Forgive the venting, super long post, unabashedly looking for empathy about this horrible disorder: I developed HOCD at 12, almost 13. I didn’t get treatment until 23 and I didn’t manage to quit that particular theme until I was 27. It ruined my life; I couldn’t look anyone in the eye until I was 19, I was overcome with graphic intrusive thoughts and obsessed all the time. I couldn’t touch anyone for 8 of the 10 years I had it without treatment and when I did touch people it was terrifying. The impact made me so anxious around sex and dating it robbed me almost completely of the ability to feel attraction, so I rarely tried dating. It ruined the only almost-relationship I’ve ever had, first because I couldn’t touch him and then I couldn’t look at him. After I got treatment I tried app dating, but because I didn’t fully embrace ERP it was a nightmare. It was like the light was on, but the lamp wasn’t plugged in—I so rarely found anyone attractive at all that I couldn’t date anyone. As we know, all of this happened to me because OCD knew dating was what I wanted more than anything else. Last summer, after grueling months of exposures, it worked—I beat HOCD. It stopped bothering me completely. I was free. My ability to feel attraction returned. I felt like I was alive. I told my two best friends, who had been there for me through all of it. I started developing feelings for a friend of a friend, encouraged by my best friend (relevant: also has OCD but isn’t treated for it). She told me initially that it sounded like I liked him, so I should go for it, and encouraged me when I talked to her about him. She has been there for me through the OCD discovery: I have told her things about it that I told only a handful of people, including how it impacted my sexuality. She was there for a lot of conversations about it and through the disastrous app dating experiences. But the guy I was into hit on my best friend. I tried to explain that I wouldn’t mind if she dated him at some point in the future but then I got really upset and tried to explain that it bothered me so much because of all the time I’d spent trying to feel anything like this, and that this feeling itself was the culmination of all that work, and I thought she understood that the feeling meant a lot to me and it would hurt if she dated him. But it turned out she had serious feelings for him and then she started dating him. To be clear, I didn’t think I deserved to date him because of what happened to me—I just thought she understood how I felt and how the disorder impacted me and she didn’t. It unraveled me. Sad and disappointed doesn’t cover it; I was so crushed and furious and miserable I didn’t recognize myself. None of my friends understood why I was so upset, and it turned out most of them valued her more than me. I ended up losing two really important friendships because our mutual best friend/my roommate—who I also confided in about my OCD—supported her. I’m not interested in who’s right or wrong or if she should have dated him or not. It wouldn’t have hurt nearly as much if he had dated someone else, but that the person I confided in about the worst aspect of my disorder dated the first person I was able to have uncomplicated feelings for in my life broke my heart. That she and my roommate will never understand the impact it had on me—that they think I overreacted and it ruined our friendships and why can’t I get over it so we can all hang out again—breaks my heart too. I don’t have a reason to post this story here except to hope someone on this app would empathize with how absolutely devastating it was to hear the people I trusted with how the various personal bullshit ways this disorder affected me so completely not understand. TLDR: after 15 years of HOCD making me so numb that I lost even the potential for any romantic or sexual experiences, I beat it. My best friend, who I told about how it impacted me, started dating the first person I had any feelings for that weren’t warped by HOCD. I got angry. My other best friend/roommate took her side. I am devastated. OCD sucks.