"First pOCD story + false memories" [Trigger warnings] pOCD, false memories, self-harm *Introduction:* this is the earliest story I remember I have dealt with pocd - I don't remember how it all started. It causes me panic, sleepless nights, suicidal ideation and motive to cut myself. *basic information:* female, 20s, I identify as demisexual panromantic (you can think of myself as bi), in therapy with a non-ocd specialist but diagnosed with it by 2 different psicologists since November 2019 (though I haven't had therapy since February due to the virus), I suffer from pOCD since early-mid 2017. My OCD exploded into major proportions in July 2019 - - - × - - - Like I've mentioned before, this is one of the first events (or the very first) that made me wonder if I was a "p". Summer 2017, I went to a friend's house and I met her younger sister (8, at the time). She was very sweet, pretty, adorable and I liked her so much! She showed me her toys and she was always around me... But in that moment, I feared I felt some sort of romantic attraction to her... Sometimes I get on the verge of tears because it was so strong... - this felt like attraction. As I'm recalling the day, I'm remembering the warm feeling I experienced (like I was developing a crush). I spent the whole day panicking internally, wondering If I was "p" and if I was attracted to her - I tried to dismiss the thoughts believing my head was trying to fool me so I still enjoyed the day and tried to fight those thoughts by engaging with her and playing with her, despite the fear I felt. I've always wanted a little sister and one day (at that time), I wanted to have a daughter someday. Later that day, we went to the pool and I played with her again and even gave her piggyback rides and grabbed her and thrown her into the water (like I used to do with my brother). This where my false memories begin. (which will later be explained) After the day was over, I regreted playing with the child, thinking that, if I was a "p", I shouldn't had... That "p" people want to play with children and touch them... (like the piggyback) and I was so afraid the parents didn't like my actions. - - - - × - - - - - **FALSE MEMORIES** (due to my OCD and constant worrying, my brain became fried and the wrong portions of the memory are broken and make me wonder what I did) December 2019, I put the idea on my head that I have "hurt" a child on the past. And this is the only story I have where I interacted with a child. While I gave her the piggyback ride, I don't remember where I placed my hands: under her legs (the **right** way - like this: https://www.123rf.com/photo_28650454_man-giving-piggyback-ride-to-his-girlfriend-isolated-on-white-background.html) or under her butt (the **wrong** way: https://www.yayimages.com/7090938/mother-giving-son-piggyback-ride.html). For this reason, I am absolutely terrified that I placed my hands on her butt with evil intentions. Part of me believes this "memory" is false because I have never done anything inappropriate (that I remember); my piggyback rides are always the right way (but I I also vaguely remember pondering that I obviously had to hold her correctly); for the longest time I had a "clear" conscious (which means that I thought I didn't do anything wrong except wondering if I was attracted to her); I don't remember having evil intentions. But my mind... It doubts everything... It's tiring. My logical side vs OCD 1. - Me: I don't remember placing my hands under her bottom - OCD: but i don't remember where I placed my hands. 2. - Me: but I don't remember having bad intentions - OCD: just because I don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen. Plus, I pondered about how I should place my hands. - me: ok but I vaguely remember that I told myself that I obviously had and wanted to hold her the "right" way. 3. - me: I never did anything inappropriate to anyone before nor ever wanted to. I don't get pleasure for touching people without their consent. And even when I touch affectionately (non-sexually) people with consent (like hugs and touching the hair), I never got sexual gratification! I was happy for making others happy - ocd: there's always a first time and if I'm a "p", I only want to touch children. 4. - me: but I'm not capable of hurting anyone!! - ocd: but I have done that in the past! You may have never hurt anyone physically/sexually but there's always a first time for everything. 5. - OCD: I felt pretty guilty about that day... Maybe I did something bad... And I don't remember what happened... - me:... I think I felt guilty because I thought I was a "p" and that I shouldnt had interacted with her, specially the piggyback! - OCD: but you aren't sure though! 