Hi :) I have always struggled with intrusive sexual thoughts since i was a kid. (probably due to sexual abuse) And in my teen years I spent a considerable amount of time fighting unwanted romantic feelings toward my girl friends. This year though, I think I’m coming to terms with the fact that I might be gay. I just never feel this way toward men. And it feels like all of my efforts to keep those unwanted gay thoughts away growing up didn’t work. I feel like it’s my fault somehow. I’m not sure if this makes sense, but I guess i’m trying to work on accepting these thoughts of mine.

Ok so obviously the answer to what you're going through doesn't lie in dressing up and trying to convince yourself that you like men. Let's just pretend that travesty of a comment never happened ? I'm wondering whether those unwanted romantic feelings in your teen years had the same quality to them as the other intrusive sexual thoughts? I'm not sure whether this is/has been an OCD theme for you or if there has just been some resistance to natural feelings. It's also possible to be gay and develop an OCD about being gay because you have reasons in your life for not wanting it (fears of judgement, of being an outcast, of discrimination etc). It's ALSO possible for it to be a bit of both. You describe 'unwanted gay thoughts' which you tried to keep away, and that could be OCD, could be what I've described. Why were you trying to keep them away? Were they very upsetting? I'm curious really... Whether the unwanted romantic feelings seemed to come out of anxiety and analysis (fear that you have romantic feelings, obsessing about the possibility and intense anxiety about the prospect of it being true romantic feelings, checking your responses to your friends to spot anything sexual, etc). As opposed to being crushes which you felt ashamed of or that they were an inconvenience. At the end of the day, though, regardless of your sexuality and what it might be, if you have OCD symptoms (do you feel that you do?) then it's worth addressing and treating those. After that, perhaps you could try something like ACT? Deciding that you'll accept yourself and act on your desires and values going forwards whatever they might be, without needing labels, that you'll do whatever fulfills you and makes you happy rather than what you feel you ought to do.

Im really scared this is going to happen to me not that theres anything wrong with being gay

Keeping in mind the future of your happiness may depend on it, you might want to devise a test. I recommend going to a pubic place with high foot traffic and people-watching to try and identify a type you may like. Sort of initiating yourself into liking men. Do it with a pro-lgbt woman or gay man in your life if you want support. Before you go, you're going to want to groom yourself and practice self-care. Non-greasy food eaten, water drank, facial hair trimmed, maybe a haircut or eyebrow trim. Just putting positive energy into yourself gives you confidence to be yourself, plus looking yourself in the face os nice when you have a lot on your mind