Hello ? I am new here and wanted to introduce myself since I believe this must be a very "private" space and I really need to talk right now. I haven't been diagnosed with OCD, however, I have been convinced that I have it since I was around 17y. What made me start to wonder that something could be wrong with me was my need to repeatedly do things and that it always needed to be in even numbers. Example: If I had cooked I had to check the hoven 4 times, it could not be 3 or 5 because it's odd but it couldn't also be 6 because for some reason I don't like that number, if it failed I would have to check it 8 times (and so on and so on). I started to notice more and more stuff as the years went by and the worst one for me I will refer later in this post. Fast-forwarding to yesterday and jumping many other symptoms that I started noticing during the years: I was on TikTok and a video of a girl talking about what OCD really is appeared in my FY page and I got scared about how much that was me. She talked about the intrusive thoughts and that has been my nightmare since FOREVER!!! I was always afraid to talk about it because I knew it was not normal and it makes me feel like I'm a murderer, a pedo, violent, an abuser, literally everything that is wrong in this world when I'm 120% sure that I'm not. One time I wanted to run to the middle of a road to save a little bird how is it possible that now I'm thinking about "what if I stabbed my dog?"??? When I have these thoughts (which constantly happens all day) I fell like my brain is separated, the best way to explain the feeling that I have is like if someone inserted a usb pen in my head and I'm trying and fight and to stop my brain to download it or like if I’m being possessed and I’m fighting those demons. I feel desperate and anxious and the need to touch things so that I can come back to reality or something. Another thing that happens when I have these intrusive thoughts is that I have this "superstition" that I always do. You know how people say that when you say something bad or that you don't want to happen you need to knock 3 times on the wood? Well in my country we basically have 2 versions of that superstition: one is that you need to knock 3 times on the wood and the other one is that you need to knock 3 times on the wood and say something like "that the devil is blind, deaf and mute". Since I get so afraid of these thoughts and there are 2 different superstitions, I do both whenever I think about something bad. But then I get afraid that by doing it 2 times I'm voiding the one I did before so I keep on doing it for several minutes until I want to rip my hair off because of how desperate I am. Maybe this is not OCD but I have already scheduled an appointment with a psychologist/psychiatrist for today for me to understand what is wrong with me. I know I'm not a monster but I can't stand anymore feeling like one every single day of my life. I want to be able to look at people and not think about the worst scenarios, I want to be able to wash my dishes without being afraid of holding a knife because my mind will think about stabbing myself or someone I love, or even to stop wondering "what if I'm a lesbian?" when I am more than sure that I'm not and that I love my boyfriend. Honestly, I can't stand this feeling anymore, I have so many trust issues and I have become my biggest fear.