Really long lost but I’d really appreciate if someone could take time for me. Can’t tell if ROCD making me overthink or not Am I wrong for wanting my cats back? My bf asked me to move in 6 months ago but said I can’t bring my cats, but he won’t stop sharing dogs with his ex. But now I’m growing resentful and depressed and want them back from my mom. I’m 27 f and he’s 40. It’s a complex set up anyway, he owns a business with his ex, and they share these two dogs. They live with her, but he sees them every day at their work because the dogs go there without fail. he can walk them whenever in the day too as he’s his own boss. When we first met about 18months ago, he hadn’t long split with her. They still lived together! And he was searching for a new place when we were just getting to know each other. She’s been total garbage too. She’s a narcissist, really manipulative and showed up at his new house a few times and texts him a lot. she threatened to brick his window once, attacked him at work, and she even phoned him once knowing I was there with him, declaring that “he said he still loves her” (he didn’t, I was there the day she claims he said that on the phone for work during lockdown) They do not want to be together (she’s having an affair with a married man) but she’s still annoying as hell. She used to be verbally emotionally and physically abusive towards him during their relationship too, just for context. When he asked me to move in 6 months ago, he said “maybe we should live together, we get on so great! But can the cats live with your mother? I can’t have them here” and stupidly I agreed because I assumed he wouldn’t be around his ex and the dogs forever, SPECIFICALLY because at times when she would attack him in their place of work (really) he would text me to say “f-ck this I’ll get a normal job and I’ll EVEN stop seeing those dogs to be away from that evil f-king b-tch” etc etc so I took it seriously. Plus I don’t really think it’s realistic to co parent a pet with an ex, but that’s just me. When I split with my ex a few years ago I kept the cats, and we had a clean break, but now I have to sacrifice my pets but he refuses to stop having the dogs? Even though he sees them at work everyday? I have said a few times I miss my cats dearly, I already had my own apartment and both my cats settled with me when we met, but he still lived with his ex and dogs THEN moved to his own place. I don’t think it’s fair to say “I want you but leave them behind?” When I have said before I miss them so so much (and secretly it’s making me really upset and anxious) he’s like “I’m not having cats here. Plus they smell. Your apartment always smells awful.” (Because they’re indoor cats, but can go outside on a leash) But he says “as long as those dogs are alive I’m not giving them up.” During the lockdown he developed a drink problem too and he’s getting help now thank god. But the cats came up in conversation once and he was like “well go back to your apartment then.” Then he threw a glass at the wall and scared the hell out of me. I’m too scared to bring it up really because he almost downplays it to me too? “Oh what’s more important? Progressing in a relationship, or petting your cats for the next 15 years? We’ll just go back to dating until they all die then” and he’s also told me that I’ll look back on this when I’m with “Dave from *insert rough area here* and his 5 kids and ex still on the scene and think this was NOTHING” He brought up having children with me one day, when things were ok, and I said “well your priorities would HAVE to change then, you can’t have your ex around causing issues I’m definitely not going through pregnancy with her demanding you have the dogs so she can freely go fuck the married man?” (there’s too many other issues she caused to mention this is already longer than I planned) Since he’s doing better now, his ex is “allowing” him to see the dogs again now she’s not “fearing for them and she can trust him again” due to him getting help ? he won’t stop talking about them and it makes me bristle, because those dogs are the reason I can’t see my beloved cats. I called my mom crying yesterday and she said she has always felt bad about me giving them to her, and I can have them back any time I want to. But now I feel extremely guilty because now my FAMILY are attached to them too now, but they know I’m not doing it on purpose and I am extremely upset by the entire thing. My family assumed this was a temporary solution too when he mentioned me moving in but he’s shown no signs of compromise at all. I did move my stuff back to my apartment about 3 weeks ago because when he was drinking heavily and being horrible to me, name calling using exes against me, throwing me out then begging me not to go etc, he even locked me out once, then said I must have locked it? But I would be able to UNLOCK it then!! I finally had enough anyway, and disappeared back to my apartment. But we have been seeing each other more again since his therapy started. He was saying it was the wake up call he needed because he doesn’t want to lose me, but now he’s being weird with me when I mention I also miss MY pets too! All he’s done lately is send me photos of his dogs, mention his dogs when the conversation has nothing to do with his dogs, walk them every other day (meaning going to his ex’s house to collect the dogs too) phoning me telling me they’re tangling him up, and it’s all annoying the shit out of me because if I mention my cats it’s like it’s meh nothing. Or he’ll tell me to “go home” and get them, yet he still wants me to think of his house as my home? when we drive past “his old house” (his narcissist ex gf’s house) he slows down to check if his “pooches” are in the window and he refers to any cute animal he sees that isn’t even a dog as “awww looks like my dog!!!” I feel like he’s rubbing salt in my wounds. then he claims “you hate my dogs” when I have to pretend to not notice he is revving up the gushing over them. He also likes to show me photos of them as puppies where his ex is in the photos and reminisce about them when he first got them - I wasn’t there Ffs, his