6. - me: I was worried about having a romantic attraction NOT a sexual attraction! - ocd: ok but since I started masturb-, I've changed... I started thinking about s-x a lot. Am I certain I didn't wonder if i were sexually attracted? - me: oh... Yeah... Now that you mention, I'm not sure. 7. - me: I don't even like butts!! - ocd: are you sure?? The other day I thought that naked lady on tv had a pretty butt! - me: but I don't want to touch it!! Nor I enjoy seeing people naked. It's uncomfortable! And this happened 3 years ago! I'm almost sure I hated butts back then too! - ocd: am I sure?? 8. - me: but she liked me so much!! And my friend reassured me that I didn't do anything wrong that day. - ocd: maybe the child didn't notice! Maybe my friend doesn't remember either! And so on and on... I also don't think I felt arousal or any groinal response. (my therapist asked me this) But I can't be sure. My memories of that day are very blurred. I've shared this story with my therapist and she told me that the reason for this fear is because I was mentally sexually abused by a family member and I'm terrified of doing to others what people have done to me. (and I always hated being touched in the butt) plus, according to her, due to the lack of affection on my childhood, I can't tell the difference between affection and attraction. and when I started masturb-, I made a bigger mess in my head. I'm so afraid to be in denial as well... Like this is all a lie I'm telling myself... I don't know what to think anymore. I remember enjoying her company and wanting to spend more time around her... But I'm so scared that I had bad intentions, because "p" people want to be around children. I feel like there was more than "having a child/sister for a day" because of my strong feelings for this girl. (I also want to add that I never was alone with this child) At the end of the day, I remember feeling guilty for fighting those thoughts… because I was afraid that I did something inappropriate that I didn't notice. I regretted this whole day. When I went back to her house, I avoided the child at all costs. I also would like to add that, thinking back about this event, I felt so disgusting and so evil… To be honest, I've always felt that way. Whenever I am insert in friendly social interactions, I feel like a monster, like I don't belong there. And that day was no exception but these these "evil" feelings were a lot bigger because of my thoughts and I honestly felt like a "p". Does it make sense? I felt so disgusting because I felt like one. I felt like a pervert… I felt dirty. This distress of thinking that my actions or conversations might have been inappropriate led me to crying, cutting myself and suicidal ideation. What keeps me sane is that the child said that she liked me to her mom and a month ago I asked my friend if I had done anything wrong that day (I didn't specify what) and she said "no, that I am never inappropriate". Me and the child were never alone too, my two friends were always around. The past 2 months, Ive been getting some Closure about the false memory and I told myself that I would never do that. Not today and not in the past because I was never like that. I never wanted to touch anyone inappropriately. But sometimes this fear returns and I'm so tired to deal with it. Two months ago, I created a swarm of new false memories where I had played with her hair / put her on my lap / gave her kisses... And I'm getting a lot of (what I hope it is) false images where I can imagine that and they feel like memories... Update! (June 25th, 2020) this will sound stupid but I tried to recreate a scene with my teddy bear which is big enough to give a piggyback ride the "wrong way" (hands under the butt) and it's so possible this false memory is true... Now I'm afraid that I may caressed it too! I want to cry because I don't remember what happened!! This is gross, but I groped my own butt to see if I've done it to the child in the past and I don't remember plus, I don't know how to grope someone but the experience with the teddy bear put my hand in a "good" position to grope someone... I'm almost sure I didn't do it because I don't remember but It feels like a deja-vu, does it make sense? I have a feeling that I did it, despite me not remembering it. That's what is making me going insane. Update! (June 26th, 2020) During this entire day, I don't think I was ever alone with the child but it crossed my mind that I could have forgotten it! After the pool me and my friends (including her sister) went to the child's bedroom where she showed me her beautiful drawings (she drew really well!). Like I said I don't think I was ever alone with her and I believed that after she showed us (me) her drawings, me and my friends went back to my friend's bedroom (I know it's a bit confusing) Suddenly, tonight, I remembered that my friends were bored about listening to the kid talking about those drawings..."what if they left?" I thought... I don't remember being alone with her and I'm afraid to ask my friend what happened... But it's possible I stayed alone because my friends were bored (though again, I don't have recollection of it) I'm panicking because maybe we got alone together and I did something wrong to her and I can't remember.. I feel terrible and shitty... I want to throw up!! I don't know what to do! What if this really happened?? Do I deserve to be happy or to kill myself?? I just- I'm still ao worried about this. I woke up in the middle of the night worrying about this. And then I slept for 10 hours so I didn't have to deal with this.