Really long lost but I’d really appreciate if someone could take time for me. Can’t tell if ROCD making me overthink or not Am I wrong for wanting my cats back? My bf asked me to move in 6 months ago but said I can’t bring my cats, but he won’t stop sharing dogs with his ex. But now I’m growing resentful and depressed and want them back from my mom. I’m 27 f and he’s 40. It’s a complex set up anyway, he owns a business with his ex, and they share these two dogs. They live with her, but he sees them every day at their work because the dogs go there without fail. he can walk them whenever in the day too as he’s his own boss. When we first met about 18months ago, he hadn’t long split with her. They still lived together! And he was searching for a new place when we were just getting to know each other. She’s been total garbage too. She’s a narcissist, really manipulative and showed up at his new house a few times and texts him a lot. she threatened to brick his window once, attacked him at work, and she even phoned him once knowing I was there with him, declaring that “he said he still loves her” (he didn’t, I was there the day she claims he said that on the phone for work during lockdown) They do not want to be together (she’s having an affair with a married man) but she’s still annoying as hell. She used to be verbally emotionally and physically abusive towards him during their relationship too, just for context. When he asked me to move in 6 months ago, he said “maybe we should live together, we get on so great! But can the cats live with your mother? I can’t have them here” and stupidly I agreed because I assumed he wouldn’t be around his ex and the dogs forever, SPECIFICALLY because at times when she would attack him in their place of work (really) he would text me to say “f-ck this I’ll get a normal job and I’ll EVEN stop seeing those dogs to be away from that evil f-king b-tch” etc etc so I took it seriously. Plus I don’t really think it’s realistic to co parent a pet with an ex, but that’s just me. When I split with my ex a few years ago I kept the cats, and we had a clean break, but now I have to sacrifice my pets but he refuses to stop having the dogs? Even though he sees them at work everyday? I have said a few times I miss my cats dearly, I already had my own apartment and both my cats settled with me when we met, but he still lived with his ex and dogs THEN moved to his own place. I don’t think it’s fair to say “I want you but leave them behind?” When I have said before I miss them so so much (and secretly it’s making me really upset and anxious) he’s like “I’m not having cats here. Plus they smell. Your apartment always smells awful.” (Because they’re indoor cats, but can go outside on a leash) But he says “as long as those dogs are alive I’m not giving them up.” During the lockdown he developed a drink problem too and he’s getting help now thank god. But the cats came up in conversation once and he was like “well go back to your apartment then.” Then he threw a glass at the wall and scared the hell out of me. I’m too scared to bring it up really because he almost downplays it to me too? “Oh what’s more important? Progressing in a relationship, or petting your cats for the next 15 years? We’ll just go back to dating until they all die then” and he’s also told me that I’ll look back on this when I’m with “Dave from *insert rough area here* and his 5 kids and ex still on the scene and think this was NOTHING” He brought up having children with me one day, when things were ok, and I said “well your priorities would HAVE to change then, you can’t have your ex around causing issues I’m definitely not going through pregnancy with her demanding you have the dogs so she can freely go fuck the married man?” (there’s too many other issues she caused to mention this is already longer than I planned) Since he’s doing better now, his ex is “allowing” him to see the dogs again now she’s not “fearing for them and she can trust him again” due to him getting help ? he won’t stop talking about them and it makes me bristle, because those dogs are the reason I can’t see my beloved cats. I called my mom crying yesterday and she said she has always felt bad about me giving them to her, and I can have them back any time I want to. But now I feel extremely guilty because now my FAMILY are attached to them too now, but they know I’m not doing it on purpose and I am extremely upset by the entire thing. My family assumed this was a temporary solution too when he mentioned me moving in but he’s shown no signs of compromise at all. I did move my stuff back to my apartment about 3 weeks ago because when he was drinking heavily and being horrible to me, name calling using exes against me, throwing me out then begging me not to go etc, he even locked me out once, then said I must have locked it? But I would be able to UNLOCK it then!! I finally had enough anyway, and disappeared back to my apartment. But we have been seeing each other more again since his therapy started. He was saying it was the wake up call he needed because he doesn’t want to lose me, but now he’s being weird with me when I mention I also miss MY pets too! All he’s done lately is send me photos of his dogs, mention his dogs when the conversation has nothing to do with his dogs, walk them every other day (meaning going to his ex’s house to collect the dogs too) phoning me telling me they’re tangling him up, and it’s all annoying the shit out of me because if I mention my cats it’s like it’s meh nothing. Or he’ll tell me to “go home” and get them, yet he still wants me to think of his house as my home? when we drive past “his old house” (his narcissist ex gf’s house) he slows down to check if his “pooches” are in the window and he refers to any cute animal he sees that isn’t even a dog as “awww looks like my dog!!!” I feel like he’s rubbing salt in my wounds. then he claims “you hate my dogs” when I have