- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
Just had to say that the start of it made me more nervous. Bc after having hocd for so long, u r not disgusted anymore, just want to get through ur day. But yes, i guess gay ppl dont question it - they just wanna be with the same gender.
- Date posted
- 3y
Facts
- Date posted
- 5y
The thing is, I do actually worry a lot about what my friends and family would think. I spend time thinking about how I’d come out, and tell myself it’ll be fine. Which really fucks with my HOCD, because that’s exactly what gay people do, like you said. I’m scared my friends would think I like them. And all this just scares me MORE because I feel like it’s not HOCD :(
- Date posted
- 5y
Same.
- Date posted
- 5y
@confused writer I’m so scared right now. I really feel like I could be bisexual but I don’t know.
- Date posted
- 5y
@garden Sometimes i feel like a total lesbian. Sometimes like bi. Sometimes im just numb. We cab talk if u want
- Date posted
- 5y
@confused writer Yes please ? I just did a quiz and it said I’m more bi than straight. I’m freaking out. I’ve begun planning how I’d come out. But I’m also stressing a lot about what people would think, especially my friends. And I know a real bisexual would do the same. I’ve always liked guys but I’ve found boobs arousing my whole life too. I’ve been told that’s not abnormal though. But the other thing is the fact that I always worry I give off a ‘gay’ vibe and have to hide it. Sometimes I even lie to sound more straight! So what do you think? Do I sound bi?
- Date posted
- 5y
@garden Thats reassurance boo, we can talk somewhere. do u have ig or so? Where are u from?
- Date posted
- 5y
@garden I followed you
- Date posted
- 5y
@garden I don’t mean to give reassurance, but I can show you smth that explains that. If you want you can write to me.
- Date posted
- 5y
@Klau Sure! Thanks also
- Date posted
- 4y
@garden i feel that as well
- Date posted
- 4y
Hey @garden! Man... this describes me to a T! I think I struggle with ROCD & HOCD but there are still parts of my mind that make me think that I could just be in denial due to fears of coming out. Would this be something you’d be willing to talk more in depth with me about? I’m not necessarily looking for reassurance, (I don’t think lol) I think it would be helpful to hear it from someone who’s been aware of their ocd for longer and having similar thoughts. The thing is is I’ve known for awhile that I’m bi, but lately the idea of being with a woman has been more and more attractive. It’s been really difficult distinguishing between fear of being gay (I.e. how do I tell my parents & my boyfriend) and my intrusive thoughts about it.
- Date posted
- 4y
@RJ Sure let’s talk!
- Date posted
- 4y
@garden How would you feel about having a phone conversation? If not, over the app would be fine too!
- Date posted
- 4y
@RJ Ahhh I’m so sorry, you seem lovely, I’m just honestly quite shy and would prefer to do it over text / chat. If not on here though, we could do it on instagram or snap or Twitter or anything really? Your choice :)
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- 4y
@garden Oh hey @garden no worries at all! I totally understand... whatever is best for you works for me!! Ok lemme think about what questions I have 😅😂
- Date posted
- 4y
@RJ Okieeee!
- Date posted
- 2y
@confused writer Hey are you still active? And if you are am i able to talk to you about it all because im so confused
- Date posted
- 2y
@oliviaolivia I just read this post again out of the blue after feeling so good for a while and now It’s really triggered me! 😔
- Date posted
- 4y
i'm 13 and i have had these thoughts for just a couple months and something that constantly reassures me is that i'm not scared to come out to friends or family because deep down ik i don't have to. and ik that someone who acc was would worry about that.
- Date posted
- 4y
This helped but I’ve had it 4 years and it’s so convincing now and I am so horrified I really feel like I must be bisexual I was always straight my whole life but now I feel like this has turned me gay or bi I can’t get the thought of d*cks out of my mind and the worst part is I like pegging and obviously that makes this extra convincing and I can’t stop I just wanna be straight this is all I think about all day
- Date posted
- 4y
Hey! I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. What are your main compulsions?
