My HOCD and ROCD are using me insecurities against me. “You’re gay and now everyone from your school is going to judge you and you will have to find new friends” (I am the type of person who is shy and insecure and I’m scared to embarrass myself all the time and scared people will judge me) I also read that people in the closet fear what others might think of them so I’m terrified this is me right now. I also get the thought “you’re not breaking up with your boyfriend because you’re too nice and too much of a coward to do it”. I have so many fears such as losing my boyfriend because I am gay or bi... I am scared I will one day decide to date a woman... I am scared I am gay or bi... I am scared of how people are gonna view me differently... I am scared I am going to lose myself... I am scared I’m in denial... I am sad I have these thoughts because I love liking guys and I am so happy liking boys and my boyfriend makes me so happy but just that thought scares me too. I don’t know what to do I feel like since the thoughts don’t come out with anxiety I have accepted them as true and for someone reason I can’t stop myself from mentally checking if I felt this way before or not and it’s so automatic. I just want this to go away. I want to be happy with my boyfriend and love him forever without the fear of being gay and without being insecure about my feeling. I know love is a choice and feeling come and go and I’m completely fine with that. I just want to choose him always and all of these thoughts get in the way and I feel like the thoughts are my truth now and I’m just in denial. I’m sorry this was a lot I just needed to let it out

evkrey

Date posted: 5y

Make this an imaginal exposure script and re-read it or audio record it and loop it as exposure every day until you habituate to the anxiety

takingmylife...

Date posted: 5y

I’m gonna try. But every time I try i feel like it doesn’t really cause me anxiety because I know I am doing an exposure work and after a while I get bored of listening to it

cbnont

Date posted: 5y

@takingmylifeback You don't feel a lot of anxiety during the exposures but do you still perform compulsions after a while?

takingmylife...

Date posted: 5y

@cbnont It’s like while I’m doing it I don’t perform compulsions but they thoughts make me cry and after a while I just get bored with it. It’s when I’m not doing exposures and just doing my every day thing that the thought comes and I get scared of it

cbnont

Date posted: 5y

@takingmylifeback Well in any case I guess it's good if you're bored with it at some point. I had more or less the same problem with ERP before, but then I realized that, even when ERP didn't generate lots of anxiety, it would still generate enough of it to make me ruminate after the ERP session, without me noticing it. So, now, I pay more attention to my compulsions than to my anxiety. I'm not a specialist and I think you should turn to them, but it seems to me that tracking the compulsions and resisting them in the face of very small triggers is more relevant at the start than selecting bigger triggers without being fully aware of the compulsions you perform.

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