Another Reddit thread that I want to share with you all that I think is immensely helpful, especially for the ones that think they're just in denial and using HOCD as an excuse. Also for the record, I'm an actual homosexual female who has straight/bisexual OCD and I can verify that the OP is fully right. I couldn't have put it into words better myself. --- This is going to be in a heterosexual female’s POV, so it’s going to be slightly different from males, and the vice versa gay people who are afraid to be bisexual or straight. But the logic behind this is all the same. Also, this is not meant to be reassurance, but more of the knowledge that I’ve accumulated after having this experience which I wanted to put into words for a clearer understanding. If you want to remove this post it is totally fine. Gay people know they are gay since a young age. They feel attractions to the same sex, but they may try to hide it as they get older as they fear that their attractions might be wrong. But deep down, they know who they’re attracted to. Bisexual people also know that they’re attracted to both sexes. To gay and bisexual individuals, feeling attractions towards the same sex is very natural to them. And even though they might feel it’s wrong, they still can’t help but feel an attraction. They feel the need to hide a part of who they are, which is their sexual identity. To them, thoughts about the same sex are enjoyable and pleasurable, even though it might spark guilt, but the key difference between a HOCD sufferer and an actual gay or bisexual person is that they do not fear these thoughts. These thoughts for gays and bisexuals are ego-syntonic. Here is the definition of ego-syntonic from wikipedia: In psychoanalysis, egosyntonic refers to the behaviors, values, and feelings that are in harmony with or acceptable to the needs and goals of the ego, or consistent with one's ideal self-image. On the other hand, HOCD sufferers have ego-dystonic thoughts. Egodystonic (or ego alien[1]) is the opposite, referring to thoughts and behaviors (dreams, compulsions, desires, etc.) that are in conflict, or dissonant, with the needs and goals of the ego, or, further, in conflict with a person's ideal self-image. Let me clarify this part about morals and values part of pure obsessions. Gay and bisexuals may feel that it’s wrong to feel attractions, but those thoughts are acceptable to them because it’s their true feelings towards the same sex. It’s all about how you feel deep down inside. To HOCD sufferers, these thoughts are not pleasurable and causes them discomfort, disgust and fear. I feel that the main component of distinguishing the two is the fear. Why would you fear what you are attracted to? No matter how wrong and forbidden it is. I don’t know if you’ve ever been there, but it’s just like having “inappropriate” crushes. We know it’s wrong and forbidden to have feelings for them, but we can’t help it because we can’t help feeling attracted to them. So this is the case for gay and bisexual people. They might feel wrong and disgusted of themselves of feeling this way, but not disgusted at the thoughts themselves. And they do not fear those thoughts like HOCD sufferers do. Gay people, when questioning their identity, might feel like it’s always on their mind. However, they do not spend hours and hours ruminating and checking. They may constantly question themselves, but it is part of their conscious efforts to be questioning themselves. For HOCD sufferers, we get constantly bombarded with unwanted thoughts and images, and we try to avoid and fight them because we are fearful and disgusted by those thoughts, and then we get stuck in the thought patterns because the more we try to stop these thoughts, the more it stays on our mind. And then we ruminate on these thoughts and check to see if we are attracted to the same sex. So there is a difference between actually questioning one’s identity and having intrusive, obsessive unwanted thoughts and images that triggers compulsions. Gay people fear that they won’t be accepted by their family, friends and society. They don’t fear being gay. They might wish they were straight, but only because it is accepted in society. But overall, they still enjoy their same sex attractions. They are not afraid to be gay, they might just be ashamed to be gay and afraid of the rejection. HOCD sufferers fear that they might be gay. They start to panic that they might not be straight after all. It causes them negative feelings. Personally, I ended up crying when me, as a heterosexual female, can no longer be with men if I were to suddenly “turn” or “realise” that I am bisexual or lesbian. Because I desperately want to be with men, and I love being with men, it feels natural and it feels right for me. Losing that opportunity to be together with men and having to be with women, feels forced and not something I would want, which causes me to be upset and depressed. Even if I were bisexual, it wouldn’t stop me from being with men because it’s still