Hi guys, I’m really struggling right now, and I would appreciate comments. I’ve been commenting a lot on all of your posts, and I hope you’re all doing better. Unfortunately, my POCD and Sexual Orientation OCD are scaring me to the point that I don’t think I deserve anything in life. Through adolescence, I would get aroused thinking about my pediatrician appointments, which led me to watch pediatric YouTube videos in my teen years. (They were of all ages, some/a lot my own.) Once I realized how bad it was, I stopped, but my POCD is roaring so loud. I don’t want to touch a child, I don’t want to hurt a child, I avoid TV shows that trigger me. I am gay, and I struggled with HOCD in freshman year of college. As soon as I came out, I believed I was straight—and I HATED that. I didn’t want to be straight. I got groinals, just as I do with this fear. I got through that first one, and it should be an indicator that my POCD is also fake, but I just read somewhere that someone came out as a real P and attracted to women as well. I’M SO SO SCARED that’s me even tho I don’t want to be attracted to either. I’m just terrified because my “type” is younger looking guys (the term in gay language is “Twink,” I am one myself.) I’m not into body hair or super muscle men, or men much older than me. I feel like I can’t even enjoy my type now cuz they maybe “look” like kids. Also I’m having memories of scrolling through Instagram accounts as late as last year! (I think?) looking for beach pictures?? I didn’t “act” on it, and I don’t think I was actively looking, maybe it came up randomly on recommended because I watch certain shows on TV, but I don’t WANT THAT AND I CAN’T BELIEVE IT HAPPENED AND I HOPE IT WAS SUBCONSCIOUS I really don’t want to hurt anyone, I avoid it at all costs, I wanna blame it on false memories, I just don’t know ? I’ve never hurt a child. For reference I’ve also had perfectionism OCD, ROCD, fear I was trans, etc. (I even thought I WANTED to be trans, but one day I realized that wasn’t true.)

js94

Date posted: 5y

I think you identify as gay with straight HOCD which could overlap with POCD. I've suffered with both too

FuckOCD

Date posted: 5y

Thank you

FuckOCD

Date posted: 5y

I will add that it’s reassuring that when I “test” myself with people my age versus people way younger than me, I only experience true, evidential arousal with the people my age. The other is just groinal response, which feels like “stirring” and anxiety “down there” without actual movement. Also one is pleasing, one is absolutely torturous

js94

Date posted: 5y

Have HOCD as a straight man so I can relate to doubting your sexual orientation and being so scared. I get groinals in my front and in my rear. I would never act on it but the constant presence of it makes me think "I'd like it" . I

FuckOCD

Date posted: 5y

Same. Honestly, do you think my fears are true?

js94

Date posted: 5y

I think your OCD fears r valid.

FuckOCD

Date posted: 5y

So you think it’s just OCD?

js94

Date posted: 5y

I think everyone would agree u have OCD

FuckOCD

Date posted: 5y

But you don’t think I’m straight or a P right???

figuringital...

Date posted: 5y

Hi! Gay POCD person here. I related a lot to your story. How’re you doing??

FuckOCD

Date posted: 5y

Thank you so much for commenting! My parents and sister are here this weekend, all hearing everything and saying it’s POCD and not real, because I’ve never hurt anyone and don’t want to and it makes me uncomfortable to think about. If you’d like to talk, even if not on this app, I’d be so more than happy to talk :)

figuringital...

Date posted: 5y

@FuckOCD Sure! Are you on the POCD What’s App by chance?

FuckOCD

Date posted: 5y

I’m not, could you send the link?

figuringital...

Date posted: 5y

https://chat.whatsapp.com/CKnytCTes5a3CzuzCTC3iF

figuringital...

Date posted: 5y

@figuringitallout Hey! Did you wind up joining?

FuckOCD

Date posted: 5y

@figuringitallout I did! I was reading through but I got triggered so I didn’t type yet

figuringital...

Date posted: 5y

@FuckOCD I think I DMed you

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