Hi all, I will try to make it short (and will probably fail). I had my first real bout of pure ocd 15 years ago (I was 15). It started after smoking weed and a sort of depersonalization episode. Back then I did not understand what was happening so I spent almost a year keeping things to myself. The first obsessions I had centered around not being able to tell if I was real, or in a dream which created acute anxiety, I was also afraid of losing my mind as I did not understand what was happening. When I finally talked about it to my parents, they sent me to a therapist but he only wanted to give me meds and I was against it so I had to find another way. Through research and from experience I developed an habit of blocking thoughts that I started to recognize as obsessions by saying "I know this is all in my head". The disorder came and went throughout the years, I had many different themes, homosexual OCD, paedophile OCD, BDD. It was insufferable until I recognized it as a new theme (partly because it was listed as one on wikipedia) and then after a few weeks of telling myself this was just the disorder morphing I started to get better. I got a lot better, I went to study abroad, had the best year of my life, met my girlfriend who is wonderful. I think for three years I barely felt any deep anxiety, at least nothing compared to what I use to feel. But things got out of hand some months ago, I think due to life stressors (having to reconsider my career plans, feeling mike a failure, money and relationship problems). I think I went through a massive depressive episode, I lost interest in my creative passions, I was too anxious to feel anything anyway. I got a bit better but what I struggle with now is kind of hard to shake. See music as always been my main passion and it helped me a lot to get over ocd in the first place. But since this episode, I started to develop a fear of not being able to feel anything, especially toward music. I have tried to treat it as OCD and expose myself to the fear, but I can't help checking my feelings whenever I listen to or make music which I think might be a mental compulsion. I'll just tell myself "oh see you aren't feeling anything" or "you are feeling anxious listening to this song that you use to like so that must mean you don't love music anymore" and it makes me feel really anxious because I feel like it is a part of me dying and of course I can't enjoy the music because I'm constantly judging my feelings. It's kind of tricky because it is not really a typical theme, which maintains the doubt that it might just be real. Although I sort of see it as somewhere between ROCD (the loved one being music) and health OCD (the fear of having damaged my brain because of anxiety and thus being unable to feel joy anymore) So does anyone as ideas about what I should do if I want to use ERP for this thoughts ? Try to accept that maybe I lost my passion ? And do they sound like OCD at all ? Thank you ! (And sorry for the long post.)

Hey everyone. This is my first post here and it’s probably going to be a long one because I guess I feel comfortable enough to be open here. I need help. When I first got diagnosed with OCD, I figured it only impacted a small part of my life. I thought I was only affected with compulsions and obsessions that dealt with contamination, tangible perfectionism and the obvious intrusive thoughts and that’s it. Well, I’ve come to realize that most of my thinking has been impacted by OCD. At this point the only way to describe how it feels to me is a forest of thorny vines growing in place of my mind or maybe through and around my brain constantly growing every-time I give into this type of thinking (which is basically all the time because I wasn’t aware this was OCD). I’ve definitely felt it more recently, but I know it’s always been there from what I recall from past memories. I got diagnosed not so long ago with OCD and I was happy to because it explained this thing I knew was wrong with me but I didn’t know how much it will and has impacted me in the past. So, I think I’ve created a matrix in my mind or strengthened the OCD thought patterns because now I feel like my OCD impacts everything I do. And I guess I’m saying I need help here because maybe you guys will be able to see it, maybe validate me and point me where I can get help. I’ve been telling the people around me, I think my thinking is disordered and I need help but I don’t think they really understand the amount it’s affecting me or grasp what I meant when I say “I Need Help”. I did have a therapist before but because of a insurance change, she can’t work with me anymore and I’m not sure when I’ll get another (just to clarify). Back to the matter, the past couple of months I’ve been in my head just thinking and thinking. About everything. To the point where my head starts to hurt or until I feel sick of thinking about it but I can’t. I find that’s my obsessions and compulsions (other than the need for order [which can also be mental]) are very mentally based and I find myself ashamed of them so I hide them so maybe that’s why the people around me don’t feel my need for getting help as much as I do. Anyways, examples of this have been, -constantly thinking about what’s the purpose of all of life and the hidden messages in life -feeling like if I don’t do everything perfectly then what the point or being very mad at myself -being obsessed with how I present to the rest of the world sometimes even in close relationships -having calculated movements and actions (having to move my body a certain way or it doesn’t feel right) -obsessing over an absolute truth -questioning friendships and other relationships - obsessing over achievements or failures -obsessing over people -obsessing over decisions and outcomes because I want to make the perfect decisions I could go on and on but basically it’s just a lot of thinking and ruminating and obsessing to the point where people tell me I look like I’m some where else all the time. And I’ve started to feel like I find comfort in it now. I’m also diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I feel like it’s all just OCD. And same goes for my dissociation. I feel like they all root from my OCD. I’m so tired of feeling like this all the time and without my therapist I feel like I’m stuck here. I can’t make decisions, I’m never present, I can’t make or keep friendships/ relationships, everything impacts me deeply because I create a emotional obsession to it, I can’t just be without questioning everything and I’m constantly in my head. I’ve also started getting high all the time because I feel like it’s the only way to escape my brain but I’ve felt like it’s getting out of hand. I’m starting to lose in any type of hope of getting better. Does anyone have an advice for working on OCD by yourself or identifying when it’s OCD (especially mental obsessions and compulsions) so I can start to chip at this boulder that’s weighing down my life and energy?