- Date posted
- 4y
@garden Thanks for responding.. Honestly just imagining being f****d by a guy to make sure I don’t like it and then switching back to imagining it from a girl to make sure there’s a difference and now it’s become so normalized that I feel like it must be true, I’m horrified by the image and sensations but once or twice I remember even getting aroused by it but still horrified. And I also like make sure that I have ocd a lot by comparing to other people’s experiences, I try not to do checking of pictures of guys anymore but I used to do that a ton. I also have mental/physical rituals to try to get it out of my mind or prove to myself that I don’t like the thoughts (pacing, shaking my head etc.) I’m just so mad I feel like my identity was stolen from me and I’ll never get it back. But I’m convinced this can’t be just ocd, it must be more....
- Date posted
- 4y
@garden I’m sorry to vent on you i just am so convinced and I can’t escape from it and there’s nothing I can do I try to accept the presence of the thoughts but then I just think I’m accepting that I’ve become bi. this is such a nightmare I just want to wake up from if you have any advice that would be super helpful....
- Date posted
- 4y
@BRoyTheNatural Don’t be sorry! I’m here to help. Well it’s awesome that you know your compulsions because that’s the first step. I could reassure you right now but that wouldn’t get you anywhere. If you wanna be free of this the only way to do that is to cut compulsions and expose yourself to the fear! So next time you think of the images or thoughts, don’t stop it or reassure yourself. Just let them be there. Thoughts are just like clouds; they don’t have to MEAN anything. Let them pass by. OCD loves attacking our identity because there’s so many compulsions around it. The thing is, compulsions bring us relief. They make us feel good. And so it’s only inevitable that our brains will throw us more thoughts and fears to compulsively get rid of... because our brains want us to feel that relief! So you’ve gotta have to upper hand in NOT engaging with those compulsions. That’s the way to get better.
- Date posted
- 4y
@garden Thank you very much, im having a hard time not trying to get rid of an image :( idk what to do really it’s making me uncomfortable
- Date posted
- 4y
@BRoyTheNatural Don’t fight it!
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- 4y
@garden Have you ever been convinced that you don’t even have ocd and your fear is true, because I am right now
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- 4y
@BRoyTheNatural Absolutely! That’s very common with ocd I promise
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- 4y
@garden Do you have any advice for what to do when I see an attractive man
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- 4y
@BRoyTheNatural Let any thoughts flow through and try to not engage in any reassurance or avoidance
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- 4y
@garden So I had been doing really well the last 2 days but I just tried to do a self erp thing and it made me so anxious and convinced I’m gay is this normal or is it supposed to make you feel better
- Date posted
- 4y
@BRoyTheNatural ERP is meant to make us anxious. We are essentially triggering ourselves. Buttttttt the important thing is not trying to get RID of that anxiety. With ERP it only works if you don’t engage in compulsions. So that way you can show your brain that you’re capable of handing anxiety without compulsions. And through time, you’re less likely to get triggered
- Date posted
- 4y
@garden I don’t know if I did it right or not but I don’t think I did any compulsions it just made me really afraid cuz this guy is super attractive
- Date posted
- 4y
@BRoyTheNatural Okay well that’s a good start! To just allow yourself to feel it all
- Date posted
- 4y
@garden Hi, are you able to message me i really would like to talk to someone about my situation!
- Date posted
- 4y
@hocd123 I’m here what’s up!
- Date posted
- 4y
@garden How do I message you privately?
