Hi, I just wanted to ask if anyone experience any of these symptoms/thoughts/feelings? It’s like I always doubt that I have OCD, it’s like I experience something inside (thoughts and/or feelings), always fear based, but it’s like I feel I cannot explain what is happening inside me at the moment of the crisis, and then I start to search in the internet for the symptoms. Every time I feel like I experience an anxiety attack but not a panic attack, not with physical symptoms. Tremendous feeling of fear that something wrong with me, and that I have something else, another mental disorder and I always search in the internet to check which symptoms match what I feel at the moment of the crisis. I experience something like this at the beginning of my OCD when I felt that I may I had schizophrenia or that may I will loose my mind. But this time is different its not about getting crazy or loose control but more like if I may be a bad person. I fear that I may be a bad person and I constantly feel that may I have NPD or BPD or PPD and several, not to suggest that people that suffer from these disorders are bad people in the contrary they also suffer. But my thoughts keep persist to make me feel bad about myself by telling me that may I suffer from another mental disorder, that I am bad person and that may I hurt someone psychologically not physically. I feel like that I have fear and intrusive thoughts and feelings about mental disorders. It’s like fear about mental disorders no physical illness. Based on be a bad person without even know it. I don’t know if any of these really make any sense. I just very confusing and for me and maybe i cannot explain it with words. Thank you for reading, if anyone can relate with any of these, please let me know because I am trying to understand how to cope with all of these.

Doubting OCD and fearing that it’s something else is OCD itself. Happened to me many times in the beginning.

Thank you for the respond, I really don’t know to tell you the truth. I was seeing a CBT therapist, it was not easy at the beginning, I felt that I was getting worse, maybe because we work on the thoughts and we get deeper and deeper but after a few sessions I started to feel better, the crises was there but not so strong. Now because of covid 19, she’s closed for a few weeks and again the symptoms get worse. I was diagnosed with OCD years ago, and I manage to overcome it by focusing in life, by putting my attention away from the thoughts and by exposing my self to fearful ocd situations. Slowly slowly i was so focus in my life outside of me that ocd fade away. A year and something ago, I had an experience with a friend that may suffer from NPD (I wrote a few posts before about it), I really don’t know if she had it or not and I already feel bad for suggesting that she had it. The problem was that she play a lot mind games with me, she said a lot of lies, she was saying and doing things that after did not admit, and through that experience I started to doubt my self. The story is long and it will take pages to explain it and I really don’t want to relive again, I relive it almost every day. What is important it that the friendship was over when l learn some shocking truths and I went no conduct with her. At the beginning I felt so shocked and I couldn’t believe what was happening behind the scene without even realizing. I started to feel fearful of her, I felt manipulated, used, emotionally drained, depressed, without any self esteem and I felt that I couldn’t trust anyone around me and the moment I try to explain to friends what happened almost nobody believed me. She already prepare the scene that I was overreacting and that she never did any of the things she did to me and to another common friend of us. I lost friends, I isolated myself, and then it started. It was like I was injected with a fuel of self doubt and the ocd found ground to attack me again. I relive every single day the experiences I had with her, trying to understand what happen, why she acted like that and why after I reacted like that (with fear and anger). I had a lot of aftermaths after that experience that I couldn’t understand it was very similar to PTSD, but after I think the OCD kick in, and started to attack my aftermaths of that experience. Imagine to suffer from a self doubt disorder and to have an experience that make person without OCD to be obsessive and self doubt him self (this is what happen to the other guy). Now imagine to be emotionally abused by one of your best friends, to accuse you about the abuse and after to self doubt about yourself and to suffer the abuse symptoms and to have the OCD thoughts and fear that makes you feel like you was the abuser and after all of these to have other friends of you beside all the facts beside it was also another guy that said the same things, that felt the same as you to still doubt you because your reacted against the abuser. I felt that I went from PTSD to OCD and to depression. And slowly slowly I went so low that I doubt everything about me, and the anxiety comes in and i start to doubt again and to search and my fear tells me one day that I have NPD, another day that I have BPD, another APD and the cycles goes on . And this what really happens inside me it’s like to sides are fighting, one side it’s telling me to believe myself and to what I actually experience (Abused-PTSD-OCD) and to stop doubting my self and the other side the fearful side tells me that maybe I am NPD, that I am a bad person, that maybe I have this and this and I really get lost. I am very sorry for the very long text and for the confusing writing, it’s just a really bad day and I just felt that I needed someone to talk to. Thank you for the reply and the support.

