Hey guys I’d love your opinion on some stuff! I’ve had my first instrusive thought about being depressed/suicidal on September 13th 2017. I got intrusive thoughts where I had depression and thought I was gonna end up killing myslef to a point where I really convinced myself I was depressed and would constantly look up depression symptoms. Then it somehow became into thoughts being bisexual cause I thought a girl was super super super pretty which was October 28th, 2017 but this spiraled into Harm/killer OCD thoughts after watching a violent scene in the movies and thought I enjoyed it and it’s been torture for me ever since. A year later here I am. Harm OCD has prolly been the hardest! At first I was so bad when I was scared to talk to people and felt guilty becoming friends with them Because they’re Talking to a serial killer. Some days are good. Some days are terrible. I can’t stay out too long and feel anxious going to places sometimes because it might spike my killer thoughts again. If I was able to survive a year without meds do you guys think I’ll be able to get rid of this killer thoughts without meds? I’m convinced where therapy won’t ever help me... and I gonna suffer like This forever. I have health insurance and I don’t know where to start and who to go to.

First off know your not alone. I guarantee you have a lot of amazing character traits. Your sensitive and analytical! OCD attacks all the things that hold hold most dear to you so it likely started with just a thought. The difference between a thought of 1 in 40 who have OCD or anxiety and the ones who don’t is the reaction to the thought. Your suffering right now not because of your thoughts you are simply suffering to your reactions to your thoughts. If back when you had your first horrible thought you just said oh that is weird and went on with your day we would not be talking about this right now. Even the most normal presentable professional people in the world have intrusive thoughts the difference between them and us is the welcome the thoughts, brush them off as just a thought and carry on with their day. We on the other hand go oh fuck me what the hell was that. We release adrenaline, sodium lactate, and cortisol in to our blood and that shit curses through us and makes us afraid. That right there is how she all starts my friend. Then what happens next is we try suppress the thoughts which word temporary but in the sub conscious of our minds we always know of these thoughts that we just don’t ever want to think of again. If I told you not to think of a pink elephant and under no circumstance can you think of one for the next 5 min you would not last 10 seconds and that study was done at a university in the USA. This is the next problem! The more we try not to think about our thoughts the more we think about them and this is where the vicious cycle continues. Also you’ll wanna look up thought action fusion which explains what I’m talking about. Every thing that you can possibly think about you will start to turn a twist and doubt yourself to the most dark areas of your life. You will think your not worthy. You will think your better off dead or that you might kill your parents , friends , kids , and pets. You will think your going fucking insane and if anyone ever knew what you were thinking that they would lock u up and throw away the key. The more anxiety you have the deeper you will fall into depression because hardly anyone can go through this shit without it depressing their mind. You will doubt your every thought and if you don’t take care of this it will eat at you for years and years. They call it the self doubting disease for a reason and OCD is a ruthless beast that can take over your life but here’s the good news ! You have the power to fight back. Medication??? Maybe but know that if you take a pill a pill might work but I can only suggest in the year your in meds you dedicate 100% of your life to recovery from OCD. If you meditate your brain but you don’t master ERP CBT then essentially when you come off the meds your symptoms will return. This is why we hear of people on and off meds their whole life , very few tend to put in the hard fucking work every single day to fight their broken brain. You need to accept that a part of your mind is broken and embrace it. Embrace your fear. Call it on and try think of the worst thing possible ! Voice record your worst thoughts and listen to them 20 min a day every day.Habitualize Your your worst thoughts and eventually they lose their power because your brain gets board of the same ol same ol ! Use humour in your life laugh at your mind and have fun with it don’t fight it . When you let your thoughts be they will let you be and that quote comes from someone who recovered from pure O. Exercise daily! Eat right ! Read ! Journal ! Download OCD stories $11 ya per month and start listening to podcasts daily. Audible app and two books that are fantastic.. OCD anxiety, panic attacks and related depression. Great listen 8 hours of amazing stuff that will make you feel like your not alone and gives great advice from the co author who helped Adam in his fight. Also DARE is great and aside from that just know that knowledge is power. The more you question your mind the deeper you’ll get in the rabbit hole. The more you let go and learn and educate your mind on your disorder and embrace your fears the sooner they let you go. Also know you’ll likely have this forever don’t let that scare you just know that having OCD is not a death sentence! In fact it can teach you skills that very few people have so have fun with it. Be yourself and don’t give up ! Fuck OCD and the horse it rode into your life on. Accept , embrace, and control and you’ll go the distance I promise you. I’ve had every single most horrific thought and urge you could even ever imagine and you know what the funny thing is ??? Not one thing yet has proven to be true, nor have I ever reacted on my thoughts so it stands so true that I’ve wasted a major part of my life obsessing and worrying about shit that has not even happened yet ! What a waste of time. Don’t waste your life as I have mine worrying about all the things in your life that likely will never come true !! Good luck