ex was!!! so I can’t relate and I don’t like it. I never do that to him it feels insensitive ? Thing is, I had full time pets in my own place when we met, he told me he wouldn’t share the dogs forever so it made me think it was a temporary solution- but it obviously isn’t? He even says he wouldn’t want his dogs full time, just once or twice a week because they annoy him after a day or two. Plus his ex wouldn’t agree to give them up anyway. I nearly gave up my apartment to live with him, thank god I didn’t! I hate going there now though it’s empty and lonely and I see their kitty toys and I cry ? Yesterday I said I was gonna get them back from my mom as it’s eating me alive, and he’s been weird with me ever since. I confront him, and he denies he’s in a mood. But I think he is? I don’t know. Then this morning he barely had much time to talk to me as he was sorting himself out and preparing chicken for his dogs and was like “right I’m off then I’ll bring them back here later too” I just feel like I have to put up with his psycho ex, his dogs, give up my cats and deal with my sadness over them all alone, while he can freely boast about having his dogs at his beck and call? His argument is “you haven’t given them up, you can still see your cats at your moms. Plus I just INVITED you to live with me” but she lives an hour away, where as his work is literally 3 mins walk away and he sees them EVERY DAY by default. TLDR been with my boyfriend 18 months, I had my own place and two adorable kitties, he still lived with his ex and their dogs when we met. He found a new house, asked me to move in but rejects my cats, but made me and my family think it was temporary as a “solution” because he claimed one day he wouldn’t have anything to do with his mental ex anyway. he outrightly refuses to stop sharing dogs with his ex even though he still sees them every single day at their joined owned business which is 3 mins walk away, but I would have to drive an hour to my moms specifically to see my cats. He talks about his dogs non stop and they treat them like children they never had, but I can’t bring up my pets without being met with moody behaviour or being told to “go home then” I feel like my feelings aren’t as important as his, neither are my pets either. It doesn’t sit right with me. I also worry I’ll either have to just put up with his ex and her dogs, or risk never finding anyone else in future because what if they don’t like my cats either? I don’t want to be alone ?

My all-consuming compulsion is to coddle someone who shows opposition to my boundaries. My boyfriend and I love each other dearly. In fact, he's going to propose soon. But we're working through some really difficult things. When conversations get difficult for him, or he feels the slightest bit of guilt, he totally freezes. He can't talk or make eye contact for awhile. I've been incredibly compassionate about his coping mechanism and his needs (he grew up in an emotionally abusive household), but at the same time, I have needs that must be met, too. The conversations in which he freezes up are ALWAYS ones in which I'm expressing discomfort/hurt about something. What I NEED is to feel validated, to have the space to feel hurt/uncomfortable WITHOUT judgement. Because I am super attentive to him and always ALWAYS validate his hurt, even if it affects me personally. But whether it's big or small, he KEEPS getting really hurt and affected by the things I bring up. His mom is not nice to me, she hasn't been since we met. He's not responsible for her actions, but he IS responsible for defending me when his mom is being super judgemental and rejected me outright, multiple times, even though she didn't even know who I was. I just automatically wasn't good enough. I should be able to trust my boyfriend with valid concerns of mine/expect him to apologize when he's caused discomfort, and he unintentionally invalidates me by guilt-tripping me like crazy. And I've talked to him about this stuff, which is SO HARD. I explain what is and isn't helpful. I brought up therapy, because I can't make him go, but he says he's been trying to ease off his coping response for years to no avail. For this and many other reasons I think he needs professional help (I'm seeing a therapist myself. We both got chronic mental illness that needs addressing somehow). I explained my feelings, I explained what I need. He's starting to try harder to give my emotions space, and say things that validate me. I appreciate it cuz I know the freezing response is something he's trying to fight. It's SO HARD for me not to fawn. My OCD is screaming at me, telling me that I HAVE TO accommodate my boyfriend's feelings, oh I must have hurt him SO BAD, oh imagine how horrible things will be if I DON'T give him reassurance!! But this isn't about him. These conversations with him start because a boundary of MINE has been crossed!! Even if he has a whiny reaction, or has a freezing response that stems from trauma. It STILL causes me too much emotional distress and places blame on me in an unfair way. For example (this is a BRIEF explanation), I've made it clear that I don't want dogs. I've never even had dogs and he knows this. And my boyfriend got really pouty after I reiterated this once, because he thought his dog back home would come live with us after we got married. Mind you, he's NEVER brought this up with me before. I had no idea he wanted his dog to move in with us. The dog has only ever lived at his parents' house. His parents assumed I'd be fine taking on the responsibility of an OLD, SMELLY DOG!!! WITHOUT EVEN ASKING ME!!! And when I explained my frustration about this assumption to my boyfriend while ALSO sweetly acknowledging how SPECIAL his dog is to him, he broke down and shut down!! It's SO FRUSTRATING when he does that, it's so stressful, it's SUCH a burden on me when my boyfriend doesn't have the capacity to validate my feelings the way I do his! Holding back and not compulsively fawning is SO HARD!!!! But I gotta stand firm---it's NOT fair that I have to edit my true feelings because he's not equipped to be more emotionally present for me.