- Date posted
- 4y
@hocd123 Hmmm I’m not sure you can
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- 4y
@garden I'm just so confused 😔 i don't think I've ever been attracted to women (I am a woman) but now I can't figure it out! I think I have hocd, but what if I don't?! I'm terrified I can't figure it out 😔
- Date posted
- 4y
@hocd123 Sounds like you do have HOCD! It’s great at messing about our feelings like that
- Date posted
- 4y
@garden Does it mean you question everything? I've never even thought about being with a woman before. Occasionally seen woman on woman porn, but never thought I was gay because of it. And now when I watch a TV show about someone coming out I question everything
- Date posted
- 4y
@garden It all started because a friend of mine said "have you tried talking to women?" Because I haven't had a boyfriend, and I've not been able to stop thinking about it since then 😔
- Date posted
- 4y
@hocd123 I’m so sorry. Honestly everything you’re saying sounds very much like HOCD but I know that reassurance won’t help. Something that’s helped me has been just outright telling myself it’s true, and then moving on. Which can feel very scary, but it’s made me far less anxious.
- Date posted
- 4y
@garden Thank you! I think I need to just keep practicing letting go of thoughts,but its so much easier said than done 😔
- Date posted
- 4y
@hocd123 I agree. Letting go of thoughts sounds simple but it’s not. I have faith that you can let it be though, and I’m always here if you need me
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- 4y
@garden I’ve been doing pretty well for the last 2 weeks after a god awful 2 month stretch of hell and yesterday was the best day I’ve had in a long time but it’s all coming back today and I don’t know what to do I don’t want to fall back into that state of hell
- Date posted
- 4y
@BRoyTheNatural I think it can be really hard when we go from really good days to hard days. But it’s important to recognise that as humans, our emotions will always fluctuate. It’s okay to ‘fall back into that state of hell’ and in some ways, accepting the possibility of that fall makes it less likely to happen or be painful.
- Date posted
- 3y
@hocd123 Hey do you worry about masculine women or have felt false attraction
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- 2y
@BRoyTheNatural How’s it going now?
- Date posted
- 2y
@garden Hey are you still active? If you are are you willing to speak to me about it all because im very confused about myself
- Date posted
- 2y
Thank you for sharing this! 🥺
- Date posted
- 2y
Thank you for sharing this. I can see the OCD thought when I was reading the part about how some straight women prefer lesbian porn because it's less violent. Personally I really don't like violence and get scared of violent stuff or when someone yells at me I immediately start crying or get really anxious, so my brain started to link the two points and was like "you don't like violence does that mean you're lesbian or bi" eventhough I've always liked men and had crushes on guys and eventhough I might’ve kinda experimented with a friend in high school but I didn't like it (i moreso liked the attention she gave me - this girl was gay btw - but when she got close to me physically I remember moving back and feeling uncomfortable once when we took a picture together and she was really close to me).
- Date posted
- 4y
hi, i don’t know if op, you (f e n n a) is still active on here, but if u r, please reply! i’m a bit confused about this piece!
- Date posted
- 3y
God bless you, god bless you. Thank you for sharing this with me. May your God recompense you.
- Date posted
- 2y
Hey am I able to talk about this?