This is simply advice that helped me and in no way am I qualified to tell you what to do but only to relay my experience. Please speak with your therapist first and foremost. - ERP: You need it and it feels so amazing when you have someone help you along the way -whatever your brain is telling you that you do not deserve to do (exercising, eating (in general or healthily), skincare, dressing nicely, your favorite hobby, etc.) JUST DO IT! will you be riddle with guilt? yes. will it feel sooo wrong? yes. Will you feel anxious? yes. Please just take care of yourself and think of it as an exposure because I think it is! Refuse the conditions of OCD. If that doesn't convince you, do it for the younger you, the five year old you who dreamt of so much. Do that hobby and activity they would love for you to do - Listen to music and consume content with meaningful and uplifting messages. This is for everyone and especially those of you compulsively researching OCD and whatnot and watching videos and all that stuff. Don't get me wrong OCD knowledge saves lives, but when it becomes all consuming its doing more harm then help. Try to take in content (non-compulsively) that is uplifting and positive. Not to necessarily make you positive but to give your brain happy content- feed your brain the stuff you want more of. This is kind of silly but I love listening to the Spirit movie songs by Bryan Adams- they're kind of badass. -Think about and visualize a future that is full of hope. Ok hear me out. Whenever I would think of the future it would be dark and scary which is terrifying but normal with OCD and especially with depression. As I get better whenever I think about a future but on my terms and with everything working out great, I would feel great and then awful thoughts would flood my brain. This scared me and it still does but I realize that avoiding thinking about a positive future was a compulsion for me (you might not relate to this because its kind of niche and that's ok) -Stop monitoring how you feel. I deal with this more as I lean into recovery. I notice OCD sneaking in as scary feelings. Feel them but ignore diving deeper. Remember your brain has been fixated on a scary outcome for a long time so of course we will get the thoughts and feelings and all that stuff (Don't think about a pink elephant!). Your brain lies whether that is a thought, image, urge or feeling. It will do anything to 'protect' you aka, make you do what you are convinced will make you feel safe which are your compulsions. Resist it all-continue doing what you normally do even if you feel like the most disgusting and horrible person. Like Dory says "just keep going" -Stop monitoring how recovered you feel and stop trying to feel 'perfect' or 'just right'. Just live and go through your day doing what you value no matter what you feel. This is SO hard, it's so much easier said than done but you can't get better if you are obsessed with getting better. Look out for this OCD sneakiness and mention it to your therapist. -Gratitude. Be grateful for whatever good you do have no matter how deserving or undeserving you feel. Be grateful that OCD resources and help is becoming so robust in our time. Be grateful if you have people who support you. Be grateful for your therapist. Be grateful for every single good thing. Even be grateful for your brain! I know, I know, but think about how it's just an organ and it thinks its doing its best to protect you even if it is being supeeeeerrr not helpful. -Focus and help others. This can be hard especially with themes like Harm OCD and POCD but I know how it feels. Focus on how much your sibling would appreciate you helping them with their homework instead of focusing on how terrifying it would be for you with the onslaught on negative thoughts. Think about how much your dog would love to go on a walk and explore the world and not on how awful you will feel doing it. I did it and I know you can. -Stop waiting to love and respect yourself before you do things that will help you love and respect yourself. Stop waiting until you feel better to do what you love. You build self love, trust, and respect by continuously and purposefully doing what you love and what you value. -Stop the internal whine. Ok, listen I am not trying to invalidate how absolutely debilitating this disorder is, but I realized for myself that the internal whining I had about this was keeping me stuck. "why me!" "I love my family, I love children, I love animals, etc., why did I have to have this obsession?" guess what it would stick if it didn't matter. How do you make someone do what you want? By threatening what you love most. It sucks but thank goodness you are tough. You are strong and absolutely capable of handling this disorder. But you won't know this until you try and until you do what it takes. -Accept it all. The thoughts, images, and every part of this confusing and even traumatic experience. Accept that you have OCD and that comes with constant doubting and upsetting thoughts. Accept and find some self compassion for your torment. Accept even when you think you possibly can not. Acceptance helps you detach from the thoughts and creates space for it to be there with out determining who you are and what you should do. This are just some things that continue to help me through OCD recovery. Feel free to ask question below but not reassurance because I will not give it. I love you all so very much (yes even you who thinks they are the exception and thinks that if I knew what they thought it would not apply to them, especially you!!!)

Hi all! I have had a variety of OCD themes such as Relationship OCD, Homosexual OCD, Transgender OCD, etc. I have a few experiences that I'm wondering if anyone has been through/can shed light on as well: -I feel as if I have a constant feeling that I need to analyze whether or not I'm 100% happy at any given moment. For example I think: "Am I truly happy? Am I experiencing life the right way? If I look around am I experiencing life with 100% clarity?" -One of my themes is stronger/more persistent than the others. And as such it makes me more fearful that it must be true. My Homosexual OCD was the first to manifest and as such I feel like it has ultimate power over me. I also used to experiment with Gay Porn when I was younger but I never felt it was "serious" nor have relationships with men interested me in real life. But I feel as if I am hyperaware of when I find another male attractive yet the thought of sexual intercourse with them doesn't appeal to me. (I'm in a very lucky and lovely relationship with my Fiancé btw). And I find myself analyzing moments of emotion with her. When I cry over something out of joy with her I feel like a fraud, like I am forcing myself to do so. But I've had genuine moments when I imagine our wedding day together alone in my car, I cry because I'm overcome with joy. -How to properly do ERP exercises. I usually attempt to let my thoughts flow like a stream and try not to attach meaning to them. I also try to force myself to imagine scenarios that are incredibly fearful in an effort to desensitize myself which only makes me feel as if I'm actually starting to like the thoughts and then they become an overwhelming, confusing wave. Thanks so much for reading! I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts and I sincerely love and appreciate your time. I hope we can all be in this together! :)