Real Event OCD TW About that terrible sexual assault event (maybe this is a strong word, but I dont know if only "disrespect" or "physical harm" would be better) that I already post here. So as I know for now, I crealy knew that what I was doing was wrong and that I deserve punishment, even this being already forgiven and forgotten. As more day passes and as I see more news and people talking about this kind of subject, more I go into a suicidal hole again. My arm is injured due to self harm, as I believe I deserve to suffer and never be happy.

I am sorry you are going through this too. I think this is the worst thing I faced since pocd, I dont know how to move on

I know exaclty how is that! I am afraid of telling to my therapist too, I dont have courage to, this is rotten me. I've already spoken with the person I caused harm and it doesnt remember well too, even an other close person dont believe me and have different memories of what happened, As you said, its worse, because its based on something I did in the past :(

@Newstage I have told a past therapist and she was fine with it, but I'm afraid a new one wont be :( and sometimes I wish they would remember so they could just tell me I'm being silly, because not knowing pains me and I cant help imagining they'll remember later on and call me a rapist. The uncertainty drives you insane, it really does. Idk how to make it better, feel like I'll never forget.

@worryqueen I have told one time to a pastor in 2018 when I were going to church. I always very afraid of telling therapist, even without detail, just straight to the point, but I fear it. I wish the person I harmed could remember well or believe when I saw, but what happened was when I said, the person became upset over me. Its hard to believe we do something to believe like we are rap*st. I wish things were different or at least that I could forget and move on :(

@Newstage I confessed in 2018, but I feel like bringing it up again to go into more detail. I wish so too, but I guess we should be thankful they dont since that means the event had little meaning to them and no psychological damage. It still hurts though. I wish I could forget too but I feel like this will be with me forever :( I feel like a victim, but in my head I'm the perpetrator. What's worsworse is that there was a four year age gap between us and that's considered abnormal

@worryqueen I understand. I dont know thought why the obsession and ruminating over confessing and mainly about details. Its strange. Like you said, we need to be thankful that the event didnt "harmed" them emotionally or psychologicaly. Its strange that we find ourselves with a need to talk. I feel too like this will be with me forever, this even makes me want to be single and lonely till I die. I just hope somehow we manage to move on and feel better, despite the guit, and be free. I know that I am not alone anymore and I think you too. You can count on me if you need :)

@Newstage Yeah exactly, if we confessed already then it's up to the other person to bring it up if they want to, not us. I dont think it'll be easy to have a relationship either in the future because of this, I can already see myself confessing to my future partner about it, but yes. I hope we can move on and learn to accept the situation as what it is. I definitely feel less along now too :)

@worryqueen Me too, that was one of my concerns sometime ago, about having to confess to the person when in the relationship, its hard. Anyway, I am glad you are feeling less alone too :)