hi everyone. i feel this is the only platform where i can vent. i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. at first, i caught him messaging other girls, asking for their only fans and would message his cousin to text him saying they’re going to the movies that way he can escape with someone else. he would smoke and drink alot. last year, he told me he was drinking after work and wouldn’t answer my calls or texts. he did not get home until 4am and expected me to not be mad. he would aggressively throw things whenever he would be upset. this of course, created a lot of anxiety and trauma. that day, i grabbed my things and left. i ended up giving him a 2nd chance because he was begging me and promised he would change. just last night, he did the same exact thing. he was drinking with his coworkers and i called him because it was getting late (8pm). he kept declining and texted he was w his coworkers and not to pick him up because his cousin was going to pick him up to continue drinking. this of course made me very upset and I told him i felt neglected. I told him I was done with our relationship because I cannot continue to tolerate this. he turned off his phone and got home until 1am. he was upset and said i should just wait for him to get home to talk. today, i packed my bags and left. i do not want to continue feeling anxious or neglected. am i in the wrong for packing my things and leaving? should i have stayed and talked to him? i am super heartbroken as we also had a dog who we both love very much. i feel like i lost my 2 loves and my heart is shattered. i would greatly appreciate anyone to respond. thank you!

Today I was walking my cat. (Yes, my cat lol. He loves exploring outside and I have a cat harness for him and I only explore near my apartment. I walk him instead of just releasing him bc ive had accidents with past pets that were run over. I never want that to happen again so i rather walk him and it helps him stay active and helps me too.) Anyway, where i live there are a lot of separate apartments (mini houses) but still are part of one section under one land lord. This neighbor was outside chilling talking on the phone, no dog in sight. He owns this dog that is the same size of a cat so i guess small but big enough where it can cause bad bite wounds to a cat. I was outside my apartment walking along the grass but also near that apartment since its a public space and i dont want to walk my cat near the main road since to many loud cars and itbwas just him on the phone, no dog seen. My cat likes sniffing the grass and walking past some apartments. There was no dog out so i assumed it was okay to walk AND ITS PUBLIC COMMON AREA THE DOG SHOULDNT BE OFF LEASH ANYHOW. My cat was smelling the grass and laid down then suddenly the neighbor's dog gets released outside (unleashed and ungated) and charges straight for my cat! I picked up my cat and ran at full speed away BUT THE DOG CHASED ME THE WHOLE WAY AND THE NEGLIGENT OWNER DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TILL HE SAW ME YELLING NO AT THEIR DOG WHILE HOLDING MY SCARED CAT! The neighbor turned away and let the dog CONTINUE TO BE UNLEASHED AND THE DOG KEPT CORNERING ME AND MY CAT it was so scary! I had to scare the dog off while my cat was tangled on his leash! I eventually was able to safely get away avoiding any bite wounds for my cat! That dog is NOT friendly! I live in a state where it's illegal to have your dogs out without leash unless you are in a fenced private property or a local dog park! The neighbor constantly does this! He takes his dog out to chill but that dog lunges at people! Stupid owner! In no way was my cat provoking this dog! He was sniffing the grass and laid down for a small nap! My cat is very friendly and I was so scared he was going to be hurt bc some idiot thinks it's fine for dogs to be unleashed! And what's worse i was with CHILDREN! My nieces were there with me walking my cat. We were all having fun peaceful walk that ended with us running straight home! IMAGINE IF THAT DOG ATTACKED MY CAT WHO WAS TANGLED AND FRIGHTENED AND IF IT GOT BLOODY??? MY NIECES AND I WOULDVE BEEN HORRIFIED!Horrible i feel so weak hours after. I remember being extremely angry and I told my mom about this and she took HIS side saying it was my fault for walking on a PUBLIC COMMON AREA THAT IS AVAILABLE FOR ALL. She says "i shouldve known better" BUT THE DOG WAS NOT OUT I THOUGHT IT WAS OKAY??? THE OWNER STILL LET HIS DOG OUT UNLEASHED HOW IS THAT MY FAULT if your dog is unfriendly why off leash! Ugh and ocd kicked in and gave me harm thoughts which are making me worry like did I mean that? Did i want to? Did i have an urge to do that to my mom bc I was frusterated she takes other's sides always? I feel sad rn. I wanted to report this guy for negligence. He didnt care if his dog attacked my pet. He didnt care if I had children that dog could've bit. It doesn't matter that the dog was the size of a cat, it still scared my nieces and I! I was mostly afraid for my pet cat since I KNEW I'm bigger than the dog but my cat isnt! He could've seriously gotten hurt! And then who would pay for the vet bills??? I sure as hell know that negligent owner wouldn't! Such a frustrating situation. 🤦‍♀️