I am so tired of HOCD. I feel like I’m actually my thoughts and it’s exhausting and scary and I can’t take it anymore and I feel like just crying because it makes me so sad. I want to be straight... I am happy being straight and I don’t understand why that’s not enough because anything I do turns into another excuse/ proof as to why I like girls and I’m sick of it. I don’t know what to do

I feel like this too, it can be so unbearable. Please stay safe though, you’ve got this.

I’m so tired... I wanna go back to being my normal self. I feel like I will never get through this and as if the only way out is being gay or bi and I don’t want that

It is not trying to be homophobic it is a theme of ocd. You're afraid of losing your identity. It has nothing to do with being against gay people.

@Lina But I dont really understand. I think that if you would accept yourself no matter your sexual orientation then you wouldnt have this kind of OCD?

@ezel That is the whole point of erp (exposure response prevention therapy), some of us on here haven't gotten therapy yet so it is hard for us to just accept the possibility. That is the reason why we struggle with our ocd.

@Lina I see. I think this kind of OCD has a lot to do with culture and stigma

How? I have a boyfriend and also have ROCD meaning that it’s targeting my relationship in any way it can. My cousin is bisexual, my uncle is gay I don’t think its homophobic. And if you don’t understand HOCD then don’t comment about it

@takingmylifeback In the case that being gay puts a relationship in danger, I think it has nothing to do with homophobia.

@ezel Yea. I was very scared I was homophobic. I never thought of myself as that because I love people no matter what they identify as... maybe it’s not what I would want to be but that doesn’t make them lower than me. At one point I read something on the forum about internal homophobia and I didn’t know it was a thing and it triggered me SO much because I was like well what if this is me and what if I’m actually gay and I’ve been living a lie and keeping a big secret from my boyfriend and myself. It’s just very very tiring

@takingmylifeback Yeah, you're right maybe its deeper than just homophobia, the mind is so complex

@ezel It is. Now I’m scared I’m homophobic

@takingmylifeback It seems to be one of your triggers maybe

@ezel Yep for sure

@ezel I think this type of OCD is a lot more about culture & stigma or fear of loosing ones identity rather than simply being homophobic...I think that’s the last thing someone with HOCD wants to hear as most already feel guilty enough about it! But your thoughts are not you, you experience them and so they’re defo not a reflection of the person experiencing them. I have HOCD - I’m not homophobic & I fully support those who are part of the LGBTQ+ community (as I’m sure most others with HOCD do too)

@ezel If it's about homophobia, then why do gay people with hocd who fear being straight react with the same stress and say the same kind of things?

@hateocd123 I just did not have the knowledge about the whole thing, I already said I changed my mind about it. Still every case is different, as happens with everything else.

@ezel Also I was not trying to judge anybody but to understand

@ezel what kind of ocd do you struggle with (if you don’t mind saying?) :)

@✨. ROCD, also the classic ritual OCD(I dont know if It has a specific name), and many obsessions about life choices. And responsability OCD towards my parents. A mix.

@ezel ohh right! yeah i have the classic ritual one too.

Exactly. It’s not who I am not that it’s something bad it’s just not me. I got kinda triggered by that comment and it kind hurt my feelings but it’s okay o cam do exposure on it

@takingmylifeback Yes me too! It really upset me. I recently mentioned it to one of my therapists (not an OCD one) and all that’s going through my mind is how she must think I’m homophobic or in denial and it’s making me feel so much worse :(

@✨. Yea I can understand that. My therapist that I’m currently working with gave me reassurance as to why I wasn’t gay but of course that just made me feel better for a little bit. Now I am doing NOCD therapy because I want to get better with this I’m just so tired of it.