I often wonder if my SOOCD and ROCD stem from an extreme fear of getting pregnant. Growing up my mom would say things like “I bet shes the one that will get pregnant in high school, in college, before marriage, etc” Ive alway been one to prove someone wrong so here I am, 30 years old, afraid to get intimate with anyone because it always leads to me feeling extremely guilty. Ive broken off the only 2 relationships Ive had in the last 10 years because of this. I usually use some lame excuse like religion differences but deep down I know its this fear. I started seeing a guy recently. Theres something different with him or maybe its just the timing of being quarantined and learning about OCD. I enjoy my time with him until things start getting more physical then Im constantly battling these fears: am I only letting him get farther to prove the soocd wrong or do I actually enjoy this? Or, we got pretty far this time, that only means next time we get together the likelihood of me getting pregnant goes way up. Even though I dont do anything that will get me pregnant, I still worry that the next time I do something, Ill go all the way and Ill get pregnant. I always have mixed feelings after I see him like I really did enjoy spending time with him but I also just feel so guilty. Unlike the previous relationships I have this fear of being gay on top of the original fear of getting pregnant. Most of the time I feel dead and numb inside because that feeling is better than the guilt and uncertainty. However, I will say knowing that its OCD has made a huge difference, I only feel like that most of the time instead of all the time. Anyways thanks for coming to my TEDtalk, I need to get that off my chest this morning.