Having an extremely difficult time. I honestly just want to vent. I understand if you accidentally give reassurance but try not to. This is long. So thank you if you read it all. Hoping I will look back at this one day and be like “Wow. I actually got through this.” But for now, my OCD has been UP. A. WALL. since I moved back in to a toxic household. First it was ridiculous obsessions over coronavirus when lockdown started but being too depressed to even actually clean anything so I just would freak out all day but I’m like well nothing can be 100 percent clean so there is not point. Flash forward about month into April, a lot has happened in my house and my parents are getting a divorce. My dad is extremely abusive and has mental health/alcohol problems himself but is untreated. I’m trying my best to be here for my mom but also dealing with my own issues. It seems like my dad’s actions have triggered me into thinking I’m a terrible person and will do or I have done exactly what he has done. And I’ll back on that bullshit where my favorite shows I watch have content that makes my brain go “Oh you would do that.” “You support that.” “Your mom is dealing with your dad cheating but your favorite character cheater and you love her blah blah blah” “You’re a terrible person for thinking that/doing that” it’s like something every day!! And now I’m having this guilty about killing bugs, or just literally every single thought all day is like “Hey remember you did this/thought that. That was bad” My brain latches on to some guilty thought I had, something I said, or some action I did. It’s like my thoughts have to be 100 PERCENT PURE or I’m like “I’m a terrible person. I should die, I don’t deserve to live.” There have been several things I have done/said that I absolutely cannot stomach right now and feel like I don’t deserve to live but I have no intent on killing myself. I do want to run away from home though but I know I can’t. But then I feel like I just want to cause a scene and I feel bad about that. Everything is just like “Remember when you said that? Or your posted that. You shouldn’t do that!” It’s like all day every day. Or if I think back to something guilty I feel about a friend I just want to completely cut them off and start over and not hang out with them but I know that is a compulsion to avoid. Today I forced myself to hang out with a friend even when I felt that urge. I could be here all day and telling you every single obsession but that is basically what it all is is moral/guilt/shame OCD, as well as several other topics I’ve been having like harm, contamination, perfectionism, obsessing over flaws, sexual orientation etc.. I am so overwhelmed. If you made it this far, thank you so much for your time. I could have made it way longer my trying to resist that perfectionism urge LOL

poohbear21

Date posted: 5y

You guys are so strong...I wish it wasnt like this for us but I'm confident we're gonna get out of this.

anxiouspotato

Date posted: 5y

Stay confident guys! I know it feels like no one understands but I do! And environment makes a huge difference. We’ll get through it!

JennyJ

Date posted: 5y

It is a lot to handle. You must be exhausted. It is late and I can't sleep and I am exhausted from OCD too. You are strong, i hope you know it. I feel you. I am sending you hugs

anxiouspotato

Date posted: 5y

Why do I want to tell you I love you right now, lol. Thank you so much. Sending you love. I have been up too not sleeping and exhausted from it. I hope you get some sleep soon. Thanks for reading it all. You are extremely strong as well. <3

JennyJ

Date posted: 5y

Aww you just made my night better! Sometimes people around us don't get us, and it is really disheartening. My parents tend to laugh when I say I have OCD (despite the fact that I was diagnosed by a professional). Or my mom just tells me that I shouldn't worry or be stressed about "little stuff". Today I actually told her that I am like this because she raised me to be like this. She was extremely harsh on me and I always feared making a mistake that could get her upset, and I was just a little child. I felt bad after I told her. I didn't apologize though. I still feel bad but I just reacted to mean stuff she had just said. I feel sad, on top of what OCD throws at me. I wish I had more people near me who really got what it's like to live with this. Know that you have my support, I understand you and see your struggle. This is not our fault, and we are not to be mistreated. Wish I could do more to help

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