I'm here to listen.

I have the exact same problem. The EXACT. It’s so nice to know it’s not just me, thank you for sharing ❤️

Your symptoms are valid. How can we help you respond to the thoughts and feelings in a more adaptive way?

Hi again and thanks for the replies I really appreciate them. I think is very difficult because I really suffer from that experience in a different way than the OCD. I really felt that she rapped my soul, and not emotionally but spiritually. It was like my whole worldview was destroyed in a few seconds, after l learn the truth and I fear the power of her of how she manipulated me without even know it. Ans suddenly I fear of how she could manipulate all the people around me. She was of my be friends for many years, she was always little sad and little introvated but I knew her as good, kind person. A year ago and something she separated from one of my friends, we were a common company all of us from university life and stay close friends all together along with others and after uni. When she separated we decided to not take sides and to be there for both of them. I spent a lot of time with her because she was very messed up after the break up. And at the beginning I felt that this person she would be one of my best friends in life and she was already telling me that I was her best friend her soul brother. After a while I saw some red flags and I felt that she was neediy me more and more and friends around me also told me that she was different around me. She was to interested in me, of what I did in my day, what I eat and several. I also saw that she cared to much for me but I thought that she was the way for thanking for the support. As the story continues I separated also with me girlfriend at that time , it was not correlated to my other friend, they was friends also, we help also together. The breakup was mostly OCD correlated at that time , to no go into many details I was also devasted from the break up. I continue to support my friend but not so often because now I need also some time alone to heal from the break up. A few months after I suddenly started to have feelings for my friend and I was little shock. How after so many years of friendship without feeling anything erotically about her now I suddenly feel so in love with her. At the beginning I felt that I was just vulnerable of my own break up and because it was female person that I spent the more time with maybe it was normal so I waited a few days to see my emotions. But as the time passed I felt more and more , it was like it was the first time I felt in love so strong, it was like it was the one, I know that it is cliche but this was how I felt. When realized how strong my feelings was I get scared and I didn’t want them, after all she was the ex of my friend and also she was friend with my ex we were all a common company. So I decided to tell to other common friends was happening inside me and I suggested to support her more so I can go little away myself , so that my feelings fade away. The more I tried to go away the more she make me feel like she needed me, but in a way she made me felt guilty that she was passing a very dark time and that I was her only true friend the only one who truly cared and the only one who could help her. I felt awful, I couldn’t know what I should do, I really wanted to be near to her, I was in love with her after all but I knew that it was not right. So I decided to do go against my feelings and I try to explain to her that I needed also my time to heal. The more I try the more she made me feel that she was telling me that she was not good, that she needed help, and that I was the only one that truly was helping her. I felt awful I couldn’t be near to her because I couldn’t feel as her real friend anymore because they was other feelings behind and I couldn’t feel right about the whole situation. I tried every excuse I could think to go little away and the more I try the more she tried to come near to me. She was telling things like “you are best person I never met in my life, true friend, a soul brother, without you I don’t know how I can survive this and etc”. I was really feeling awful, I couldn’t be near to her because of my feelings and I couldn’t be away from her because I felt that I was not a true a friend and because of my feelings I couldn’t help he as a true friend. I started to feel confused and anxious because I also was getting confused signs from her, she made me feel that she had feelings for me also, and other common friends around us was telling me the same. They saw more signs from her than from me. As the time passed I couldn’t handle it anymore so I decided to tell her the truth. It was very difficult because I really care for and as friend and I knew that this could end our friendship. The day told to her I thought everything at least will be in place, she could understand why I couldn’t be near to her and i will finally will feel some peace inside me. Unfortunately it was the contrary , she didn’t gave me a straight answer and was giving me signs that she was wanting to tell me also something but she couldn’t because was not right. I closed my eyes to the signs and I told her that I couldn’t see her or speak to her for time until i will move on with my life. I explain to her that i prefer to lose some time of our friendship rather to lose our friendship one and for all. My logic was that when I will move one and I will be sure that my feelings for her will fade away we could be friends again (it could take a month or a year but at least our friendship will not end on the long term). She find it very difficult to accept she suggested to keep at least in touch but I really couldn’t, I felt that if I keep talking to her I will never overcome my feelings for her. So I try to go away completely from her. The more I try the more I found her in front of. She came to my