Related posts
- Date posted
- 20w
TW: SO-OCD. I have been a part of the NOCD community for around 4 years now. I am seeing more and more posts, but I am very rarely seeing people actually commenting, reposting and engaging back. I think I have always had obsessive thoughts, but never knew it was a thing until around 5 years ago. I believe my first theme was Harm OCD, when my little brother was first born in 2007. I used to scream at night as I was so worried he was going to be kidnapped, or he may d*e. I would avoid sleeping at friends house's, my dad's (as my parents had split) as I thought if I wasn't there to protect him then something bad would happen. My mum said she would wake up and I would be asleep net to his cot in the morning (I was only 10 at the time). Fast forward to 2017, where me and my high school boyfriend split up, I convinced myself I may be gay as I no longer wanted to have sex with him (almost found it a chore). I was 16/17. We split up and I lived my 'single' life. Spent my time dating males etc and then myself and my ex got back together in 2018. My intrusive thoughts took a turn for the worst in lockdown, when again may libido decreased significantly, and I didn't feel and ;urge' with my boyfriend sStill current partner). I remember one day, bursting into tears, had a panic attack and cried for hours with the most excruciating anxiety chest pains. I told him and my mum about my thoughts. They are both incredibly supportive and my mu actually told me that she had these thoughts too when she was round 19 and still does now (I also didn't know that COD can be inherited). After about 18 months of the worst mental health, significant weight loss, social thoughts and almost ending my relationship, I started to see light at the end of the tunnel. 2022, things started to get better. My partner and I were in the best place we could have EVER been! Sex life was AMAZING (quality of quantity I mean) and I honestly thought, this was the end. March 2024 I fell pregnant. Again, I had a great pregnancy, sec life was great, was so excited for our future. I have never been one to be bothered about marriage, but kept having this lovely vision of us getting married and our little girl walking down the aisle. Baby girls born in November 2024 and BAM, SO-OCD and ROCD have kicked in. I am now questioning my sexuality again, if I am in the right relationship, am I just 'settling'?, does he deserve me?, am I in denial?, what if we get married and then it turns out I am gay?, I don't want him to propose as I am scared etc. Just relentless every single day. I even question, if any of the conversations I have had with family and friends where they have related to me, were even real or if I made them up for my own comfort, so that I do't feel alone?! I am constantly reviewing past events, as I worry that I wanted to explore my sexuality in university, as I remember having an amazing friendship with a lesbian (who was, I am not afraid to admit, very 'handsome'), and we did flirt, as she did with everyone!! But we never took it any further, it never crossed my mind! I almost don't even get the 'anxiety/'sick' feeling anymore because I am SO used to the thoughts. I don't have an urge to act on my thoughts, but they are also no longer debilitating for me. I just feel exhausted with them. They are ALWAYS there. I have gone down the rabbit hole of avoiding meeting new women friends incase 'I find them attractive', if there is a same sex couple on a program I watch, I automatically avoid. I compare my relationship to others. I saw an insta reel yesterday of a women in her 30's that said 'when you're lay in bed with your husband, searching 'Am I Gay' questionnaires and you decide to divorce and follow your heart' and it was a page dedicated to her helping other mid life adults cope with coming out as gay! It really really really triggered me. I am just exhausted. If anybody else wants to share there story, comment below. It doesn't have to be the same sub types, but just an opportunity to vent!
- Date posted
- 16w
Hi, I'm new to this and it took me a long time to gather the courage to post, but I could really use some advice. This will be a long post because I don't know how not to overexplain, please bear with me. I'm yet to be diagnosed with anything, so I'm not sure if this is one of the ways OCD can present itself, but I'm really hoping it's just soocd and nothing else. I'm 22F, cis and straight all my life as far as I know, but back in April, in a particularly exhausting day, I had an intrusive thought about liking women after seeing some random post on twitter and I've been spiraling ever since, with thoughts and anxiety non-stop trying to figure out an answer. I've noticed that my thoughts have been obsessing over this in a loop, where I question if I'm a lesbian or bi (I really really don't want to be, though I have nothing against the lgbt community) > question if I'm aro/ace (also really don't want to be, I'd be super depressed if I were because that would stop me from living the life I've always dreamed of) > question if I'm simply afraid of getting in a relationship and why. It's this loop where I can't figure anything out, my brain feels like it's in the middle of a storm. Looking back, I think I might