My hocd hasn’t been this bad in a while, I used to be able to ignore the thought, even though I knew I didn’t want it I was able to go along with my day without seeking much assurance. However for the past two days all I’ve been feeling is that it’s true and that I really am lesbian and that I’m only straight because of how I grew up, which I don’t want and I don’t think is true because all my crushes have been on boys and I have such a loving boyfriend that I’m so in love with and I don’t wanna let him go. I keep questioning why I enjoyed lesbian porn, why female moaning turns me on a little more than male moaning, why my friend and I experimented when we were really young (I was just around 7 and she introduced me to lesbian porn and we used to act it out sometimes & we’d always play king and queen and I’d always wanna be the queen but she never let me) <—— my tocd also uses that as proof... anyways, I’m so stuck, I’m struggling to see a normal straight life even though I want it so bad. I used to tell myself (I’m not homophobic so please no one take this the wrong way & am against the camp) that I would literally send myself to conversion camp if my thoughts are trying to display my truth and trying to tell me something. I feel like I’m living a lie. I hate this.

My therapist told me that liking lesbian porn and sexual experimentation doesnt mean you're gay. It is normal to do at that age. Trust me I'm struggling with the same thing and I'm so sick of it feeling like I like it. I cant ignore it and it is a constant battle with my brain.

Your brain will always be able to come up with “evidence” that you aren’t who you think you are. This is mostly due to the fact that people are messy contradictions sometimes and OCD hates that. But here’s the thing: you can’t logic yourself into a different identity. No matter how much “sense” it can start to make after thinking about it so long, it still won’t be true. People don’t figure out their sexual orientation through a series of tests. They just are it. And there’s no undoing it.

when i was young me and my friend showed eachother our vaginas under the table in school. we still joke about t today cus it generally is funny. i’m not trying to reassure you but the porn that you watch doesn’t define you’re sexual orientation. you know the amount of guys who watch gay porn (they’d never admit it) and the amount of girls who watch lesbian porn? it’s really normal. for example if you were to watch a gang bang, does that really mean that you want to do the same? it may but 9/10 you wouldn’t want that.

ok that’s you. you’ve never wanted to. but there is a good amount of straight guys who have. and you saying “claim to be straighter than i am” just completely invalidate their sexual orientation. like i said before, the porn you watch doesn’t dictate your sexual orientation. so you can be the straightest person and watch gay porn, or you can be the gayest person and only watch striaght porn. or you can,like me, be straight and watch what ever porn you want cus who cares.

Hello, this is literally my exact situation! I also experimented with my friends at a young age and we did quite inappropriate things but didn’t really understand what we were doing just knew it felt good. My brain bullies me for this and makes me feel extremely guilty and repulsed by the experience. You’re not alone and my HOCD loves to make me feel so so bad about and has manipulated it into something it wasn’t!

Oh my goodness I can’t explain how much I relate to this, I think I might cry. I feel the exact same way! I have a boyfriend who loves me sooo much and I’ve only ever had crushes on boys but then all of a sudden my brain will be like “you’re absolutely gay and here’s why”