Okay so I need some advice. I have always liked boys ever since I was little... I was/still am boy crazy. I also found the gay community (especially male with male) interesting even when I was younger too maybe because I wasn’t really exposed to things like that often so I was always like “wowww” but I never identified with it, it was more of an amazement than anything else. I have also found two girls attractive... one was very masculine and I have always wanted to be like her because she is very laid back and chill but I never thought of her in a romantic way more like a cool way and I am still friends with her now. The other one I met recently and i even had a thought pop up “you are acting like you like her” I thought this was a weird thought I was like wtf but I went on with my day because again I never thought of her in a romantic way nor do I want to. But right now my HOCD is telling me “see you have always known you like girls” but I have never looked at a girl in a romantic way nor do I want to. I am perfectly happy with my boyfriend and I want to marry him. I am also perfectly happy with liking boys... that’s who I am and I don’t want to change that. I have found a moment of clarity right now where I know I am straight and just because you think someone is attractive does not mean you are gay or bisexual. But what bothers me more is that I know I will choose my bf right now but the thought that pops up is “well because you like girls now what if in the future you have to divorce your husband (current bf) and then you have to be with a woman and your kids are going to be upset because their parents don’t live together anymore and they aren’t even together anymore and it’s all going to be nothing like you dreamed of” Side note one of my BIGGEST fears is divorce along with the fear that I will lose my bf and our future won’t be with each other. Like I really want to marry this boy but all of my thoughts always go against my wishes. I have always dreamt about marrying a boy especially my boyfriend now that I have him so I have no idea what to do with this. I guess everything ties in with ROCD but HOCD is just so so terrible and I don’t want to like girls not right now and not in the future why isn’t this enough. I always seem to doubt it with the “what if’s” I also have seen people in the lgbt community be in denial so then “what if I am in denial” but like I don’t want to think this way I want to always be straight I am okay with liking boys and being with boys and I don’t want that to change it has caused me so much distress. Does any one have any advice?

Anónima

Date posted: 5y

It sounds like your hocd rocd thoughts are overwhelming and taking you over. Unfortunately from what I’ve learned the only way out is through. Have you tried exposing yourself to these thoughts and not responding? It seems like now you are thinking of the past, mentally reviewing, trying to find meaning, and analyzing which are all ocd compulsions. In order to break free from this you can use imaginal script writing (I have a link on this if you want me to share) where you write out that worst fear of yours: getting divorced, pursuing a relationship with a woman and going into detail on how horrible the consequences would be. Then, you read it or listen to it over and over WITHOUT checking, analyzing, reacting, etc. It’s HARD but once you dedicate yourself fully to ERP you will break free from it. In the meantime if this seems too tough there’s ways to respond someone posted this link yesterday and ive found it very useful- I’ll post it below.

Anónima

Date posted: 5y

https://www.ocdbaltimore.com/how-to-respond-to-unwanted-thoughts/

takingmylife...

Date posted: 5y

@nikol Thank you so much for that. It has been overwhelming and there’s definitely good days and bad days. I am kind of at the point where I have no anxiety which scares me more but I will definitely check the link out!! Thank you so much

Anónima

Date posted: 5y

@takingmylifeback I have the same thing, I feel weird when I don’t feel anxiety anymore, but I’m pretty sure that’s another common OCD feeling. What helped me was finding out that recovery isn’t linear and it could be very high and very low especially towards the beginning. Good luck ?

takingmylife...

Date posted: 5y

@nikol Yes thank you!! I am just kinda tired of it like fighting it and stuff so I just say “okay cool” to every thought I get. And I try to just do my own thing and stuff

Anónima

Date posted: 5y

@takingmylifeback I think that’s a good sign!! It’s like “ok ocd your thoughts meant so much to me at one point but I don’t care about anything you tell me anymore!”

takingmylife...

Date posted: 5y

@nikol Exactlyyy thank you again

Nica

Date posted: 5y

It sounds like you’re developing ROCD— OCD focused on relationships. Don’t let it get worse than it already is.

takingmylife...

Date posted: 5y

Yea I have had ROCD for about 5 months now but HOCD has been coming at me for three weeks and i feel like it’s even worse

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