So I had a good intimate dream about my husband last night (it really gave me feelings of my sexual self before I had ocd) and I woke up and felt really good. But because I felt so good, my ocd attacked the good thoughts by thinking “well what if you replaced him with a cute girl instead?” And then my brain made me think I really liked it and was comfortable with it. And then I would check how I felt when I compared the thought with a girl vs. my husband and the thought then of sex with my husband (or any guy) made me feel anxious and sick, enforcing my thoughts that I’m lesbian now. And I just feel such guilt. My poor husband. It’s not fair to him. And it’s not to me. I just don’t know what to do anymore. How can I be straight when I find the male anatomy disgusting?

All the mental checking of course. But at the same time, how can I feel okay with sexual thoughts of girls and disgusted by sexual thoughts of guys. Normally even with ocd, I thought that you were repulsed by same sex thoughts if you were straight. I’m not. I feel like I just flipped a switch. I’m having a bad day I guess

@ruminating_redhead I'm not sure that's true. Have you heard of the Kinsey scale? Kinsley was a researcher who asked loads of people about their sexuality. What he found is that sexuality is a spectrum. Purely homosexual and purely hetorosexual people were less common that people somewhere in between

@ta OCD usually prefers soothing information to accurate information

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I’m okay with being bisexual, the part that is terrifying me is that I find sex with men gross now, when I never did before, I feel like ocd has completely distorted my sexuality and way of thinking.

@ruminating_redhead Has it magnified the importance in f sexuality in your life?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Whenever I try to research symptoms of HOCD, none of them seem to state being repulsed by your original sexuality. Normally I can tell when I’m having ocd thoughts and this feels like ocd, but then it doesn’t.

@NOCD Advocate - Katie It has magnified the importance of sexuality, but it also has me constantly checking to see what or who I’m attracted to, it’s like my brain wants me to so strongly believe that I’m gay, that I’m sickened by thoughts of my own husband (sexually). I could accept any sexuality that I am, but it still doesn’t sit right with me to not be straight. But I am also grossed out by it

@ruminating_redhead Like I feel like im starting to develop a sexual adversion or something. I used to love sex, now I cry and feel guilty and dirty when I have alone intimacy, sexual thoughts make me uncomfortable and grossed out. I guess maybe the only reason I find thoughts with women okay is because my ocd wants that. I’m just so sick of this and I can stop panicking because of it

I think so. When I start researching it feels like my brain is on fire. I feel like my mind is creating disgust to use for evidence towards becoming lesbian

Thank you for being there for me yesterday. I was having a really bad day and normally I wouldn’t let myself fall into such a pit. Today is a new day, and I am already feeling eased w letting the thoughts be