Also don’t worry if you start to think that maybe you do actually enjoy your thoughts ! I better put that out there too just so you don’t freak out next time you have a thought then tell yourself I think I enjoy this thought which will scare you even worse! I thought I better put that out there for you because OCD even has a tendency to really make you question yourself. Remember self Doubting disease! Its called that for a reason so just be assured that every single fucking thought that hits your brain that is not comfortable is nothing more, nothing less than OCD end of story !!! You wouldn’t be here looking for answers if you were your thoughts. People with no conscious and true pchyco paths don’t look for answers-and don’t search for help. You need to be compassionate to yourself for what your going through and learn to love yourself again. Right now you probably hate yourself and that needs to change

I hate to break it to you but your thoughts and feelings , and temptations combined with excessive worry is just as plain and boring as so many people with anxiety and OCD disorder. Take it from someone who’s struggled with this pretty severe since 2013. Can you do it without meds the answer is yes but you totally need to educate yourself on your condition and your ways of thinking. You will need to learn how to accept your thoughts and your mind. You’ll need to learn not to run away from your thoughts but rather call upon them at random times through the day and get as uncomfortable as you possibly can and sit through your emotions without seeking reassurance or ease if your anxiety which is the compulsive side of OCD! If your interested in hearing from an old pro get back to me and I can point you in the right direction to some good tactics that might get your ball rolling Curtis

Am I recovered??? No but I work on my shit daily! I’ve had the worst thoughts imaginable I truly have ! Yes the urges feel real !!Really fucking real and the reason you immediately default to a thought of death or dying is because you feel so fucking shitty about yourself and your entirety fucking shameful that you could even be having these thoughts to begin with right !!!?? Exactly!! Trust me been there done that ! I was on meds nearly 1 year first time in my life I ever took them. The problem with medication in my opinion is that just like the other posts you read they did the same for me which is completely numb me out. I never felt sad yet I wasn’t happy either ! I know I’m a loving person , I know deep down my true intentions and my values as do you ! The reason your so wrapped up in your self defeating thoughts is because deep down you also know that everything your thinking right now about this or that is furthest from your truth and that’s why they hurt so much ! Put it this way , if you thought about these horrible thoughts and actually enjoyed them then we got something to worry about ! The fact that these thoughts scare the fucking shit out of you is a perfect indication that it is nothing more than just an anxiety disorder called OCD! Remember it’s not the thought that’s the problem it’s your reaction to your thoughts that will get you in trouble and you’ve got really good at reacting to your thoughts in a very self destructive way !! Your thoughts cannot hurt you! They are just thoughts nothing more nothing less and the second you learn to not react in a fearful way will be the moment they lose power. Trust me I’ve been down the darkest fucking roads and scariest streets with this disorder and it has made me hundreds of times think I’m probably better of to just kill my self to ease the pain. I’m not a fucking quitter and neither are you. My urges have felt so real in the past that I thought for 100% sure I was Schizophrenic , or for sure by polar!! I never even wanted to know the truth because I thought for sure I’d be locked up in a mental hospital never to be heard of again. These days I still struggle but I make progress all the time. My harm thoughts these days are about as boring as they come. There is the odd one that stabs me in the heart and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t ruminate from the time I wake till I go to bed but I’m giving less of a fuck about it all the time. I still struggle yes. I still worry yes , and I question myself daily but learning to live with OCD and knowing that is ok not to be ok is when you’ll finally get some relief. Remember knowledge is power! You can’t beat OCD you can only learn to accept it , minimize your symptoms with ERP CBT and just learn to love and live! Remember when you let your thoughts be they will let you be . Easier said than done I know but next time your feeling good try actually bring on a panic attack or an intrusive thought! What happens is they won’t come, and you know why ??? It’s because you’ve called upon it and your not afraid of it anymore and that my friend is ERP in a nutshell and it’s how to take your power back !!

They covered it all! Lots of love and light your way ✨✨✨✨ I found mindspace today the app. And love it! Helps you feel more grounded.

commenting because this is too helpful to lose and too long to screenshot. thank you so very much!

You bet!! Anytime keep the conversation going !

Hey just know that there are millions of people experiencing the exact same thing as you including my self. I’ve had thoughts about killing my self too. I’ve also had thoughts about sexuality. Just know that you are not alone

@curtis OMG YES PLEASE DO HELP id be honored to hear your advice and tips/tricks. I get so depressed thinking like why me? I’m in college still and it’s so tough! How am I gonna get married etc.? Get a job? Why do I have to suffer while everyone is enjoying their life? What did I do? How are is OCD now? Have u recovered atm?

Omg this made me so emotional? Would you consider ur self recovered/ OCD FREE? Yes I don’t want to take meds... sure it’ll help but I’ve ready many posts where people talk about it being numb and how they went off and it back hard... the urges are so bad! They feel so real. One time I had to urge to kill someone like even random people. The urge feels so real! That’s when I feel insane and wanna die. It’s so hard. I try keeping the thoughts in my head and not push it back. But I can’t it’s not helping me.

I understand it all!

