i feel like the only way out is to break up with my boyfriend :(

Everyday I wake up and start searching for reason to breakup with my partner. I feel utterly confused by relationships and dating. Not to mention, I’m autistic and this has always been a huge struggle for me. In fact, it led me to both diagnoses of ASD and OCD. I can see there are some things I am not happy with in my current relationship and I understand that, but when does it become too much? I started having limerence over a random person because my brain just wants an out so fast. I told myself that I wouldn’t until I get proper help (medication, constant erp therapy etc). Every time I think about breaking up I start sobbing and my body vehemently rejects it. Its really confusing and disorienting for me and cant trust a damn thought in me. I’m scared that I’m just taking him along for the ride and potentially will severely fuck him up emotionally because of this. I guess thats where I can feel the OCD. My fear of being a bad person and the people around me being bad people. I dont know if I need advice because I think this may be me searching for a compulsion to do. But I just want to get this out of my system. I have severe Disney-like unrealistic expectations sometimes. I had to maladaptive daydream all the time growing up to get out of my traumatic upbringing and brain (tbh). I still do. I am aware of that and try to put myself into check. I just cant stop comparing my friends own beautiful relationships to my own. Most of them are in the “engagement” stage of their relationships. Even though it’s ridiculous, all of them have worked on it for many years at this point.

Finally my partner decided to break up with me, and I feel totally empty. He wants an open relationship, which I can’t handle. Just feel broken inside 💔

I’m struggling so much and I really need to let this out. Everything I think and feel about my boyfriend and my relationship feels so real. It doesn’t feel like “just thoughts.” It feels like clarity. Like something in me finally accepted the truth I’ve been trying to deny for a long time. I keep thinking things like: • “I don’t like him.” • “I don’t love him.” • “I never did, I just thought I did.” • “I’m only here because I wanted a relationship and he’s a good person.” These thoughts don’t feel intrusive — they feel like truths. And that terrifies me. We’ve been together for a long time and he truly loves me. He supports me. He’s kind. But I keep feeling distant. Like I don’t connect to him. Sometimes I even feel disgust or anxiety when I’m near him, and I hate admitting that because he doesn’t deserve this. I don’t feel warmth when I look at him or think about us. I can’t even imagine a future together — and that used to be all I dreamed about. What hurts even more is that I used to feel more grounded, I used to have hope. Now I feel like everything has collapsed and nothing makes sense. I’m constantly analyzing if I love him or not. I don’t know if it’s ROCD or if I’m just forcing a relationship I don’t want deep down. Sometimes, I tell myself: “I must love him, because I’m suffering so much.” But other times I think: “Maybe I’m just a good person who doesn’t want to hurt someone, and that’s why I stay.” I feel like I’m drowning in guilt, confusion, and fear. I can’t talk to my mom about this anymore because she’s overwhelmed. I don’t know who to talk to without making it worse. Even when I try to be calm, the thoughts are there, or this numbness is there. I don’t know how to sit with these thoughts anymore. They don’t feel like thoughts — they feel like my reality. Please, if anyone relates, I would appreciate hearing from you. This is the darkest I’ve felt. Thank you for reading.