have had rocd in my last relationship because I kept messaging my boyfriend asking for reassurance if he loved me and wouldn't leave me, but the reassurance only lasted at best a day before the doubts came back and I felt the need to ask again, and this lasted for months if not years. Now I've never questioned my orientation, I just knew I was straight (always crushed on boys, craved their attention and love, male celebrities, male characters, always fantasized about having a husband and kids, never felt anything towards women that way, never considered them as partners) until this one intrusive thought caused me to spiral out of control and I've never been the same since. This in and of itself should be enough to prove to my brain that I'm straight and have always been, right? Logically it should, it makes no sense otherwise... But it's not enough, so I've been googling non-stop, been reading so many posts here that I relate to for reassurance, been reviewing my memories, ruminating all day and night, testing myself by looking at pictures of men and women to check for reactions (when I'm not avoiding looking at them altogether). Even when I feel that my mind is quieter, the anxiety is still there, and I keep trying to affirm what I've always believed to see if I still agree and it's like my body preemptively gets anxious expecting the thoughts to return and then uses that anxiety as evidence that the thoughts are true when I really don't want them to be... I guess all of these count as compulsions? It's bad to the point anything lgbt-related triggers me now when it never did before (I was always like "good for them, but that's not for me" towards any kind of lgbt content, I've never identified with the community nor do I want to be part of it still), I can barely get anything done, get out of the house, spend time with my friends, listen to music or watch movies, focus on what I need to do, eat, sleep or even just enjoy my hobbies. The anxiety is always there, my mind feels like it'll explode and I feel like my life will be over if I don't figure this out now so I can fix it. I think I've also been experiencing false attractions and loss of attraction, which is making all of this worse, because my mind is trying to find out why they're happening and using them as evidence that I'm one thing or another... I never had any feelings towards women before this all started but I'm so scared I might have now all of a sudden when I don't want to. It's exhausting, I just want to be able to live normally again. The what ifs don't stop: what if I find out I'm actually what my fears say I am? What if I'm one of those late bloomer lesbians? What if I'm in denial? What if I'm just saying I've always wanted men due to comphet? What if I actually never find out and I'll be ruminating over this my entire life and won't be able to live? What if I'm lying to myself? What if I've always been that and never known? What if others find out I'm having these thoughts? What if it's not OCD and I'm making excuses and this is all true? What if it's always been a subconscious desire and I didn't know? What if I have sex with a man and don't like it actually? What if I'm aro/ace and that means I'll never be able to have a family one day? What if I have no choice? What if that one memory where you enjoyed time with a female friend means you're gay actually? What if I'm never able to love a man ever again despite having been able to in the past? The idea of being with a woman is absolutely terrifying to me, I'm not at all comfortable with the idea of being a lesbian or bi or anything, while the idea of being with a man only causes me some anxiety but feels more right. I've had very few experiences with relationships, most were unfortunately long distance, and I'm currently single so I can't even gauge my attraction or feelings that way, but I'm so tempted to seek a relationship because of this to prove I'm still straight... I also have GAD and might have depression, so that may be contributing to all of this... I just feel like my life is over, I can't live like this. I can't handle my mind constantly looking for proof that I'm lesbian or bi, using the fact that I enjoy my mom's hugs or my female friends' company to say "see?? I was right and you're lesbian!!" when I never once in my life ever thought of women that way, I don't understand why this is happening 😭😭 And to make it worse, it's also latching onto the past and using it as proof that I must have always been a lesbian without knowing and it's making me feel like I actually wanted it, when at the time I never thought of it that way. Like, me enjoying the company of one of my best friends or sharing a common interest with her doesn't mean I'm gay?? Caring about my friends isn't gay?? Being a girl who likes girly things doesn't make me gay?? But the thoughts are always like "no you're lying, you're just in denial, you actually felt xyz back then that's why you wanted her company" or "are you sure?". The thoughts also latch on the fact that I find incel, gooner and misogynistic behavior disgusting (which might be poisoning my opinion about men as well even though I don't want it to 😭), and they tell me I'm a lesbian because of it, which only makes me more depressed. But no matter