- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
Hey, I too suffer from Suicidal/Existential OCD. It’s been almost 3 months for me and I still feel like I’m struggling. I haven’t started ERP yet but it’s been very hectic. What has your experience been like if you don’t mind me asking?
- Date posted
- 5y
Also I don’t think you can do ERP too intensely.
- Date posted
- 5y
Yeah I hear you. Mine started after watching a movie where the character killed himself. It was like instant fusion and got stuck. I thought I was losing it until I stumbled onto ocd. Took so many online tests, researched endlessly etc. to make sure there was no way I wanted to commit suicide. Even the word gave me so much anxiety. I saw a therapist who instantly said it was suicidal ocd a subset of harm ocd. The initial relief was amazing...it’s been tough and ERP is def needed to help you navigate what’s happening inside your mind. Unfortunately ocd attacks those core values that are most important, so I love living and that’s why I got stuck and scared. Still dealing with it and have my spikes, but now have no anxiety. You just basically want to allow the thoughts (crazy I know) to come in and not try to suppress or push them away. The end goal is to get the brain so bored of them that it’s just a thought that you pay no attention to anymore. Easier said than done, but this takes time and for me I thought I could beat it in 6 months and be through, but it’s tricky. Just realize your thoughts are just thoughts and attack the fear. It will get better, but some days will seem like you’re alone. You’re not!
- Date posted
- 5y
Well, I think mine started after I read an article about suicide and a tweet about suicide rates. After that, everything was a trigger and it was so difficult because I didn’t even know Suicidal OCD existed. After I found out that Suicidal OCD exists, I had this hour of happiness I hadn’t experienced in a long time but that faded after a while and the anxiety struck again. Unfortunately I’ve reached a point where I believe that I don’t want this life and that’s making me live in so much fear and terror because I’m afraid I’m really going to do it. After being told by two psychiatrists and countless people on NOCD and reddit that what I have is just OCD, I still can’t believe it because I feel this urge that I want to die and that everything is just pointless. Perhaps it could be my existential OCD talking but I don’t believe that because I’m really worried about being actually suicidal and I don’t know what to do anymore. I see that you’re certain about not wanting to die, which is great because I guess that makes you feel more sane. I honestly wish I could believe that my thoughts are just thoughts but it’s so difficult man. I hope it gets better because it’s been really difficult lately.
- Date posted
- 5y
Yeah I hear you and that happens but man honestly ocd is nicknamed the doubting disease for a reason. Trust me some days I go through similar questions. Just what if’s. I had the same triggers so don’t be too hard on yourself man. You can push through and become a better person. Have you done erp?
- Date posted
- 5y
It will make you question everything, and make you feel utterly like the only person on the planet with this. Don’t worry you’re not. So many people have this theme. I’ve had many others, and honestly they’re all not fun.
- Date posted
- 5y
Yeah dude, you’re right. I need to work on all of that. Unfortunately I haven’t done any ERP yet but will definitely do so in the future since I’ve been told by countless people that it’s a must.
- Date posted
- 5y
Yup. I deal with it everyday but it’s gonna get better!
Related posts
- Date posted
- 22w
So I’ve noticed that my OCD has calmed down, I’m getting less intrusive thoughts but I feel more uncertain than ever. Is this normal for recovery?
- Date posted
- 16w
So I've been working to address my OCD for about a month now. So far, I haven't been working on it with a therapist and have instead been trying to create my own exposure exercises. The primary obsession I'm working on is the fear that I'm somehow flawed or invalid on a fundamental level. The best way I can describe it it is that its similar to the feeling you get when you have germ OCD and you feel contaminated, except my whole existence and being feels contaminated, so to speak. I've identified a list of triggers, and a list of compulsions (pretty much all mental) that I've noticed myself performing. I started out by doing imaginal exposures and scripts where I'd write out triggering fictional scenarios and read them over and over, combined with mindfulness techniques to focus on my breath and bring myself back to the present when I noticed myself performing compulsions mentally. At first it worked to some extent, but eventually I started to feel like the stories I was writing about this obsession weren't triggering any anxiety anymore or a very low level. So I stopped reading them and focused solely on improving my ability to stay present and identifying compulsions as I perform them, and disengaging. Now, I'm at the point where it seems like my general anxiety levels throughout the day are lower, and the triggers I've identified are producing noticeably less anxiety. But that makes me wonder if somehow I'm just secretly doing mental compulsions without knowing it? Is only a month of rather disorganized and unstructured ERP enough to produce this much improvement? To avoid giving me re-assurance, I'd appreciate if you guys don't directly answer those questions, maybe just provide some possibilities or your own experiences so I can get a better idea of where I'm at. Any info would be appreciated. Thanks!
- Date posted
- 11w
My theme is suicidal OCD. I’ve been doing ERP since last year November and the overall intensity of my thoughts have not reduced at all. I have these thoughts 24/7 and my life feels like a living hell. Not two minutes goes by throughout the day where I’m not suffering from relentless thoughts. I don’t want to take meds because of the side effects and my insurance is coming to an end so it’d be difficult to ween off them by myself. I’m starting to feel so hopeless because I’ve done the toughest of the toughest exposures and I’m not getting better at all. My life is a living hell and I don’t see my condition with OCD getting better anytime sooner.
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