"Question about pocd false memories" TW: pocd, false memories (23, F) Can they get much worse if you ruminate on them?? I found a document. An old document where I wrote my worries and real life events that I thought were meaningful for a diagnosis to whether I had a pocd or not. For those who know me, you know I've been struggling with a bad false memory about groping a child's butt while giving her a piggyback ride. Today it got much worse....... During that day, after the pool, she showed me her drawings and for some reason, I started to wonder if I got alone with the child during this time (I don't remember that. I think my friends were there the whole time But I also can't be sure because I don't remember leaving the room with them so I'm scared) and if I sexually assaulted her! I even got fuzzy images about it! What is wrong with me!! I know this is fake but I'm so anxious about it!! I just want to contact my friends and ask them if we were together the entire day but I'm afraid of what they'll think and I already asked so many questions about that day! But this child loved me! She thought I was sweet and fun!! She wouldn't have liked me if I had "hurt" her right?? I'm so desperate because I knew that if I continued to ruminate on this bullshit memory, I'd get burned but the other times I had false memories, I overcomed them by ruminate them and "attack" them with logic, If it makes sense!! I know I didn't do this! I'd remember! But I don't remember... I just have stupid images in my head. In the original document from like September or early October, I have wrote a little about this because at the time I didn't think this event was so important, except on the fact that it was the first time I had pocd thoughts. I will quote what I wrote back then: *"I remember one of the earliest events that made me scared was with a friend's sister... (I was almost 21) She was 8 (I think) and she was very sweet I just had weird thoughts. It weren't even images or anything! It was just... "am I p? Am I attracted to her?" I felt so bad but I tried to dismiss the thoughts... And have fun... I even played with her and talked with her! I always wanted to have a sister so this was like a opportunity to have a sister for a day... I now feel bad for playing with her but it wasnt to do anything weird. I truly tried to dismiss my thoughts and I felt bad through the entire day... But I wanted to actually fight them and do just innocent things with her. We played at the pool... And she showed me her toys and drawings... Like if she were my sister... I know this may sound weird but I promise I had the most innocent reasons... I would never do something that could harm a child."* I don't even mention the piggyback ride! (maybe I don't think it was important at the time and FYI the piggyback ride did happen! But the groping, I don't think so) I need help??? Or else I will kill myself. Im tired of this shit.