It’s like I can’t live my life the way I want it to because this just feels too real... it’s like one day in the future I’m gonna accept the fact that I’m gay and actually want it... it’s like I am in the closet and desire/ want all of this and I’m gonna have to deal with it... it’s like the life I’ve always dreamt of having is being stripped away from me by my own head... it’s like “if I just didn’t have this theme maybe I would be happier”. This is so tiring... so so tiring. I want to be happy, I don’t want to feel guilty and it feels as if the only way to do this is to be gay and break up with the love of my life. I am terrified to lose this life I have,, I am terrified to lose my identity,, I am terrified to lose the one person I love the most,, I am living in fear with a constant bully in my head. I am living in fear every step of the way and it is so hard to accept the thoughts because it feels like if I do I will become what I fear the most. What is this is just not ocd,, what I’ve been like this all my life,, what if I can’t choose my boyfriend because people just don’t choose to be gay. I’m frightened. I want my life back, I want my freedom back, I want my happiness back. Without any fears, any guilt because of these thoughts, without ever having to doubt about my straightness, without having to doubt about my future. I hate this

I know how you feel and experience it myself. I feel so guilty thinking about my crush because I like him so much but my thoughts say otherwise. Every mental image and thoughts are so distressing, I can't even be happy for a moment. When I'm in a good mood, I feel like I shouldn't be all lively or joyful. Whenever I see someone good looking, I fear that I'm attracted to them. My past, especially my past, has been manipulated to the point where I can't tell what ACTUALLY happened. The thoughts tell me that I used to like the gender I'm not attracted to (girls). I get random memories of when I might have been attracted to or had a crush on a specific person. I don't even remember liking them, I do remember that I aspired to be them and admired their features and aspects. Don't get me wrong, I fully support LGTBQ and have NOTHING against it. But everything I did has been tainted and ruined by these thoughts. Now, I get thoughts about society and the standards being put into my life. And how this might have contributed to my "attraction." These odd feelings have genuinely made me question every inch of my life. "Have I always felt like this?" & "If I found girls pretty, does that mean something?" & "Did I never like boys?" & "Was I forced to like them?" & "Am I sexually attracted to the same sex?" The worst part is that I'm scared for my future, what if I'm just lying to myself and I already know the truth? It's so difficult!!!!! :( I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and I hope you will feel better soon. Keep fighting!! <3 -even writing this made me anxious

I know how hard it is, I really do. I have been there. Ive had OCD almost 7 years. Are you in therapy?

I can relate to how you feel. I just got married and have been having similar thoughts related to doubting that choice and my identity, although not specifically related to being gay. Hang in there! You are not alone.

You took the words from my mouth. I hate this too, it doesn’t seem fair.