So I have HOCD, along with ROCD and perfectionism. I am 25 and I believe the onset was roughly when I was 12-13. I struggled with intrusive thoughts about the same sex (however filed them under the “everyone gets them” until my brain said “maybe you are gay”) and being an athletic person who was involved in team sports with the same gender made it even harder. I went away from team sports when I was 16. All my life I had bullying at school and at home about being gay because I wasn’t like my older brother, because I didn’t like to get hurt, because I liked performing arts and because I liked having females as friends. I was interfered with by my next door neighbour who was a male as I thought it was “just what friends do”. The intrusive thoughts continued however it made it hard. I was in two serious relationships where my ocd attached itself to and it made it hard. Now my brain uses it as evidence of that I am gay and opposite sex relationships is a waste of time because I’ll just come out as gay and waste their time. My attraction to women has gone both romantic and aesthetic attraction and my brain convinces me I never had it. Like I can’t remember what it feels like. I was exposed to porn very young and escalated to finding same sex “gay” porn arousing at first I didn’t like it but I habitualise myself to it, which turned into an addiction (I struggle to stop) which also messes me up more. Now I’m 25 all my friends are settling down and having families and I am still battling what I hope is HOCD. I question whether it is even hocd or whether it is just me in denial. I’ve tried accepting the thoughts but I couldn’t so I settled for bi because “it’s the best of both worlds” and I don’t have to act on my gay intrusive thoughts. Though the intrusive thoughts are with every male that I see. I am honestly feeling lost and don’t know what to do. I know reassurance is bad but someone help a OCD brother out. It’s my first time posting.

Anónima

Date posted: 5y

Are you in therapy or familiar with the OCD therapy process?

Apparentlyit...

Date posted: 5y

I am in therapy, however, my therapist is very relaxed in his approach. I’m not very familiar with the therapy process though as I was always told you just have anxiety as a child but never knew it was actually ocd until 3 years ago

Anónima

Date posted: 5y

Everyone’s story is different, but at the core of hocd it seems like many common similarities are seen in your story (brain using past events as “evidence” to torture you, intrusive sexual thoughts / thoughts in general, constant repetition of same thoughts without any sort of solution, intense distress, arguing with brain, etc.) the list goes on, but you’re not alone. The interesting part is that this pain that you are experiencing can be managed with therapy and dedication. Are you familiar with ERP in regard to treating hocd? It’s tough, but it involves facing your fears and thoughts head on without doing compulsions (no analyzing, no overthinking, no following the thoughts/exploring their meaning, etc) basically in a nutshell purposely triggering yourself and then sitting with the discomfort without doing anything to push it away. The ocdla website has good in depth info about HOCD treatment. Also, both Jon Hershfield & Jonathon Grayson have amazing OCD workbooks that have helpful ERP scripts to use as well as more in depth info on HOCD and how to tackle it. Most of it comes from accepting uncertainty, “maybe I’m this sexuality, maybe I’m not, maybe I’ll never know. Oh well!” type of attitude. The OCD stories podcast is another awesome resource to have in your toolkit! I would recommend getting a head start on what ERP therapy consists of in order to tackle this head on. I promise it works! And it’s worth a try because being tortured by your mind daily is no way to live peacefully. Wishin you all the best

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