attraction towards both sexes. But it seems like my HOCD is stopping me from being with men altogether. It’s so clear that you want to be with the opposite sex. Nonetheless, HOCD will still make you feel like you were somehow gay and need to start being with the same sex, which doesn’t bring happiness despite you being accepted by society, because that’s just not what you really want. When speaking of heteronormativity, it might force naturally gay people to have heterosexual attractions. Hence, they force themselves to date the opposite sex, sex and marriage. It feels like something that they must do, not what they want to. They might not mind going through the motions of it, but they do not enjoy it. I believe everyone is capable for caring and loving everyone, but in different ways. So they may love and care for the opposite sex platonically, but fail to habour romantic, sexual bonds and intimacy. And this is why eventually, people start coming out as gay and leave their opposite sex partners. For HOCD sufferers, we enjoy having relationships with the opposite sex. We are comfortable having emotional intimate bonds and sexual activities with the opposite sex. It is what we want and what fufils our desires. This is why crushes are so important to determining your sexual identity. It’s about how we feel towards each sex. Heterosexuals grow up naturally feeling attractions towards the opposite sex, developing crushes, which is the desire to be with someone special in the romantic and sexual sense, not just platonically. Homosexuals feel the same way, just towards the same sex instead. Bisexuals have it more fluid, hence it might be confusing, but nevertheless, they are fully aware that they like both sexes, even if they are at different times. They just feel that liking both genders are natural to them. But they never realize that they are also doing the same to us. With social media and influences, I wouldn’t say it’s a bad thing, especially if it’s helping actual gays and bisexuals come to terms with their sexuality and come out and feel accepted. But it has became a trend and some people even feel that it’s cool to be different in that sense. And they say that we straight people are homophobic when some of them also diss straight people, or saying gay is cool and straight is boring etc. And they are also trying to find ways to tell people to accept themselves, and although it is good to accept oneself, they can’t base their experiences off themselves and label someone else’s sexuality and tell them to accept themselves that they are gay unless they genuinely feel that and want to. When people talk about it’s not just a phase, I understand that those who have felt that it’s truly a part of them, well, it’s not a phase for them. But however, it might be a phase for some naturally curious individuals who wonder what it’s like, but it doesn’t reflect anything on their identities. Next, I want to talk about the difference between identity crushes and romantic crushes. As girls, I believe that we are more susceptible to comparison, especially with beauty standards. I am aware that some people who are confused about their identity may question if they want to be like her or be with her, and the bisexual or gays may end up saying that it’s both or mainly the latter. For straight people, it’s the former. We want to be like them. They’re our ideal types of how we want to be like, not our ideal types of who we want to be with. We want to be more feminine like them, prettier, curvier, more confident, popular etc. We admire them for the qualities they possess which we wish to mimic. However, we don’t desire anything more than that. For bisexuals and gays, perhaps they fantasize about kissing them, holding hands, loving them, having sex etc. And they feel natural about it. Back to the explanations at the front, they might feel bad about it but they don’t fear it the way HOCD sufferers do when we get struck by these kinds of thoughts which previously didn’t even occur to us pre-HOCD. Basically, we never thought of the same sex this way until HOCD struck. Whereas gays and bisexuals think about it since the beginning and again, feels natural. So side note here: it is normal to find the same sex attractive, without being attracted to them. The reason why we fear these attractions so much is because all our lives, we’ve been straight. We’ve been crushing on the opposite sex, enjoying relationships with the opposite sex, everything with the opposite sex. When we suddenly have thoughts about the same sex, we aren’t used to it. It doesn’t feel like us. Hence, it makes us fearful. What if I were to be attracted to so-and-so? Gay people don’t ask what if they were attracted to someone. They just naturally feel attracted to the same sex, and perhaps wonder why they feel this way. Also, sometimes, when relationships don’t go our way, we fear that maybe we weren’t meant to be straight. But I believe that I truly have not found the right guy yet. Just because you have