- Username
- Vieira da $$$ilva
- Date posted
- 4y ago
i didn’t know cis-OCD was a thing and i think i’ve just realised that’s what i’m experiencing, omg. ik that ocd can have a lot of personalised themes that aren’t very wide-spread but it never clicked with me that i could have cis-OCD. i’m trans, and i convinced myself for the longest time that i had trans-OCD, yet it always confused me because people with tOCD were always scared that they were trans, yet i was always scared of being cis. for the longest time i didn’t think that i was actually transgender, and i was so scared that after ERP i’d find out that i was actually cis. so actually thank you for posting this oml. i’ve never actually come across someone who i related to in that sense.
Thank you so much for reaching out & saying this, for real. It really made me fucking happy - I was emotionally exhausted in the days after making this post, so I didn’t respond to anyone, but I want you to know that. Finding anyone else with cis OCD is so rare, and to have some role in helping someone realize they have cis OCD - I mean it’s an honor, really. We *need* to find each other. We need to write resources l, make it known in trans circles that this is a thing. One of the trans people I’ve met who told me about mental patterns that sounded *exactly* like OCD didn’t think of herself as having OCD at all. The official OCD treatment world hasn’t even transitioned out of typing all sexuality/gender OCD in terms of “homosexual OCD,” as though cis straight people are the only human beings in the universe.
@Vieira da $$$ilva???? I wish we could “friend” each other! I suppose they don’t want social cliques forming. But we’ll see each other around in the pure-O areas of the app. I’ll be happy to discuss how you’re doing whenever you see fit to post about it. :3
@Vieira da $$$ilva???? thank you so much for replying!!! like you said finding somebody with cis-ocd can be so rare and i’ve never found someone i relate to until now. i never even thought of the possiblity of me having cis-ocd before i saw this post because i’d never seen it anywhere. i think it definitely should be talked about more - for example if an article online mentions hocd, it could talk about the fear of being straight as well as lgbt. and ikr, i wish you could friend people lmao. the only other way i could would be like... insta or something lmao. thanks for reaching out, i’ll definitely be posting about it more
@cole Let’s both post about it more! Hell, I’ve thought of writing about it.
Hi ! I am suffering from this as well and it is really the worst form of OCD I dealt with ( I’m a straight cisgender woman ) . I hate waking up because my anxiety has destroyed my sex drive and when I wake up my OCD tells me I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body but I’ve always loved being a woman and I still do . ERP has helped me so my obsessions change atleast 20 times a day to try and convince me I hate being a woman . For anyone cis or trans etc our gender indentities define us so OCD attacks us . For me I just start allowing the thoughts and welcoming them and because of ERP allowing them makes me realize the absurdity of their existence. It’s horrible but there is light at the end of the tunnel for us OCD suffers ❤️
I had a major relapse this week as well, but my ERP techniques have been keeping me a little more grounded and hopeful for the future. I hope you're able to get through this attack soon. Stay strong and know that we're all here with you.
I'm a cisgendered female going through tocd and socd. Sometimes I'm scared that I'm actually a straight male, other times I feel like a gay woman. Both are extremely stressful. I'm sorry that you're struggling and I hope we can all get through this.
I’m a gay woman myself my cis OCD is often straight OCD too - telling me that because I’m attracted to women that makes me a straight man. Other times it’ll tell me that I’m a gay man, just effeminate rather than being a woman. Being in the discussion section on this app has helped by putting me into contact with people with gay & straight OCD, cis & trans OCD. Still, I wish I met other people with cis OCD more than occasionally - but it has helped. We *can* get through this, yeah. We will.
I have cis ocd too how to recover from it pls tell me
Moment of honesty here: I’ve been resisting compulsions pretty consistently the last day or so and I feel absolutely terrible. I’ve been doing ERP and I feel absolutely terrible. Plus my OCD is telling me that, since the things that the things I’m told will help me aren’t yet, I must actually be trans. Though it’s a slightly different kind of terrible. Of course this makes sense. With ERP you’re triggering yourself on purpose, and by refusing compulsions you’re cutting yourself off from the thing that would give you (very short term) relief. I just have to sit with the doubt, the uncertainty, the fear, the possibility, and try to accept it. The near constant anxiety, of always having that vague feeling of being on the verge of tears, or like I’ve been crying even though I haven’t. Of course I feel terrible. But it’s also hard not to be discouraged. Especially when I hear people say they felt some manner of relief from the start of therapy. I’m told that this will eventually subside, that I’ll feel normal again, but that feels like a very long way off, if it ever even comes.
I feel like I’ve lost my identity and I don’t even know who I am anymore. My OCD is saying I’m not a woman but I hate that. And I fear that it isn’t OCD, and that I just genuinely am trans or gender fluid or something. I just can’t accept that no matter how hard I try. All I want is to feel like myself again. Pronouns are a trigger for me and they’re literally EVERYWHERE. It’s just so difficult. In a way, I miss having harm OCD or existential OCD or even health OCD because atleast I was still me. But it isn’t fair to say that because as I was going through them, they were awful. The grass is always greener I guess. I’m just feeling a little bit hopeless and alone, because I don’t think ‘gender questioning’ is a very common theme.
I’m having a really, really hard day. I usually stick to being positive and giving advice on here, but I need to share right now. For reference, I have trans ocd. I decided to sign up and commit to this series of yoga classes not realizing that going to them was going to trigger me repeatedly, way beyond my current limits. There’s so much work on emotions and connecting to the body. And somehow my entire class ended up being women. I’ve been in a state of panic for two days now that I can’t seem to get out of. I’m convinced all of my OCD fears are more true than ever and I can’t seem to come up with anything, even a compulsion, to convince me otherwise. Ive been trying to sit in the uncertainty but the panic just. won’t. stop. I didn’t sleep last night. I’ve barely eaten in 2 days. This is basically flooding. What’s most upsetting is that I’ve been in therapy and was doing better. These set backs make it harder and harder to keep trying because they re-traumatize and sensitize me to all of my triggers. I’m committed to two months of these classes and paid for them. I want to push through. I want to be capable of this. I want to overcome each fear, but my body keeps responding with utter panic and terror. I don’t know how I can continue if my body just won’t let me. I’ve experienced many lows with OCD. I’m trying to keep perspective that none of them lasted forever and this can’t either. But I’m struggling to function at the moment. And all I want to do is give in to what my OCD is telling me: “you can’t connect to your body because you are trans and in denial. You want a flat chest and a penis and a beard. You don’t want breasts. You need to accept it. You need to transition and be the man you really are. You need to stop trying to be a woman because it’s fake. You need to surrender. You need to stop being such a baby. Deep down you know it’s true. Give in already. For anyone also experiencing trans ocd: my thoughts are with you. I know the pain of this is real and can destroy your life. I hope this gets easier. I wish I had a safe space to climb into and forget about everything for awhile. But you can’t escape your mind.
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