Forgive the venting, super long post, unabashedly looking for empathy about this horrible disorder: I developed HOCD at 12, almost 13. I didn’t get treatment until 23 and I didn’t manage to quit that particular theme until I was 27. It ruined my life; I couldn’t look anyone in the eye until I was 19, I was overcome with graphic intrusive thoughts and obsessed all the time. I couldn’t touch anyone for 8 of the 10 years I had it without treatment and when I did touch people it was terrifying. The impact made me so anxious around sex and dating it robbed me almost completely of the ability to feel attraction, so I rarely tried dating. It ruined the only almost-relationship I’ve ever had, first because I couldn’t touch him and then I couldn’t look at him. After I got treatment I tried app dating, but because I didn’t fully embrace ERP it was a nightmare. It was like the light was on, but the lamp wasn’t plugged in—I so rarely found anyone attractive at all that I couldn’t date anyone. As we know, all of this happened to me because OCD knew dating was what I wanted more than anything else. Last summer, after grueling months of exposures, it worked—I beat HOCD. It stopped bothering me completely. I was free. My ability to feel attraction returned. I felt like I was alive. I told my two best friends, who had been there for me through all of it. I started developing feelings for a friend of a friend, encouraged by my best friend (relevant: also has OCD but isn’t treated for it). She told me initially that it sounded like I liked him, so I should go for it, and encouraged me when I talked to her about him. She has been there for me through the OCD discovery: I have told her things about it that I told only a handful of people, including how it impacted my sexuality. She was there for a lot of conversations about it and through the disastrous app dating experiences. But the guy I was into hit on my best friend. I tried to explain that I wouldn’t mind if she dated him at some point in the future but then I got really upset and tried to explain that it bothered me so much because of all the time I’d spent trying to feel anything like this, and that this feeling itself was the culmination of all that work, and I thought she understood that the feeling meant a lot to me and it would hurt if she dated him. But it turned out she had serious feelings for him and then she started dating him. To be clear, I didn’t think I deserved to date him because of what happened to me—I just thought she understood how I felt and how the disorder impacted me and she didn’t. It unraveled me. Sad and disappointed doesn’t cover it; I was so crushed and furious and miserable I didn’t recognize myself. None of my friends understood why I was so upset, and it turned out most of them valued her more than me. I ended up losing two really important friendships because our mutual best friend/my roommate—who I also confided in about my OCD—supported her. I’m not interested in who’s right or wrong or if she should have dated him or not. It wouldn’t have hurt nearly as much if he had dated someone else, but that the person I confided in about the worst aspect of my disorder dated the first person I was able to have uncomplicated feelings for in my life broke my heart. That she and my roommate will never understand the impact it had on me—that they think I overreacted and it ruined our friendships and why can’t I get over it so we can all hang out again—breaks my heart too. I don’t have a reason to post this story here except to hope someone on this app would empathize with how absolutely devastating it was to hear the people I trusted with how the various personal bullshit ways this disorder affected me so completely not understand. TLDR: after 15 years of HOCD making me so numb that I lost even the potential for any romantic or sexual experiences, I beat it. My best friend, who I told about how it impacted me, started dating the first person I had any feelings for that weren’t warped by HOCD. I got angry. My other best friend/roommate took her side. I am devastated. OCD sucks.

I had a best friend middle school. We were friends for a long time and I can guarantee with 100% certainty that not once did I ever have any crush or romantic feelings for her. No matter how much I analyze it, I can’t find any trace of romantic feelings. However what is eating me alive right now, is a time where she was showing me a martial arts move and I was VERY uncomfortable. I’m not really a touchy person even with friends I’ve never been comfortable with hugging or anything like that. Even if i’m very comfortable with that friend I just don’t like to be touchy feely. But when she was showing me her martial arts moves I immediately got very uncomfortable and stiff especially because to my brain it was like a sexual position and I didn’t like it. So as I sat there full of discomfort she was sitting on my groin and my focus went to my groin and I felt a tingle. I immediately got up and just felt disgusted and again, UNCOMFORTABLE. Yk that uncomfortable distressing feeling you get with a groinal response? that’s how it felt. I don’t remember what happened after but it never changed my sexuality or how I viewed her. I completely forgot about it and we remained friends for a little while in high school but nothing ever changed. Now that my OCD has latched onto my childhood exploration/reaction to sexual content/porn use/ false memories/this particular memory/ and me mistaking a cartoon character and masc lesbian as men, I have been going actually insane. Before my spiral i completely forgot ab all of this. It didn’t mean anything to me and changed nothing. The logical side of my brain tells me I’m obsessing over nothing, my real genuine feelings i’ve had for men all my life and the ones I felt for my boyfriend after years of numbness, are the real me. But my OCD is telling me it HAS to mean something that i know nothing about myself. But what tf does ocd know if even when I had no attraction and had absolutely 0 libido(still happening but worse now) I was in my mans car 2 months ago literally wanting him to kiss me, feeling a thick layer of attraction for him, admiring his smile and his eyes, and this was when my mind was clear and ocd let wasn’t fully running my life. I feel my mind and body shutting down again. I’m going back to that fully numb place again. It’s crazy because I felt like I was slowly defeating OCD a couple months ago. The feelings I felt for my (now) boyfriend after years of feeling nothing were coming back and made me feel like I could fight this. Now I feel like everything is ruined again. I miss how I used to feel about my man. I’m going crazy again I FUCKING HATE THIS. I used to be able to tune this out and enjoy my time with him but not anymore. This is consuming me again. The checking, rumination, mental reviewing, analyzing, reassurance, hyper awareness, the numbness, loss of attraction, the fucking debilitating anxiety IS DRIVING ME INSANE. I’m questioning everything I do and feel, even the good feelings I have with my boyfriend. I miss who i was 2 months ago even if it was still slightly controlled by ocd, I had hope. My posts when the spiral was barely started showed how much hope I had. Now i have lost it. I feel anxious and like a liar when I call, text, or am round him when it used to give me peace. I just reminisce thinking about our early dates and I feel like those feelings are fully lost. I don’t wish this type of pain on anyone.

