I want to be dead but I don’t want to be dead. It’s a dilemma ? I have so many goals and things I want to become and do in the future. My teenager years have gone down the drain. Now I’m questioning if life will ever get better for me ?? Like it used to be before this hell storm intruded me (3 years ago). When I was younger I saw myself married and growing a family, now I don’t. Idk if it’s a form/theme of ocd but today I kept thinking, “what if I never like anyone ever again or catch feelings for anyone and I’ll stay alone forever” I feel so numb toward everyone and don’t feel attraction to anyone. Before, I’d be crushing over so many guys and now I don’t have interest in anything...can this also be a result of not enough serotonin ?? Anyways I’m not looking for reassurance I think I just needed to vent my late night thoughts and write them out...

I know you don’t want reassurance but maybe all this means is right now you’re supposed to focus on you. Not some random guy who’s probably not even worthy of you. Just don’t try to convince yourself you like someone when actually all you want is to feel something. I don’t know how serious you were about wanting to die and I’m sure you know that that would be terrible but honestly don’t even put you’re energy into those thoughts. Everything is temporary. Nothing really lasts forever.

Thanks for hearing me out ! :) yes I been trying to see the positive of this whole thing, and maybe it’s suppose to happen like this for self improvement. After all, I’ve always been so self conscious since I was a child maybe it’s time to change that now and stop putting myself down. Thanks again <333

life sucks and it's hard, but i've really started to savour and hold on to really small things that make me happy. like the colour of the sky, or when im running late but the bus is as well so i still make it, or the taste of coffee, and shit like that. it used to be hard to look at the small stuff but i think that over time it just gets easier.

Idk man, I often want to be dead but it would be awful for my family so I don't do anything about it. I mean, I can probably struggle a lot, to end up with a moderately happy life. Acceptance of whatever happens, even if it's bad, would have to be key, which takes bravery, and the bravery is exhausting when you've not been raised to be resilient. I agree with the other poster- these lows happen, but they do pass. Fill your life with things you enjoy and minimise your time spent worrying. Seize the day and all that. I go back on forth a lot on whether I want or could cope with having a partner or children, so I prefer to not think about it and try to trust that I'll have clarity about that at some point in the future.