@naeum. Thank you for the kind words so much appreciated ?. OCD is a tricky bastard because although I know I have gained progress and I’m in a better place now than I was a while ago make no mistake I still have some pretty dark days but I’m constantly getting better at being ok with not being ok. That’s half the battle with this shit is learning just that! That we are not our thoughts , that our thoughts are just that...thoughts !!! Period !! Again we all struggle with intrusive thoughts and OCD not because of the thoughts that we have that had got us all in trouble but rather how we react to the thoughts that we have. Fear is not real ! Fear is nothing but an imagination in our minds about something that we tell ourselves will surely happen yet the funny part is it never does. At least not for me. Great question how long have I had OCD? Diagnosed by my phycologist 4 months ago , but was suspicious that I possibly had ocd over 3 years ago but hid it from myself my wife and my family. When I really look back I’ve probably had it my entire life. When I look back at my childhood I grew up in an alcoholic environment both mom and dad. Divorced when I was 4 and fought each other still for 28 years more. I grew up insecure, scared , worried , . I doubted everything and always told myself I wasn’t good enough, smart enough good looking you name it I told myself it. I grew up a very negative thinker. Started drinking and using pot at 13-14 years old and continued that path right through into my 30s. My first panic attack was at 19 . I knew something was wrong at 22-25-26-30-32-35 and in fact it wasn’t till I was 35 that I was at my worst when I finally got so bad I thought I was probably better off to kill my self although suicide scared the fucking shit out of me. I was scared to die but I was scared to live. I have 2 boys 3 and 5. Jack and Alex. These guys keep me going ! How can one try end their pain only to transfer it to the ones you leave behind and that is my ever going fight and still is. I’m not going to quite and the decision to recover is my 100% goal. I wanna help people who walk down this path because when I look back at my life of what I’ve been through I want it to be my mission , my goal to help people like you and anyone else that struggling. I’ve got a PHD in anxiety and OCD because I’ve been practicing to a degree of recovery since I was 26. 10 years ago. Back then I had just met my wife little did I know back then and I knew I had anxiety but I didn’t know about OCD and I’ve likely been depressed since my early 20s but would never admit it. I’m a tough one to crack and I hid my shit from everyone. Always the guy everyone loved. Always fun outgoing etc but inside I’ve been screaming for help for decades. Just didn’t know where to turn and when my first son Alex was born in 2013 was the first time I had a thought of harming him. Got to a point where when my wife would leave home I’d panic. I couldn’t look at knives or even sit at a kitchen table. I fought through years of this and told no one, and the longer I fought my head and my thoughts the worse the became. My harm ocd has me on such a hyper-vigilant state that it started to make me believe I was Schizophrenic or Bipolar! Then I fought these thoughts for another 2-3 years until recently when I started seeing a Psychologist. The scariest day for me was just a few months ago when I went in to see if I was in fact Schizophrenic or bipolar. I didn’t want to know the answer and when he ran the test and said it’s just OCD I still never believed him. There was no way in fucking hell anyone could think how I thought and not be insane. I’m not recovered yet. I’ve got a lifetime of shit to go through but I know who I am and I know I’ll be ok and that is what everyone needs to learn. I’m not scared of my mind like I was. I’ve been educating myself on this shit for 10 years plus but I always doubted that I could get to live the life I wanted so bad. I work for a top oil company and I’m very successful. I own two homes in one of the most desirable places in western Canada . Two beautiful boys and all that I could ever want so what could possibly be so wrong. Ya know what !!! Nothing!! and that’s where I have gone so wrong for over 30 years developing a thinking pattern and a negative response to almost every thought since I’ve been a child. It’s all been a crock of shit and I’ve spent a lifetime worrying about things that have never even happened. I’ve diagnosed myself with 100 types of cancer. Knew I was going to die or have a heart attack 1000 times. Knew I was going to go insane freak out and never be able to think rational again and you know what the funniest part of all this shit is ??? It’s never happened yet !! I chose to accept my imperfections and my broken brain. Everyone I know is broken in one way or another and one more tip. If you haven’t come clean with all the people in your life that you suffer then do it. Don’t hide it because when you hide who you are you will never be who you want to become. I let people friend and family know all the time I’m fucking crazy and I do it in a joking way but honestly I also do it to ease my stress. I’ve told some family members this year and some pretty close friends I have OCD and they fucking love me just as much as they always have. My wife will stick with me through thick and thin and although we’ve had a toxic 10 years the more she gets to know my shit and the more I confess the closer we become. I know you just ramble on these posts but again this is part of my recovery it’s to help others so I can also help myself. I’m going to write a book one day I’ve got a lot to say and I love to write. I’m going to one day quite my oil patch job and dedicate my life to helping people who struggle. I will always have OCD it ain’t going away. It never goes away permanently but when you can learn to live with OCD and minimize your daily anxiety and depression then that’s all you can ever do. Making a choice to be who you need to be chasing your dreams and loving yourself is key to recovery. I’ve hated myself for as long as I can remember , and I’ve decided that I’m not going to continue to torment my mind and continue down the destructive path of self doubt! I will always have my days. Even with people that have recovered their OVD will still flare up in times of loss or stress or worse. It’s a matter of excepting your current situation and continuing on no matter how tough it gets and the moment we all decide to live with the idea that is ok not to be ok and eliminating having to be perfect, think perfect-and all the other BS that is associated with developing negative thinking patterns will be the day that we live our life’s the way it’s meant to live !! Thanks guys. All the best. Keep it going !!!