When I was really young, started at age 5, I had a lot of intrusive thoughts that were sexual. They were with family and friends. Being so little and having these kinds of thoughts about family and not knowing the taboo behind it may have confused me a lot? Especially having it so young. As I grew up I developed a fear about sex and the idea being raped. It would make me cry just thinking about being raped. It made me question whether I have been abused. I have memories which I’m not sure if they are false memories or not but I have 2 big ones. One is when I was 3 or 4 and my older brother molested me but when I think about it, it doesn’t seem real. And when I was about 6 I have a memory of me touching my younger brother in inappropriate places :( And I’ve always been so questionative about whether those things really happened or not. And overall I just began to fear being about my brothers, dad and the men in my family because of these sexual thoughts. I would think that they were attractive and then just cry because what if I’m attracted to my family members? To my brothers? Even now (I’m 20) I get these feelings sometimes like I have such a deep emotional bond with my younger brother (who is now 18) that I get it confused with it being romantic??? Like if that makes sense. Like I can’t even explain it. My BPD makes my feelings x10 so love always feels so strong. And sometimes I doubt whether they’re romantic or just family love. I guess I’ll never know if I’ve been sexually abused or if they’re false memories. If those things really happened I would want to d*e because I can’t stand the thought of doing that to my younger brother. And the fear I developed growing up about my dad has made me question why I am the way I am. Do I have ocd and these thoughts because I was sexually abused when I was younger? Because I don’t remember anything clearly. The memory of my older brother molesting me seems dream like and not real. So I can’t say if that was real. And if that isn’t real then why did I have these thoughts at a young age? Do I have to be sexually abused to have this type of ocd at a young age? Or is that just the way my illness works? Someone please help

holley

Date posted: 5y

i’m so sorry :(( i would love to get to know you a bit better and help you through this. i also have bpd as well. i’ve never met someone with bpd and ocd. do you struggle with hocd too? would you like my email?

bloop123

Date posted: 5y

Hocd yes I’ve struggled with but I’ve always struggled with POCD especially. I’ve had doubts about my sexuality, gender, harm ocd, relationship ocd, somatic ocd, pocd ): it’s hard

holley

Date posted: 5y

@bloop123 i just started doubting my sexuality last year. but i’m holley and it’s crazy how you have bpd as well. life is so hard for people like us! stay strong please. i’m here for you

bloop123

Date posted: 5y

@holley You too girly!!! ?

holley

Date posted: 5y

@bloop123 here’s my email pls reach out to me? holleymaeg@gmail.com

bloop123

Date posted: 5y

@holley Do you a snap?!

holley

Date posted: 5y

@bloop123 yes it’s holleymaeg!

Nyc0011

Date posted: 5y

That is so weird you mention that you’re not sure if it’s a dreamlike state or if it actually happened because I have the same thing too when I was 3 years old and question it I was molested by my babysitters husband. I remember seeing his penis which is a weird thing for a young child to remember

blackraspberry

Date posted: 5y

I totally relate :( it’s so difficult to navigate this stuff. I don’t have bpd but I have a similar story to yours as far as trauma (?) goes and I would like to know you better. It’s really easy to believe we are alone in our struggles when we really aren’t! <3

bloop123

Date posted: 5y

<3!!!!

bloop123

Date posted: 5y

Right!!! I’m sorry though

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