to pretend to not notice he is revving up the gushing over them. He also likes to show me photos of them as puppies where his ex is in the photos and reminisce about them when he first got them - I wasn’t there Ffs, his ex was!!! so I can’t relate and I don’t like it. I never do that to him it feels insensitive ? Thing is, I had full time pets in my own place when we met, he told me he wouldn’t share the dogs forever so it made me think it was a temporary solution- but it obviously isn’t? He even says he wouldn’t want his dogs full time, just once or twice a week because they annoy him after a day or two. Plus his ex wouldn’t agree to give them up anyway. I nearly gave up my apartment to live with him, thank god I didn’t! I hate going there now though it’s empty and lonely and I see their kitty toys and I cry ? Yesterday I said I was gonna get them back from my mom as it’s eating me alive, and he’s been weird with me ever since. I confront him, and he denies he’s in a mood. But I think he is? I don’t know. Then this morning he barely had much time to talk to me as he was sorting himself out and preparing chicken for his dogs and was like “right I’m off then I’ll bring them back here later too” I just feel like I have to put up with his psycho ex, his dogs, give up my cats and deal with my sadness over them all alone, while he can freely boast about having his dogs at his beck and call? His argument is “you haven’t given them up, you can still see your cats at your moms. Plus I just INVITED you to live with me” but she lives an hour away, where as his work is literally 3 mins walk away and he sees them EVERY DAY by default. TLDR been with my boyfriend 18 months, I had my own place and two adorable kitties, he still lived with his ex and their dogs when we met. He found a new house, asked me to move in but rejects my cats, but made me and my family think it was temporary as a “solution” because he claimed one day he wouldn’t have anything to do with his mental ex anyway. he outrightly refuses to stop sharing dogs with his ex even though he still sees them every single day at their joined owned business which is 3 mins walk away, but I would have to drive an hour to my moms specifically to see my cats. He talks about his dogs non stop and they treat them like children they never had, but I can’t bring up my pets without being met with moody behaviour or being told to “go home then” I feel like my feelings aren’t as important as his, neither are my pets either. It doesn’t sit right with me. I also worry I’ll either have to just put up with his ex and her dogs, or risk never finding anyone else in future because what if they don’t like my cats either? I don’t want to be alone ?

Hi, friends. I apologize in advance because this is going to be a long one. Friends and family have tried to help and give me advice, but they don’t truly understand how OCD/ROCD disrupts me from thinking logically. Quick back story: I was in a relationship for 10 years with a guy who I liked enough, but was never truly “in love” with. We bought a house together and everything. I broke up with him in January 2024 after learning that he had been lying to me and hiding multiple substance addictions throughout our relationship. He was also a compulsive liar. Needless to say, I was left in shambles with a ton of trust issues and a mortgage that I couldn’t afford alone. Flash forward to October 2024: I was unexpectedly setup by someone and ended up going on a date with a divorced 38 year old, I’m 30 for reference. Neither of us expected it to go anywhere and we were both the first person the other dated since ending their previous relationship/marriage. Plot twist….I fell absolutely in love with this man. I mean, getting excited to go to bed because I knew when I woke up I could talk to him again in love (🤮). Lame, I know. He said he loved me very quickly after a night of drinking, but the next day made it clear that “I know I was drunk, but I know what I said and I meant it.” Things progressed, we spent a lot of time together very quickly and there were a lot of big feelings. Things were fantastic and I felt like I was living in a movie. Now, here we are 5 months later. I’ve learned that he is definitely an avoidant, which is tough because I have an anxious attachment style. He’s stopped saying the cute things he said in the beginning, and I know that people will say that was the “honeymoon phase” but I still feel just as happy and excited to be around him as I was in the beginning. He’s been pulling away and said that he does love me and wants to be with me, but he needs to work on himself first. I ended up breaking down and telling him everything I was feeling and everything that was upsetting me. He was taken back, but said that he hears me and that everything I’ve said is extremely valid. He said he didn’t realize that I felt that way and he’s sorry. We took a few days to collect our thoughts and process, finally seeing each other again last Friday. When we saw each other we had an open and honest talk. He said that he has noticed that he’s repeating things he’s done in past relationships and that he doesn’t want to do that with me, he doesn’t want to lose me. He said he wants to be together and that he sees a future with me, but he just needs a minute before he can “fully commit” I.e. introduce me to any more of his friends and family. I’m completely lost. I want to be with him more than anything. I respect that he recognizes a pattern and his detrimental behavior and I’m willing to meet him where he is. But at the same time, should I have to try so hard for someone to love me? I don’t want to lose him, but I cannot lose myself again either. I’m torn between “the right person will do what it takes to be with you” and “if they aren’t giving you what you need, walk away”… I know this is long, but if you made it this far, any and all advice would be extremely appreciated. Thank you!!

