Just finished an ERP for HOCD watching videos of people coming out when they are older and it just made me sad not really anxious so idk if that’s good or not. Like it just made me so sad because I don’t want that. My therapist tells me maybe you don’t want that right now but it can happen in the future so it kinda makes me feel a little bit worse so idk if she is trying to have me deal more with the uncertainty or something else like it’s going to happen to me

Okay okay I just didn’t know since I wasn’t feeling anxious anymore it’s not working

Wowww really? I didn't know that. Thank you. Is there any resources you would Recommend that really helped you? Even articles to read. Thanks Katie

Also she really want me to be okay with the idea of me being gay or bisexual in the future. Is that the goal of ERP?

@takingmylifeback The goal isn't necessarily to be ok with if the fear came true, but to be ok with having thoughts about the fear being true

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I don’t know it’s just my first time doing ERP with NOCD and it’s been 3 sessions and she wants me to tell myself “what’s the worst that can happen if I am gay” or “so what if you’re gay” or “you’re not even in college yet maybe you will change and decide you’re gay”and those things just make me uncomfortable and sad

@takingmylifeback Yep, that's exposure. We say the things that cause feelings over and over until they are boring

Idk how to stop then because I feel like maybe she’s trying to show my true colors or maybe I am going to come out as gay or bisexual and have to accept that one way or another which scares me so much

@takingmylifeback Scaring you so much is actually the point. Now your job is to sit with those emotions you just wrote out until you no longer feel them.

@takingmylifeback I have much more to say on this but my opinions always end up being the unpopular one and I really don't feel like arguing, However, I will say the goal of ERP is never to accept the unacceptable.

@christinejg94 Then idk what to do cause that’s what my NOCD therapist is doing

@takingmylifeback No she's not, what she's doing is triggering you to the point that your brain is trying to accept it. Your job is just to sit with these feelings.

@takingmylifeback I'll tell you what though, after my therapy I can't wait to delete this app. I personally think the community aspect here is toxic, especially since everyone is under the impression that "accepting the possibility" is ERP. You're not supposed to be accepting anything in ERP. I feel like all this app does is hurt people who have no idea what OCD is even about.

@christinejg94 Delete it now if it’s so toxic

@loola Can't, my therapist is on here. Did you just read the end?

@christinejg94 What if your OCD latches onto “what if” statements you can’t just not say anything to them without giving them an answer. Sorry I somehow feel like you know stuff

@takingmylifeback I've been in therapy for about 3 years, so I'd hope I would know something, lol. Mine often latches onto what if and my compulsion is to evaluate the statement. My thoughts go like this: "but what if it actually is really bad?" "What if I'm remembering wrong and this happened?" "What if I'm not doing ERP correctly?" "What if I'm wrong, what if this IS something I need to confess, how do I know??" And my compulsions are to try to replay the situation to evaluate A. What I remember happening, B. How much guilt I feel (as if that's indicative of how bad it really is) or C. To imagine telling someone and seeing how they would respond. So instead of trying to figure it out, if I say anything I say, "These are obsessions, my job is to sit with the uncomfortable feeling." I prefer not to say anything to not disrupt the process but I'm still navigating between obsession and compulsion so sometimes it's helpful for me. I'm not sure if this was helpful or not, if so I'm glad I could help, if not please tell me what kind of what if thoughts you are having and what you do with them.

@christinejg94 Yes I relate to this I do say things like this. With my HOCD and ROCD it’s “what if I’m keeping a big secret away from my boyfriend” or “what if I come out later in life and have to leave him when we’re married” or “what if you have always liked girls and just now knowing” or “what if you don’t love your boyfriend” and stuff like that. I used to be scared to find boys attractive because I would think that’s not being loyal to my bf but now that I have HOCD it’s such a different pattern because I want to find boys attractive for a completely different reason. I also usually find acts that I do as evidence for or against my OCD patterns and I don’t know how to stop them. As for when I get intrusive thoughts I either tell myself okay or maybe it is maybe it isn’t. I guess I just want to know 100% that I’m straight because I want to marry my boyfriend and not leave him for any reason in the future because I’m so scared to lose him and stuff. Sorry that was a lot

@takingmylifeback The goal of ERP is to be okay with the feelings that uncertainty brings on. You don't have to accept the unacceptable at any time, but you will learn how to be okay with the feelings of uncertainty. Those "what if" thoughts honestly sound more obsessive than compulsive, to me. So I'd say, sit with them. Let all the thoughts come but don't try to analyze or answer them.

@takingmylifeback When you said you can't "just not say anything to them" what are you saying to these what if thoughts?

@christinejg94 I usually try to reassure myself but I’m trying to just say okay or maybe to them which is still hard

@christinejg94 I guess when I accept them I feel like I am accepting them as true and I don’t want that at all. So it feels like I am gay or bi and that I just haven’t fully accepted it which makes me so sad

@takingmylifeback Yep, that's OCD. Well no one is making you accept them. Your only job is to feel the emotions until you don't anymore.

@christinejg94 Perfect thank you so much for your help!!

That's not true. The goal of ERP is not to be comfortable with the idea of the fear coming true. The therapist is providing the most anxiety possible by posing questions that really get to the center of the fear.

@christinejg94 So is she doing a good work on it cause idk

Yea I guess it just scared me that it’s a possibility and I do a lot of analyzing the past so she’s helping me stop it

@takingmylifeback Yes, the therapist is following best practice

Okay okay so basically saying “maybe I am maybe I’m not” is a compulsion. Idk what to tell myself when this happens other than trying to say “no I’m not” is saying “okay” to it good

@takingmylifeback There lays the magic. You don't tell yourself anything. Not a thing. You just let it be and let it come down on its own.

@christinejg94 So basically thoughts are compulsions so just avoid saying anything

@takingmylifeback If your thoughts sound like this, yes, those are compulsions Ruminating on the fear of cutting off your hand would sound like "arghh!!! I hate that thought. I'd never do that... Would I? Remember that time as a kid at camp when I burned myself on a smore, maybe that was intentional and I've just tricked myself into believing it was an accident. How can I know for sure? I'd better think some more. I had that dream about my arms falling off, maybe that's a sign. But I hate gory movies... How could I want to chop my hand off if blood disgusts me. That's good, I probably won't do it. NO I WONT do it!.... But maybe I should hide the knives just in case. My therapist says this is OCD. She's really knowledgeable, but I still have a niggling doubt. Better start googling to see if people have similar symptoms. How horrible would it be if I did ERP and then actually DID cut my hand off. Has anyone's OCD fear actually come true? Let's ask people.... I'm going to imagine it again to see if I was really scared. OH GOD!!! MY HEART DIDN'T RACE THIS TIME! that must mean it doesn't scare me. I'm gonna do it, I just know it! But I don't want to! I'll let my husband do all the cooking from now on. And do some more googling to see if the fear comes true...."

@NOCD Advocate - Katie It goes exactly like this but I have managed to stop the thoughts that check the past so I guess that’s progress. Thank you SO much for taking your time on this it means a lot and was so so helpful