I had the worst what if moment or stating it as a fact. If anyone in the comments is okay with giving me advice that would be helpful!! I’ll just tell that person what is was. I don’t want to seek for reassurance

Okay so I have a boyfriend whom I love and want to marry and I am on a trip with him right now. And I have been dealing with my thoughts in an okay way but they still bother me so much. There was this one where it said “well if you’re a lesbian and are gonna dump him that means you’re going to break his heart and he will be made fun of for being the last person you dated that made you become gay”. (This thought had bothered me so much) I have noticed a pattern where my ocd strikes at my partner ALWAYS maybe because I am beyond scared to lose him so it throws anything it can at me. I feel like I fear the idea and what will happen if I turn gay more than actually turning gay because at the end of the day I deep down know I’m straight and stuff and I wanna be like this forever. This just all breaks my heart and makes me sad. I guess throughout this whole trip when I see girls and boys I try to test myself and I always end up seeing boys as something I want and I look at girls as a sort of admiration like “I wish I was like that” not really in a romantic way. But all of these thoughts I just mentioned have left me feeling sad and guilty and have broken my heart in a million pieces

@takingmylifeback @takingmylifeback I totally understand what you’re saying and I went through the same exact thing. I can’t help you realize these things but when I was dealing with HOCD these are some things I wish I knew (that I knew after therapy and years of struggling): 1) OCD attacks what we love most (your boyfriend. I’m guessing romantic relationships have always been important to/ a dream of yours) 2) OCD lies. OCD is incredibly good at telling us we’re something we’re not 3) people who are truly gay can agonize over their sexuality but not for the reasons you are (they worry “how can I tell family, will I be accepted?”). They don’t agonize if they are or not because when they think of homosexual interactions it makes them happy/calm/feels right. The thought of homosexual actions isn’t scary or anxiety inducing to them like it is for you 4) you don’t “turn gay” all of a sudden. You might hear stories about people who “realized they were gay “ late in life but it’s FAR more likely that they knew, they just didn’t want to accept this side of themselves due to stigma. I know a lot of gay people and every single one of them knew from an early age that they were interested in the same sex 5) with therapy you can learn to live with and start to not believe these thoughts. It takes a lot of work but it’s possible I hope these facts can help you relieve some of your guilt. I my eyes you have nothing to feel guilty for, however you need to come to terms with your fears as fears, and hopefully you can with therapy and mindfulness!

@blech123 Thank you SO SO much for taking your time to respond with this and for understanding. I appreciate it so much and I will keep this all in mind. Hopefully one day I can give someone some advice like this

@takingmylifeback Of course! I hope things start to turn around for you! If you need support please feel free to message on this thread any time and I will be here!

I’m glad I’m not alone!! also it’s in the comment above^^^