Confused if I am settling with my boyfriend because of my abandonment issues and hatred of being single and alone, or if it’s my ocd making me overthink? I do wonder if I can put up with certain issues sometimes. like the fact he shares dogs with his awful ex - but I had to give my cats to my mother as he asked me to move in but doesn’t want them there too? I feel like I have a hole in my heart now and I resent his dogs. It’s been nearly 7 months and I miss them dearly even though I know they’re spoiled rotten ? He met me when I had them, asked me to move in, then during lockdown developed a drink problem and kept being verbally abusive and telling me to “get the fuck out” etc. Thankfully I still had my flat and after months of it I left which made him wake up and get help. He’s doing well now and very ashamed of himself and very sweet again. I still don’t intend to give up my flat yet but I also feel I can’t stay in it alone either. I’m terribly afraid of being single and I worry he will dump me if I don’t spend more time with him again? Ocd or real life? Can’t tell anymore. Don’t know whether to get my cats back and stay in my flat and not bother moving to his officially now

ICanGetThrou...

Date posted: 5y

You should do what makes you happy. If it were me personally, I would want to have my pets with me and if he couldn’t get on board with that that’s his problem. He shouldn’t expect you to just give them up when he wouldn’t his own pets. Also, if you did decide to stay in your own place - you could always get a roommate or have friends over often. Plus you’d never technically be alone because you would have your fur babies! At the end of the day you should do what is best for you and your happiness.

uwotm8

Date posted: 5y

Yeah I know but I worry I’m never gonna find anyone else, I’m terrified of being single and no one wanting me, I don’t wanna start the dating process all over again people are VILE I was treated like dirt by people before him (by strangers when you get to know them etc) I can’t stomach the idea of starting again and what if I leave it all too late and miss my chance of pregnancy or whatever? I’m not ready to have kids yet but I’m 27 so I don’t have much time either? But I don’t know if it’s a good idea with him either st the moment Can’t tell if it’s ocd or gut feeling

ICanGetThrou...

Date posted: 5y

This is OCD. You are still young and your life could be somewhere completely different 5 years from now. Don’t settle for something where you have to give up things you love, that’s not fair to yourself. You also have to keep in mind, what if he doesn’t have his drinking under control? What if he starts that again and is verbally abusive again? That’s not a good environment for you or a child. You deserve to be 100% happy and fully loved. Someone who truly loves you not make you ditch your pets or put you in an abusive situation.

uwotm8

Date posted: 5y

That’s what I mean I don’t know if it’s ocd or not! He regularly brings up going to get his “pooches” too and walks them meaning he has to see his ex to walk them, which fucking annoys the shit out of me because I resent that he says stuff like “for as long as they’re alive I will NEVER stop having my doggies” and I’m just like oh fuck off my cats fucking LIVED with me but you had split with your bitch ex who they live with but I still have to not have them here? He owns a business with her so he sees the dogs every day anyway but he refuses to stop having them at his house too, but also won’t let me have cats there. Also it would be extremely dangerous even if he DID say they can come live with me again because if he refuses to stop having his goddamn “pooches” there too they would absolutely kill my cats because the breed is designed to kill smaller animals. He doesn’t think it’s a fair compromise that he already sees them everyday at work and walks them every day. His arguement is “I didn’t ask you to give them up you can still see them anyway at your mothers whenever you want” except she lives an hour from his house and I would have to make a point of seeing them, whereas he sees his fucking ugly dogs just by walking to his work which is literally a 3 minute walk from his house. His ex treats the dogs like kids too because she’s a barren bitch and never had any with him. So that also gets oh my nerves because they swap them over when she wants to have her free time to shag a married man. Honestly I’m so angry

ICanGetThrou...

Date posted: 5y

I’m sorry you are going though this. You have to choose what’s more important to you. For me, after reading all of that I would have gone my own way. There are to many people on this planet to have to compromise so much and not be fully happy. I was in a similar situation in the past.. The guys dog actually bit his own cat in the neck where he had sever puncture wounds but healed okay but now the cat doesn’t work well with dogs anymore. The dog later bit him the owner in the throat and he finally understood why I did not want the dog around me or my pets (I have two cats) and he ended up giving the dog away because he was dangerous for a family or other pets. He gave him to a trainer who did not have other pets or kids, lived alone. It sounds like this guy is still really involved with his ex and if they share a business it’s never going to change. He’s being incredibly selfish in regards to pets. You have the same argument he does - if you can visit your babies at your moms then he can vistit his as his business. And if he cant compromise at all - you’ll have to choose your cats and what you want or him. I know what I would choose because I already did, I chose my safety and my cats.. and as time progresssed so did he.

uwotm8

Date posted: 5y

The thing that puts me off is men are rarely good at being boyfriends - he’s treated me the best by far My previous ex abandoned me after ten years with no warning. No new place to go to, just fucked me on the Thursday and dumped me on the Friday. He was never interested in doing anything with me, never wanted to go anywhere etc, the first holiday we had was his “make or break holiday” but I knew nothing of it. Then I had an emotionally abusive bf for 5 months who tried to control what I wore and called me a whore etc and threatened to kill him self when I finally ended it after 5 attempts and him refusing the breakups I wanted Then I had really bad dates being ghosted, used, talked to like shit etc confusing head games and then we met He’s lovely, funny we have the same interests and he’s always planning nice things to do together. We already went on two holidays in the first year and he’s really thoughtful. But the downside is his interfering ex and the fact I can’t have my cats too I feel like I’m risking losing him for something much much worse

ICanGetThrou...

Date posted: 5y

I am sorry to hear this was your previous experiences. But not all men are like this. I was in an abusive relationship before and it was so toxic, I didn’t respect myself at all. But I left, picked myself back up, and then I met the nicest guy and couldn’t be happier. He is helpful with my OCD and tries to understand and encourage me to get better. We are building a future together and are trying to buy a house soon and start our own family. 5 years ago I felt the same way you do now, but ALOT can change... you just have to take control and go for what you really want. You must treat yourself with respect and make sure your needs are met too. Having pets shouldn’t make or break a relationship. If he really cares about you, he will realize what the cats mean to you and will want you to be happy. At the end of the day, it’s your decision on if you want to try to make it work or just move on. But keep in mind, there could be a nice guy waiting at a coffee shop having similar issues as you are that you haven’t even met yet. Or you you settle and ignore your needs and desires and deal with his ex going forward. Your decision like I said.

uwotm8

Date posted: 5y

I just don’t know if I believe there’s anything better it feels so unlikely...I can’t imagine any other man being as thoughtful with things like planning trips and holidays etc as he is. I’ve truly never experienced that until him so I feel like if I were to end it I’ll either be cheated on again by the next guy, or ghosted, or abused and left dissatisfied in general wishing I was good enough to have what other women have (like what you described)

uwotm8

Date posted: 5y

@uwotm8 I feel like I would be passing up my happiness to another girl he ends up with after if I did that

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