So I'm just venting. My dog of 14 years is not doing good, maybe a few days left. The sadness I feel is hard to be with. Kind of brings out my Self Harm OCD because it's like sadness=depression=suicide. Going to try to work through it and figure out some exposure to do. It's hard and I'm really sad, he was the best dog and beautiful border collie. Anyone able to relate to a loss of a loved animal or family member and wants to share feel free. Death is my big fear and I think I'll have to face it with my ole pup soon.

I haven't been officially diagnosed with OCD but when I learned more about it, I never related to anything more. A little back story: when I was younger, there were a couple of youth suicides in my area and the schools felt the need to have someone come in and talk about suicide. Well the person they had come in did a horrible job teaching it and basically made it seem like the smallest negative emotion or feeling or change in behavior made you suicidal. This ended up scaring me so much that I got horrid anxiety. Fast forward to now, Everytime I feel anxiety and panic, I fear I'm going to kill myself. Everytime I feel down and depressed, I fear I'll end it all. I'm scared to be around anything sharp because the "What if" I hurt myself comes into my mind. There are always intrusive thoughts at almost every point of the day. And it's not only for me. Everytime I hear someone being negative, I fear they will be suicidal. I know in my heart that none of this is true but it's terrifying me that it's stuck around so much that it makes me scared that maybe it is true. I've had a lot of death in my family in the past year and a half and a lot of other family drama that I'd never had before that is now also bringing up existential intrusive thoughts. And I'd never questioned anything about life before but now I get the "why is life like this?" and "does anything we do matter?" and I hate it. I don't want to think like that. I just want to go through life being able to handle things normally again. It terrifies me even right now going "what if you give up?"

TW warning: ZOCD, real events, and animal neglect. I feel like if I'm nice to animals or think about having a pet in the future I'm being a hypocrite, one of the things i saw at 10-12 years old because of my porn addiction and exposure were horrible videos involving animals, and i had a kitten at 9 years old, i didn't know the responsibility of having a pet, yet i loved my cat very much and when we couldn't take it to the vet because we didn't have money, it came back with wounds, bleeding, i cried a lot and i regretted so much having been so inconsiderate and dumb to ask for a cat when we didn't have money or the appropiate place to keep it safe. My parents refused to take him to the vet or a shelter, and one day it ran away from home and never came back. I feel like i'll never be able to interact normally or have a pet without being a hypocrite. I'm horrible

Honestly ocd has been so tough these past months, like I wake up in the morning thinking I accidentally hurt my whole family and just don’t remember. And I start to question so much. And freak out thinking that I did. If anyone can relate I would love to hear from you ;) and any things that may helped you