I have been dealing with harm/suicidal intrusive thoughts OCD since August of last year. I know I don’t want to act on it and I love my life/family/etc., plus these thoughts and feelings have been extremely distressing for me, but why are there many moments where my mind says that’s actually what I do want or it tries to make me feel ashamed for being with my family or planning for the future. It scares me because I’m afraid of actually truly feeling that way or afraid of becoming depressed and wanting to actually do that when I know I’m not depressed.

I've had the same since July 2018 it come out of nowhere! Remember the thoughts are not real and dont mean anything, OCD is very good at convincing you and making you associate meaning. Hence being a mental illness I guess. I am better now than I was, I still get thoughts of suicide pop in my head and its it's usually triggered by hearing of suicide on the radio or something. As you say, I love life and could never do anything like this - because its it's something I'm against so much personally is probably why it resonates in my head Here are my tips: See a therapist that specializes in OCD and be open about your thoughts. Actually speaking the words was a big first step. You can't help what random thoughts pop into your head. You CAN change how you react to them. When most people think "oh I could jump of a bridge right now," they dismiss it and think "oh that was weird!" Our supersensitive OCD brains have a random thought and RUN WILD and try to analyze it forever. Try to practice responding to thoughts in a different way. Decide not to take them seriously. Do ERP (exposure response prevention)! A thought or a situation will not make you kill yourself, and trying to avoid those thoughts/situations is exhausting. really helpful in getting me to realize that thoughts (or words) are not dangerous. This is a super-helpful article about the differences between actual suicidal thoughts and suicide obsessions- http://ocdfreedom.com/suicide-ocd-vs-suicidal-thoughts/ Eventually you'll need to confront your fears head-on, but for now try distracting yourself. If the thoughts strike at bedtime, listen to a podcast as you are falling asleep. Turn on a movie you've seen a million times. Do math in your head or try to think of a dessert that starts with every letter of the alphabet

Hi Evelyn (lovely name by the way) I want you to take a deep breath. Imagine yourself breathing in thoughts of the masterpiece that you are, & breathing out the emotional turmoil. Just try that. Sometimes stuff like that helps me personally. God is in control! You rock! ?

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