I’m a 19 year old girl and I have relationship ocd. My bf (20) and I are in college and around 2 days ago he asked for a break via text and then we called after on the phone which was the last time we spoke. We’ve been doing medium/long distance (1-2hrs away from eachother). I’m his first serious relationship and girl he’s ever loved. He’s my first healthy relationship and he felt like home to me. We both date to marry and everything with him felt so finalized, as silly as it sounds. Due to life being life we haven’t been able to see eachother the past three ish weeks. During that time he became different, wasn’t as loving as he used to be, and I had to continuously ask him to call me and he only did once or twice for about 15 minutes. He’s incredibly busy and in a agricultural frat. Unfortunately, he seeks a lot of validation from his frat brothers. It’s funny too, because I absolutely hate frats since I feel like often, of course not always, but often, all frats are about partying and hookup culture. That’s ok, it’s just not my thing as that to me isn’t what I value. With my bf though, I still loved him anyway. My bf was different from the stereotypical frat guy douche. You truly would not guess that him of all people is in one. He has incredibly redeeming qualities - he’s so kind, always tries to do the right thing, is so gentle, hardworking, encouraging, sensitive and sometimes emotionally intelligent lol. Due to this he gets treated differently in the house and the brothers disrespected him constantly. He would literally cry about it in my arms or in his car multiple times. When he was in my arms I was tearing up because it hurt me to see him like that. It broke my heart, but he was always too afraid to speak up for himself. I got pissed so many times and said I will say something for him - I’d do literally anything for him to make him happy. It became very obvious to me that he’s seeking so much male validation to fit in even though he comes from a great family with two married parents, with his dad being an absolutely amazing person and two older brothers. Hes said so many times that he doesn’t belong at the frat and I agreed and would tell him it’s because he was too good for them. I think he’s changed now though, and he honestly wants to fully submerge himself into this frat. He’s also taking max credit classes and has a job. I’ve been working to transfer over to the school he is at and as of late I’ve been doing community college, doing therapy with NOCD, going to the gym, and finally getting a car and being able to drive. I find myself that in relationships I let the other persons mood define mine, and I minimize my needs to make them happier. I wish I wasn’t like this and that I was a normal person. I care so deeply about him and want the best for him and I. I think he saw that flaw in me and with the combined stress of us being busy and not seeing eachother, thought it was time for a break. We called after he sent the text and I sobbed and acted a fool on the phone and I was absolutley pissed st first but only because I care. That was our first phone call in a while. He was crying and sobbing and calling me baby and the last thing we said to eachother was I love you, with him initiating that. Not too long after he was quick to take a lot of our posts down and stop sharing his location. So I did the same, and then just deleted all of my social media. I don’t know if he unadded me on anything, I don’t want to know and I don’t want to see his posts. I don’t think he has any idea as to what he’s doing. I’ll never forget when I was his date to one of his frat formals and I spoke to an alumni for a long time. He said to my bf waiting for me while I was in the bathroom “you got a good girl, take care of her”. My bf told me after that happened, because it was sweet, but I don’t think he honestly knew what that man really meant. Because I think if my bf did understand; I wouldn’t have to practically beg him to acknowledge me with a “maybe we could call” text for weeks, he would’ve directly thanked my mom for all the gifts I bought him using her money, he would’ve actually looked my mom in the eyes when he’s talking to her, he would’ve made sure that with intimacy my needs were also satisfied - not just his, he wouldn’t have told me what makeup style I should wear and what celebrities/traits he finds attractive in other girls even though I’ve voiced I’m uncomfortable with it, he would’ve shown more interest in my hobbies and likes the way I did his, and lastly, he would’ve been more courteous about my feelings and put his ego aside. I mean I’d literally watch hour long videos about fucking warhammer even though I thought it was boring. I sent him an educational video about OCD that I don’t think he ever took the time to watch. Which hurts, because he knows it’s something about me that I discovered during our relationship. Meanwhile, while I have stuff to work on like every person ever, I understand that I don’t need to fit into a group to feel complete. I’ve been authentically myself, flawed and all. I’m not afraid to show my problems to people. I don’t think I’m better than him because I’m like this, but I think that’s where we’re at right now. He hurt me so much and if/when he decides to come back is when I let him. I want him to regret this and for us to work out, but only if there’s change. He said we should work on ourselves and I agree. I’m slowly feeling better, but this took so many people by surprise especially his brothers gf who I was incredibly close to. She also has OCD funnily enough, and we’ve privately bonded over our bfs just not understanding OCD or going to each other for relationship/self care advice. I don’t know what to do, he was home to me. I love him, but I don’t love his actions and I deserve more. I hope he realizes what he’s missing out on, regrets it, and truly understands my value.

