I'm so sorry... But Is it possible to think that you may have done something wrong even if you don't remember? (child abuse is what scares me right now)

Here's the link to the real event I'm speaking of. https://www.reddit.com/r/OCD/comments/hfqj9x/pocd_my_first_pocd_story_false_memories/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share And recently, because I had a few problems in my life, I stopped taking my meds and my ruminations got super horrible. So I had the stupid thought that the child mentioned in the post sat on my lap on the pool (I'm not sure it happened) and that I touched her... Well... "down there". I really don't remember anything and I so want to ask my friends if they remember me holding her in my lap.

I apologize for the late reply. This isn't my first rodeo with false memories. And I told everything to my former therapist. But I haven't had therapy since late February. At the time, I thought I had groped the butt of this one child I'm obsessed over. I was so fearful I had caused her harm. She told me 2 things. 1. If I wasn't sure, it didn't happen. 2. I was afraid of doing to others what others did to me. To one point she was eight. I was groped in the butt twice and almost a third time if I had been slower to predict a guy's movements. The therapist proved to be "too much". She would get angry at me and in my mind, she was tired of me. I stopped going. Therapy in my country sucks and my parents are very unsupportive. But after that, my false memories got worse. Much worse. My false memory is that this child, the same child, sat on my lap in the pool (I don't know if this even happened or not) and I caressed down there. This is child abuse. And I don't want to forgive myself. I will commi suicide next month. I'm too tired of dealing with this crap

I was 20 almost 21 when this supposedly happened. So I wasn't a child. It was 3 years ago and I am so obsessed over this event... This child liked me... I know it for sure. I have actual proof of it from a text message from her sister (who is my friend). She was also a witness in the pool. She was there alongside another friend of ours. I also heard her mom telling my mom how much she loved me. That I was super sweet and fun. I'm still afraid though.... Of these images in my head. I don't want to be someone who traumatizes others, since I was mentally abused by family members. I don't want to be that person. I'm so afraid because I don't remember much of that day

I'm really sorry you went through the same as me. Feeling hopelessness brings out the despair in us. Yes. So this event happened exactly 3 years ago, only last year, exactly one year I started giving more importance to events that concern pocd. And in November/December its when the false memories about this have started. It began with groping and it developed into actual abuse. I don't know what is like not to have ocd. All my life I was concerned if I had been annoying or rude... And it made me feel like a monster. That's why I avoid social interactions as much as possible. I'm really sorry for what happened to you. But you do deserve forgiveness. You didn't hurt your dog and I know you care about him. I've heard tons of stories of people that did the exact same as you. You deserve to move on. And I get your fear that if other people knew, they'd hate you. My friends, the same witnesses for that event, know that I have ocd, but not pocd in specific. I'm afraid they'll hate me and look at the pool incident and think I was a predator or vicious even if I didn't do anything wrong. I'm scared... I don't want to be one to harm a child, to traumatize one. I don't want to have done anything wrong that made her uncomfortable. I'm genuinely afraid. I can't sleep well. I can't eat well. I can't live properly. I ruminate over and over to see if there's any proof I did something bad. The only things keeping me sane is that I had 2 witnesses the entire time (i think I was never alone with her) and that she liked me (I think an 8 y. o. would already have some conscience about boundaries, I hope...)

I'm so sorry... False memories are the worse... You feel so insecure! You just want to figure out what happened. (sighs) I'm really, really sorry.

No, but it happened 3 years ago. And I'm very scared I did something wrong

I'm just really afraid I did it. I have fuzzy images and I can't tell if they are true or not. Honestly, it'd be strange rememberjng this 3 years after it happened but... Gosh. I don't know. There's times I know I didn't do it because I know I've never touched anyone inappropriately on purpose (it already happened on accident and it was with my brother 2 years ago, I think? And I felt shitty for it) I just want to know because I need to figure out if I kill myself or not.

@myocdstory No you should not kill yourself OCD makes you feel that way and I know how awful it is. Its mental torture everyday but you deserve to live. I think you need to do what I have done and get help. Therapists will not judge you and you will feel a lot better being open with someone who can help you with this awful illness.

@S ✝️ That's the nicest message I've ever received... Thank you... ❤️

@b2192 I've done that. This false memory is fairly recent. (One week perhaps?) so I didn't got the chance to share it with a therapist. I've showed multiple, ugly false memories to 2 therapists. One of which very similar to this one but with my dog instead. Their answer? If you aren't sure, they arent real. >< to me, it wasn't enough. I needed to talk more about this! And they just would dismiss me. I don't know if this helps but my second therapist believes that I was abused as a child... I personally don't remember anything but a few gross words thrown at me. She says that I'm afraid of doing things that have been done to me. Sorry, I'm rambling.

@S ✝️ But... What I "supposedly" did was wrong! Don't I deserve to go to jail? That's what I'm worried about. If I touched (or caressed - I'm not sure which is the right word. I'm so sorry. English is my second language) inappropriately, it's against the law... And these types of crimes are ones that I don't accept!

@S ✝️ Your message made my day.... Thank you... I've been bombarded with news about child abuse and it has been so triggering. Today alone, was like 5 or 6 and it's damaging my mental health. I don't know if this is normal in ocd but everytime I hear a r-pe story, I wonder if I ever did the same. And that child is the only possibility that I could have done that because I don't interact with children. I remember very little and I came up with the worse possible scenarios for the parts I lack memory of. It's like thinking I've robbed a bank just because I don't remember what I did last week. Weird analogy, I know. But you get my point. I truly don't remember any physical contact but the piggyback ride in the pool. But Im afraid I did something more because I don't remember every second of it.

Yeah... I know... I just can't help it. I want to get help but I can't rely on my parents. I'm pretending I'm ok. It sucks. I need a credit card to have online therapy.