When I listen to success stories and podcasts of people saying they manage it better I don’t know why my mind says “you could never do that” “your ocd is worse and different” “you are stuck like this” so I try to listen to podcasts of people overcoming their worst fears and it makes me sad and anxious but I feel like it could be erp?

I also feel the same way sometimes. I feel like my OCD is ‘different’ or ‘worse’ and it won’t ever get better

Well, I think that most of us get thoughts like this sometimes. If you have POCD it feels like the worst because it's the biggest stigma imaginable and causes so much shame. If it's HOCD, it feels so bad because it seems to threaten to take away your future, which is akin to murdering you. If you have real event/guilt/false memory OCDs, the other OCDs seem totally trivial because you've got stuff in real life which you can point to as a basis for how much more threatening and solid the thing you fear is. It always feels like if your fear was true, your life would be over. I've found it actually helps me to go over all the ways that things could still be good if my fear came true/was true. Maybe rock bottom would even allow me to build a life from the ashes.

Actually it sounds like listening to those podcasts *could* also be a compulsion, as you may also listen to them in hopes that they give you reassurance that you can get better. Especially if you tend to listen to them at times when you're having anxious thoughts about how bad your OCD is. Perhaps there are better ways to trigger those fears of never getting better so that you can do ERP with them.

HOCD is the end of me