had negative relationships with the opposite sex, doesn’t mean you’re going to become gay. Just because we are straight or gay, doesn’t mean that we are going to be compatible with everyone of the opposite or same sex. Just like we all have types, or at least, we don’t just feel attracted to just everyone so long as they’re of the same sex. My HOCD has made me believe that I’m attracted to all same sex people, of all ages, attractive or unattractive in my opinion. And therefore it doesn’t make any sense. Gay people don’t just like everyone of the same sex either. If you’re not suited with some people of the opposite sex, don’t worry, you’ll find the one someday. You won’t become gay just because someone’s not right for you. Now we’ll go on to porn habits. I know that many HOCD sufferers are triggered by porn. I realized porn at a very young age and they were solo videos of females, and they got me off. Not because I imagined having sex with them, but because I imagined having their bodies, which was my ideal body type to have, and feeling sexy like them, and seducing men. And that turned me on. Lesbian porn does not get me off, but I know many straight females who do get off to lesbian porn, because they relate to the pleasure way more because women understand women’s bodies better. Maybe they don’t like violence in heterosexual porn, but I do because I’m a submissive person. I heard that lesbian porn is more sensual. But other than that, I heard that women are easily aroused by all types of porn, gay or straight. But in real life, they are still attracted to men and want to be together with men. It’s natural to be curious when we were all younger, so even early childhood experiments does not signify anything, or say things we discovered on the internet, example, lesbian porn. It’s only more than curiosity if you feel compelled to take it further than just be curious. So the bicurious label is for those who actually want to experience more to see if they are straight or bisexual, but their curiosity is making them want to experiment further. If the curiosity never goes any further, you may just be sexually curious. For me personally, my fantasies are what we desire but can’t have. I have fantasies about men all the way, never women. But I can understand people who have same sex fantasies. Again, they might just be curious and wonder what it’s like. In our minds, we are free to explore anything and everything, which is amazing! But it doesn’t mean that we want to pursue it in real life. They say that sexuality is a spectrum, and rarely people are fully heterosexual or homosexual, but we still nonetheless, identify as heterosexual if we are mainly attracted towards the opposite sex, and homosexual if we are mainly attracted towards the same sex, and bisexual if the attraction towards both sexes are prominent enough, not necessarily equal, but prominent. In the end, it all boils down to yourself and your own happiness. You’re not forced to do anything against your will. It’s your thoughts that are forcing you to be something you’re not, something you don’t want to be, something that you fear. To me, labels are only important if you want to go out and pursue same sex relations, or if you feel attractions towards the same sex which feels like a part of you where you’ve hidden all your life. Then you come out. If you don’t like the same sex and don’t want to be with them, it should be as simple and straightforward as you’re just heterosexual. Being gay is not a choice but your actions are a choice. Just do whatever the heck makes you happy. Be with whoever you want to. If you’re straight, just be happy with the opposite sex. If you’re bisexual, be happy with both sexes. If you’re gay, be happy with the same sex. It’s just as simple as that! What’s the need for the constant troubling thoughts that does nothing but to haunt us and cause us immense anxiety and pain? There’s absolutely no need for that. You are not your thoughts. You are suffering from pure obsessions. You are not gay, nor bisexual. Your thoughts are not going to stop you from living the life the way you want to. You got to believe in that. I believe in you, that you can make it out of this mess. We are all in this together. I know that as sufferers, we still do tend to check and stuff. Please try your best not to. If you’re trying exposure therapy, it teaches you not to link with other’s experiences with your own. You don’t search things up only to confuse yourself even more. I know the thoughts are absolutely disturbing and hard to shake off, but please try your best to just accept these thoughts, so the mind eventually loses its natural fight-or-flight responses to your perceived dangers of your thoughts. If you don’t feed the thoughts, you don’t give them the power to control you any further and trigger you. It’s tough, there’s going to be relapses, but things will eventually get better. Credit: https://www.reddit.com/r/HOCD/comments/awq3r0/what_i_learnt_from_having_hocd_for_almost_a_year/