- Username
- hateocd123
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Literally me. I feel like I have to be with a girl now even though I am not bi or gay just because my mind is telling me that I am not living a true life and it’s exhausting. Because I want my future with my bf not anyone else
Do not listen to the OCD...it will do anything to mess your life up. Say you break up with your significant other, the OCD and the ruminating will not go away, it will just find something else to attack. And you will be without your relationship for nothing. As hard as it is, resolute yourself to being in your relationship if that's what you know you want and do NOT give attention to what OCD is telling you. Do not let it win
Why would being gay mean you need to immediately end your happy relationship?
Because I'm "supposed" to be in a relationship with a girl if I'm gay.
The funny thing is I don't want anything to do with a girl in that way
@hateocd123 Supppsed to do something you don't want to do? Says who?
@Louw Idk its feels like I'm being pushed towards it against my will
@hateocd123 By who?
@Louw By no one
@hateocd123 Can't you just do what you want to do and not do what you don't want to do?
@Louw That's what I'm doing, but the thoughts and the distress don't make it easy
Your dad is onto something! Mindfulness is a powerful tool when dealing with anxiety. Jon Hershfield has a lot of great articles about it on his website ocdbaltimore.com and in his books. Essentially, it’s living in the now while noticing and accepting all thoughts, feelings, sensations, and so on. The real issue with OCD though isn’t the thought - it’s the uncertainty. Often people will say things like “if I’m gay, I’m gay but why can’t I just be sure?!”. The treatment for this that goes along with mindfulness is ERP. In the mean time, mindfulness is an amazing tool to work alongside it ❤️
For me it's not like that. It's more like I don't want to be gay, but I feel gay. But feeling gay for me isn't actually being gay it's like this foreign concept that has nothing to do with actually being gay. It's almost like the fear has labeled itself as "fear of being gay" without me even being gay! I like being intimate with men, I like crushing on men. I also like looking at girls. So I know in reality I'm bisexual, but I don't really like that label because I'm not sexually interested in being with a woman and I feel like it's not really a good fit to describe me. It feels as though this has hijacked my identity and I'm "psuedo gay". I wish I had a better way to describe it.
The "for me it's not like that" part was in reference to "if I'm gay, I'm gay, but why can't I just be sure". It almost feels as if my mind has made up on the surface that I AM gay, but if I dig deeper I know that it's not really me and not what I want. It's the strangest feeling. At this point it's like my brain defaults to accepting that I'm a lesbian just in case I'm wrong about being bi or straight.
It's that feeling of what if I'm wrong about my sexuality that makes it so disturbing
So, I’m gay, but I have obsessive thoughts about being straight. The idea of being with a man is not something that I find appealing, but a mix of OCD and compulsory heterosexuality causes a lot of anxiety for me. Does anyone else have similar issues? If so, do you have any advice on how to cope?
Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).
I wonder what people think about having SOOCD as a straight person and simultaneously striving to be queer-positive and affirming. I feel most “myself”, most free, when I don’t feel pressure from my subconscious to act out on gay impulses and become a flamboyant personality, and when I don’t even have to think about “being straight” because I just am who I am. Even though I’d like to be free from gay obsessions and false attractions that feel like they’ve evolved into real attractions (even though i still don’t feel like I truly want men), I feel guilty that I am choosing not to let this flamboyant “alternate” personality develop. I feel like I’m not a true ally if I’m saying it’s beautiful for other people to experience queer sexuality, but when I experience obsessions and therefore feelings of a queer nature I dismiss it as “not me”. I know we can’t defeat OCD with neat forms of reassurance or ways of explaining the pressure away, but I’m having a hard time not embracing obsessive gay thoughts because I feel bad not actively affirming them. But then accepting them as real makes me super anxious and untrue to myself. Thoughts?
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