My all-consuming compulsion is to coddle someone who shows opposition to my boundaries. My boyfriend and I love each other dearly. In fact, he's going to propose soon. But we're working through some really difficult things. When conversations get difficult for him, or he feels the slightest bit of guilt, he totally freezes. He can't talk or make eye contact for awhile. I've been incredibly compassionate about his coping mechanism and his needs (he grew up in an emotionally abusive household), but at the same time, I have needs that must be met, too. The conversations in which he freezes up are ALWAYS ones in which I'm expressing discomfort/hurt about something. What I NEED is to feel validated, to have the space to feel hurt/uncomfortable WITHOUT judgement. Because I am super attentive to him and always ALWAYS validate his hurt, even if it affects me personally. But whether it's big or small, he KEEPS getting really hurt and affected by the things I bring up. His mom is not nice to me, she hasn't been since we met. He's not responsible for her actions, but he IS responsible for defending me when his mom is being super judgemental and rejected me outright, multiple times, even though she didn't even know who I was. I just automatically wasn't good enough. I should be able to trust my boyfriend with valid concerns of mine/expect him to apologize when he's caused discomfort, and he unintentionally invalidates me by guilt-tripping me like crazy. And I've talked to him about this stuff, which is SO HARD. I explain what is and isn't helpful. I brought up therapy, because I can't make him go, but he says he's been trying to ease off his coping response for years to no avail. For this and many other reasons I think he needs professional help (I'm seeing a therapist myself. We both got chronic mental illness that needs addressing somehow). I explained my feelings, I explained what I need. He's starting to try harder to give my emotions space, and say things that validate me. I appreciate it cuz I know the freezing response is something he's trying to fight. It's SO HARD for me not to fawn. My OCD is screaming at me, telling me that I HAVE TO accommodate my boyfriend's feelings, oh I must have hurt him SO BAD, oh imagine how horrible things will be if I DON'T give him reassurance!! But this isn't about him. These conversations with him start because a boundary of MINE has been crossed!! Even if he has a whiny reaction, or has a freezing response that stems from trauma. It STILL causes me too much emotional distress and places blame on me in an unfair way. For example (this is a BRIEF explanation), I've made it clear that I don't want dogs. I've never even had dogs and he knows this. And my boyfriend got really pouty after I reiterated this once, because he thought his dog back home would come live with us after we got married. Mind you, he's NEVER brought this up with me before. I had no idea he wanted his dog to move in with us. The dog has only ever lived at his parents' house. His parents assumed I'd be fine taking on the responsibility of an OLD, SMELLY DOG!!! WITHOUT EVEN ASKING ME!!! And when I explained my frustration about this assumption to my boyfriend while ALSO sweetly acknowledging how SPECIAL his dog is to him, he broke down and shut down!! It's SO FRUSTRATING when he does that, it's so stressful, it's SUCH a burden on me when my boyfriend doesn't have the capacity to validate my feelings the way I do his! Holding back and not compulsively fawning is SO HARD!!!! But I gotta stand firm---it's NOT fair that I have to edit my true feelings because he's not equipped to be more emotionally present for me.