Im really involved with my church and I ya youth ministry. Something I am doing is researching and looking into the Bible and what is says about the LGBTQ+ community. Personally, I don’t think there is anything wrong with same sex attraction it marriage. I’m not one of those people who says “I don’t support same sex marriage but I still love you” no I support all of it. I struggle with HOCD, and it used to be very very very bad, but then I got treatment and after intense ERP I was able I get a bit of my life back. I was able to like boys without worrying that I secretly liked girls and didn’t know it. Of course I still struggle from time to time, but not as much as I used to. Doing this research is kind of triggering, but it’s important to do because I want to make an argument that LGBTQ+ marriage and rights is ok and there is nothing wrong with this community. But I was doing some research online, I searched “what’s does the Bible say about being LGBTQ+” and I clicked on a website that said it talked about the Bible, but then it randomly took me to a sight that was for gay men to find other gay men and it had random pictures with men holding there penis’s out and such. Even though I am 17, I have never really exposed myself to stuff like that especially since I’m saving my first time for my husband. But then when I realized I wasn’t attracted or aroused by those unwanted and sudden images, I began to freak out. I started getting that feeling in my stomach that I had when I first got HOCD. When I was about 11 or 12, I was exposed to lesbian porn and was aroused by it (this only lasted for about 1 or 2 months and then I stopped because if felt icky to do it. Also I didn’t masturbate or anything I just watched it and was a roused). Even as a young girl I knew I liked guys and wanted to marry a guy one day, I mean I was boy crazy. And despite being aroused by that lesbian porn stuff, it didn’t make me doubt I was straight. But then when I was like 15 or 16 the HOCD started and that stuff came back to nip me in the butt and I constantly worried that because of the porn stuff that meant I was attracted to woman and was just in denial about it. Which made me feel sick because I didn’t want to date a girl because the idea of doing that didn’t feel right to me. But now because of what happened with the website leading me to that gay dating site thing, and I wasn’t aroused or attracted to the stuff I saw, my HOCD I starting to freak me out again. I know I’m attracted to guys, all I ever think about is having a boyfriend and getting married, I’m kind of a hopeless romantic. But because of all that stuff in the past and then what happened today does that mean I’m actually gay and just in denial of it? My worst fear is that either I will have my first kiss with a guy and then realize I’m gay, or one day a random woman will just come into my life and I will realize I am gay and want to be with her. This really sucks and I’m scared because within seconds now I feel like I’m back at squarer one after battling this OCD stuff head on for 2 years :(