So here is my story . I've always been weird regarding the way I thought. Thinking that if I did a certain action then a certain outcome( whether it's tapping my foot as I leave my room or doing a certain action) I would do these , daily thinking that I couldnt start my day without them. I've also have always been an Overthinker and have been prone to anxiety since I was young. I've always thought that this was a normal thing I would do ( I had religious themes that were terrifying when I was around 11) So I feel like I've always had OCD but just never diagnosed . During Middleschool I identified as Pansexual because all of my friends were bi. And the dumb middleschooler in me was all like , " I wanna be like everyone else too!" And so I did. Even though throughout the whole thing I only ever had boy crushes. I even played Otome games(Games targeted towards females , they're kind of like dating games where you end up with a guy) So entering highschool I realized that I was straight and only wanted to be with guys. So I ended up doing what any Highschooler did and started dating , having crushes and the whole thing. I would make sure I look nice for a guy, flirt and everything. But last year due to a stream of bad luck regarding dating , I fell into this weird pit of anxiety, of me ending up alone in the future. ( My dream was to get married and have children) and then suddenly the thought came back again , the HOCD hit me like a wave. I had every symptom in the book, the rumination, false memories, the feeling of dread, the gronials,google searching,loss of attraction, force myself to watch porn,I would just go about through my day like basically a zombie and I couldn't eat without puking, till the point where I had to go to the doctor. But as weird as it started it disappeared as soon as school started. Heck , I even started dating again and I had been talking to this guy who really liked me and I liked and we eventually started going out. Heck, when he kissed me it felt so right and amazing. His scent would be on my clothes and everything and I would get so excited and I would miss him a lot. But that all shattered once well, his parents got involved and flatly told him that they wanted him to break things off with me because they didn't want the friendship him and my dad had to just break off. So in concern of his parents and my dad , I broke things off which utterly broke me. I felt like a zombie throughout that whole thing. It was horrible. And that's when HOCD started to come back once more and haunt me,but differently this time. I didn't have the google searching, or the intense feeling of anxiety, I have a little bit of my attraction, but the rumination remains and the gronials too.My brain also always tries to tell me that whenever I feel attracted to a guy that it's fake and that I'm forcing myself to do it. It tells me different things like ",oh you have to do this, you'll feel better once you try it and worse of all my brain keeps reminding me of my middleschool years. But it's significantly less harsh than it was , I hate the fact that I'm going through this because it feels like, I'm going to never be happy with a guy ever. Or my brain is trying to convince me that I'm forcing my feelings that I don't truly feel this way for him. I feel so lost , numb, I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. :(