One minute he’s asking me to move in, the next he tells me to go home

He won't use condoms due to ED, so I started taking birth control for him. He also refused to give oral until i let him inside me which was weird to me. Anyways, I went to his home at the weekend and it was very messy, tiny room, unclean. It annoyed me that he felt comfortable inviting me, knowing how tidy and spotless my house is, and it took me a few hours to get there on public transport. (I understand that rent is pricey and he travels a lot, but a toilet seat missing). He drives 5 hours to see me on some weekends but my place is always to a standard. Next thing, he always wants to be on top of me but it hurts me and he won't keep trying different positions, and says things like "I give up" then walks off to a different room and won't speak because I won't do it how he wants. I didn't wanna be in his house not speaking so I stayed with family last night. Am I out of order for leaving? first we had the protection issue, now the position issue plus his attitude. Makes me feel like im in the wrong for not letting him have what he wants after 5 months of talking and meeting. I thought once I started taking BC this would solve our problem but now it just feels like pressure, and he also says "you know what I'm doing" like I have some sort of game plan, when I would literally be happy kissing and touching because I love him. I can't figure out why he's so desperate for it, wouldn't he want to make me feel comfortable? This was the first time with him in his city, and he didn't wanna go out anywhere, not even to dinner. I don't ask for much

Hi everyone, I’ve been struggling a lot with my thoughts and feelings about my boyfriend. He’s an amazing person—kind, loving, and supportive—but I constantly feel like I’m faking everything. It’s like I’m a liar pretending to love him, and deep down, I don’t actually want to be with him. Whenever he tells me he loves me or shows affection, I feel guilty because I think, What if I don’t love him back? It feels so real, like the truth is staring me in the face and I’m just refusing to accept it. I keep asking myself: Am I just staying with him because I’m used to him? What if I’ve never truly loved him? What if I’m a bad person for stringing him along? I don’t feel anything when we kiss or when he’s sweet to me, and that terrifies me. Sometimes I even feel irritated by him or like I don’t want to be around him, and then the guilt becomes unbearable because I know he doesn’t deserve that. This constant analyzing is taking over my life. I can’t even tell what’s real anymore. Am I lying to myself because I’m scared to face the truth? Or is this just my anxiety distorting everything? I feel like such a horrible person for even having these thoughts. If anyone has felt like this, please let me know how you managed to deal with it. I’m exhausted and just want to feel like myself again. he is also at my house amd i feel numb he tries to make me understand that i do like him and i feel so bad.

just when I think i’m having a good weekend and I can forget about my struggles my brain tells me i’m not allowed to feel happy and that there’s always SOMETHING i need to be worrying about. so frustrating :(