Super triggering set of events that’s been unfolding for some months now. I’m going to try and not seek reassurance but grounded advice or support is appreciated. A couple months ago, I had a close friendship with a female friend who was also new to town and we had a nice friend group. I developed feelings for her, articulated that to her, and she kind of breadcrumbed me until there wasn’t much of a friendship left unfortunately. I had a conversation with her about the impact that the situation had on me and the toll it took on my mental health. I was calm but assertive and was proud that I stood up for myself. This was sad but hey that happens sometimes as you’re growing and making new friends/trying to find your people. I took space this summer from that group and it was awesome. I felt so much better, my ocd symptoms decreased, I met a bunch of new people, things were good. I am now trying to jump back into my grad school community of students and I had felt a weird tension between me and some subsets of people. Yesterday I was told that the people she is friends with say that I am “unsafe to be around” and that I “blew up at her.” This hurts for a number of reasons. All I did was say that she hurt me by not communicating. I was vulnerable and I feel like I’m getting ostracized and dismissed as a nut case. I never ever spoke ill of her to this community. I kept my opinions to myself and tried to move on. Add on the harm ocd/real events ocd/ relationship ocd and I truly feel at my lowest. There’s certainly times where I have let my emotions and ocd dictate my reactions to situations like this in the past, but from the beginning of this one I made it a point to notice what was coming up and calmly respond with action based in my values. I am super proud of how I handled it and stood up for myself. Idk I’m human and I understand that everyone is entitled to their thoughts and feeling but this just feels messed up and disrespectful. Trying to get this out here because it’s hard to talk about rn

Hey, so I'll try to keep it short but I've been dealing with a lot of emotions and need advise. This is not fully ocd but I really don't have anywhere else to talk about this with. I’ve only ever seriously liked two people: my ex and this guy I’ve been talking to. He’s from a country far away, and we’d been chatting for two months before I admitted my feelings. From the start, he was clear he’s not over his ex and isn’t looking for anything serious. At first, I saw him just as a friend, but the more he mentioned going on dates or seeking a friends-with-benefits situation, the more it stirred panic and fear in me. When he noticed I was acting off and asked about it, I opened up and told him how I felt. He was kind but firm, saying he couldn’t reciprocate but wanted to stay friends. That was nice of him, but it still hurt, especially since he didn’t seem to see it as a big deal, while for me, it was huge. I took a two-week break to process, crying it out and trying to pull myself together before reaching out again. He was understanding and seemed okay with picking up where we left off, but things aren’t the same. We used to talk all day, every day, but now it’s just a few words here and there, and it’s crushing. He seems totally fine—happy, going out, living his life like nothing’s changed. Meanwhile, I’m at my lowest, depressed and unable to enjoy anything. Seeing him share updates or talk about his life just makes me sad, and I can’t even show the support I used to. It’s killing me because I want to be his friend, but this feels so distant and cold compared to before. Texting him back is so hard now, which has never been an issue with anyone else. I don’t want to take another break because I’d just spend it thinking about him, and trying to go back to being friends afterward feels even scarier. I don’t want to lose him entirely, but this is hurting so much. I just want to be his friend, but I’ve never liked someone this much before. When I care about someone, they become my whole world, and right now, mine feels like it’s crashed. Seeing him happy makes me sad, and I feel awful for feeling that way. My ocd is making me spiral about this and keep obsessing about him and this connection making me feel restless. Most friends told me to try and let go and end this because I'm hurting but I don't wanna regret giving up on a friendship tho of I don't want a shallow one word per day friendship either.