gym, to places I went, to places I was playing music and she was texting for my birthday wishes again suggesting words like “ I wish you all the best, your the best perso I ever met and etc, and I wish you if your really love and truly need something in your live to find a way to have it one day”. Again I stared to feel confused, I told her my feelings, she didn’t told me any clear answer, so what she wants from my, why she doesn’t leave in peace, after all i was the one with the feelings, I was suffering too. I couldn’t handle it anymore so I decided to talk with one of her best friends. I talked her that it was very strange the whole experience, I couldn’t understand why i suddenly had so strong feelings for her and I couldn’t understand why i felt that she was hurting me like on porpuse for having feelings for her. Her friend was shocked because she told that she hear the exact same words for her from another male friend of us and that needed to immediately talk with her and that maybe I needed to talked with other guy. And then shocked happened, the other was more inside the story, she was doing the same to him, she love bomb him, she pushed him to his limits, they kissed , they try to had a secret affair behind all of us. But the guy felt so in love with her but he felt that something was not right. It was the same story with me. He felt so much in love by helping her, he tried to get away but she pushed him to come near, but this guy went and the moment he went the more she get away so he try to go away again and the more he get away the more she tried to bring him back again and the story continue. For him was more different she came to him more sexually she said sexually words to him and try to sexually things to him, that I couldn’t believe that we was talking for the same person, he made him felt like he love him like a piece of meat only sexually. To me was the opposite,it was spiritually, she was so pure and kind, it was like she was mimicking what i truly love in another person . I told him that I felt like crazy with her that i thought that it was everything in my mind. He told that everything that I felt was real, all the flert, all the things she did and told me that did not admit was real, that I was not crazy that it was not in my mind. Again I felt shock I couldn’t understand what really was happening. To no go into details she decided to talk with us after she learned that we talked with each other, she was very anxious and she told us she was not well and that she needed to se psychiatrist. Anyway she didn’t went and she came to talk to both us and to another 2 friends that know what was happening. She told us that she was in love with other guy and that she acted like that because she couldn’t tell him the truth because he was also a friend to her ex. The other guy although was so in love with her he tell us that he hear the same story again again from her, that he did not wanted anything to do with her and that the whole experience with her was a life/death experience for him. He made him felt so crazy that he almost kill himself a few times. He wanted to write letter and explain was she doing to him because nobody was going to believe him. Again I felt confused, shock, my friend, this loving kind person that I felt so in love with her, that she care for me she was acting like this i couldn’t believe it, my mind couldn’t comprehend it. For she told that she didn’t to any of the things I was talking about and that I misunderstood her intentions and again she made felt crazy. Three days after the conversation we learn that she slept with another guy stranger to us, after a week that she slept with her ex and that he told him that we felt for her and etc. The other guys started to get crazy he went and talked to her family, we went and talked to her ex to our friend. The more we try to explain what happened the more she made it to seem that we overreact because we was jealous and that we couldn’t handle the rejection. After she started to get more near to my ex and there is where i felt the fear, trapped, angry. Whe she was doing these things, why she was provoking us to react and after use this reaction against us, to made us seem over sensitive, over reacting. No one around us couldn’t understand us. I felt trapped I felt hopeless, I was losing friends, I felt anxious and when I was reacting I was the bad guy. We had all the facts, all the things she did, all the lies but nobody cares about the facts they only judged our reactions. And then it happened if nobody believes me if nobody can see what really happen, maybe I am the problem, maybe i am the one that it was crazy. I suddenly couldn’t trust no one, neither my own self. The other guy was feeling the same, we get distant we couldn’t trust each other and we isolate ourselves. Now I know that after 4-5 months from that event she moved to another city with another guy living with him . She continue her life like nothing happened. I learn that she told to other friends that I was never her true friend, that I could never take the no to her answer (she never told me that, I wish she did so I will leave in peace). And now me i lose friends, I isolate almost from every one, I see common friends with her and don’t talk to me. I want to scream to make theme see the truth and I can the more I try the more she made seem like I am the crazy. And the OCD kicks in, it blames for everything, it made doubt everything about myself and the whole story. I relive the same story over and over again. Analyze it trying to understand what happened, why I i feel that I was the problem, why my OCD try to convince me that I have the NPD or all the othe things. The anxiety crises kick in, and the cycles continue and I am locked at home feeling that no one can really understand what happened, how much it damaged me and how much power the whole experience gave to my OCD.