how much I try to argue, it's never enough, the doubts are always there and it's making me have so many panic attacks they wake me up at night and don't let me rest. I'm so scared of accepting the thoughts because I fear that accepting them will make me actually a lesbian when I really don't want to be (and I keep claiming I don't want to be and my mind keeps throwing the "are you sure? you're not sure" around, it never ends 😭). It feels so real, I'm so scared. I'll add this as well because I feel is relevant, but these thoughts/spirals have also tried latching onto my religious beliefs (I have none, but they tried to convince me I did after I saw a post on social media) and onto my gender identity (they tried convincing me I wanted to be a trans man, when in fact I've always wanted to look more feminine, because I'm so thin I barely have boobs and it's always been a huge source of insecurity for me). These, however, haven't returned, unlike the spirals about my sexual orientation and mainly about being lesbian/bi. I think I may have had at best a week free from this obsession, and even when I'm distracted I feel like they're always somewhere near my mind just waiting to snatch it from me again. If I manage to calm down, my mind will also use that against me, saying stuff like "see, you're calm now, which means you've accepted you're a lesbian!!" and I get all depressed and anxious again and want to cry but can't because I'm so tired. I just don't want that to be true, I want my normal life back 😭 I know I shouldn't ask for reassurance, but I can't calm down. My life has been a living hell ever since this started, I feel unable to live, I just want to go back to how I was before all of this started. Is this HOCD/SOOCD at all? Can anyone else relate to this? Please tell me I'm not alone on these experiences, that I'm not what these thoughts claim... My mind is so close to fully convincing me that I am what they say and it's making me so depressed and anxious 😭😭 and it feels so real, like I'm already what they say I am and I'm chasing something that's no longer there. I'm so scared. I don't want to accept any possibility, I don't want to explore or "figure it out", I just want to be secure with my straight orientation again as I've always been, but there seems to be so much evidence of the contrary and I can't live with that possibility. How could I become a lesbian in the span of a few months when I never wanted that?? 😭 I'm so depressed, I miss crushing on men and wanting a husband and kids, I'm tired of arguing with my mind non-stop. I feel like I've been so full of doubts that I can barely affirm my favorite color, I can't remember what's like to be free from this madness, it's like from one moment to another I lost myself amidst this chaos and no longer know the stuff I've always known about myself. How do I go back to how I was before? How do I stop this without changing to be something I don't want? How do I get rid of these doubts that aren't supposed to mean anything but are scaring the shit out of me because what if they're true and I'm one of those cases where I'll become the sexuality I fear? I cannot bear the thought. It's been nightmarish 😭😭
- Date posted
- 13w
Hey everyone, I’m reaching out because I’ve been going through one of the hardest mental spirals of my life, and I’m hoping someone can relate or shed light on what’s happening to me. About 4 months ago, I accidentally came across a trans porn scene. It didn’t do much at the time, but later it triggered this overwhelming intrusive thought: “What if I’m gay?” Since then, it’s been absolute hell. I’ve always been into women—emotionally, sexually, everything. I’ve been in a long-term relationship with a girl I love deeply. But after that moment, my brain started spiraling into nonstop analysis. I began checking how I felt around men, whether I felt attraction, whether I was in denial, whether I was lying to myself. Literally everything became a test. I got stuck in this loop: • A thought pops in → panic • Try to solve it → brief relief • Another thought → worse panic • Repeat. At times, it got so bad I couldn’t feel anything at all—toward my girlfriend, toward women, toward myself. I started doubting everything. Some days, I feel emotionally flat, like I’ve lost my personality. Other days, I wake up with a full-body jolt of “truth” like “I’m definitely gay”—only for it to fade into numbness again. I’ve also noticed that I get short bursts of peace when I stop reacting, but then the fear comes back louder, like “See? Now you’re accepting it. That means it’s true.” Therapy hasn’t helped much so far—it felt more like general counseling. They told me to sit with the thoughts, but didn’t clarify if this was OCD, identity questioning, or trauma. That just made it worse because now I’m back to thinking “What if I’m just rejecting my truth?” I’m exhausted. I’ve lost connection to everything I used to love. • I want to love my girl again the way I used to • I want to feel desire without overthinking • I want to trust myself again I’m not looking for reassurance—I just want to know if anyone else has gone through something like this, and if this sounds like HOCD or identity OCD. Thanks for reading.
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