I don't know :( ..... there's just too much evidence and the urges feel so damn real. im so convinced at this point that i don't even know what i ACTUALLY want. even if i say i want boys, "what if i don't?" appears and my chest tightens

it's also because i lack experience with guys :(( i've always been afraid to date and always denied my feelings when i like someone. like idek if i liked those boys anymore honestly. i denied them until i got hocd and used them as evidence. i rlly feel like my case is different

I relate to this. I just got married yesterday but I have intense fears because I haven’t orgasmed or bc I don’t get like super wet w pics of muscular men

@wellwellwell Yeah same here.

@Klau It really sucks. Time and time again I’ve convinced myself it means I’m gay even though I feel attracted to men constantly, think about sleeping with them, etc. it’s annoying. I’m sure you understand, but damn does it suck!

@wellwellwell Yes, I really do. I only have had relationships with men, and to be honest it never ocurred to me to have with women. I haven’t even kissed a girl that way, if that makes sense to you. But I have had issued in bed, like I haven’t orgasmed and sometimes I was so concerened that I wasn’t even wet. To me that was evidence that I wasn’t women enough and that I must be gay. I don’t know if that’s the case, maybe we are. But what I have always experienced is an attraction to man that is like magnetic. I not sexual in context, I just love being with one. So, I don’t know how to explain it. There are some social interpretations of what you and I experince, I have found them in a blog. I might as well send you the link, but I don’t want to give you reassurence by any means.

@Klau I’m okay! I’m not very worried anymore to be honest. I don’t think I’m gay and I’ve decided if I was, I’m choosing to be with a Man I love. Ps having problems orgasming is pretty damn common

@wellwellwell How did you cope with the fact that you liked man even though you have these thoughts? Like, was it hard to decide getting married to a man at this point? I’m finding it hard to go out and date to be honest,as I keep thinking I’m lying to myself and others.

@Klau I’m in treatment and I’m on medication at the moment. I cannot recommend snough seeing someone and getting help. All I can ask is do you see a guy and wonder about sleeping with him/feel crushes and physical attraction to men

@wellwellwell I am going to the psichologist as well, but no medication for me, as he thinks is not that severe. I always thought that I did have crushes on man, but is not the kindI wanna sleep with him. Is more like he is so handsome, I wanna kiss him and be his girlfriend kind of stuff. On the other hand, I don’t see a woman and I feel like I wanna sleep with her either. I just feel arousal to female pictures and not male pictures, that’s the catch to my HOCD and the fact that I don’t feel that big need or arousal to sleep with a man( like I’m anxous I will not be good enough)

@Klau I feel like all my crushes were just platonic so now I'm scared. Also, I feel like I'm attracted to ever girl I see regardless of age which creeps me out.

@Klau I'm at a point where I honestly don't know what I want and it makes me sad because I feel like I'm in the c{word} -- triggering

@stars Why not do what your hurt tells you?! Start dating a guy you like and let your HOCD thoughts just be there as much as you can.

@Klau *heart

@Klau The thing is I don't know anymore. Everything feels forced and I can't do anything

@Klau I mean that definitely sounds like attraction to men though? And besides, when you’ve had sex, even though you may not have orgasmed, did you want to/feel excited about it?

@wellwellwell Yes, I think too that that sounds like attraction, just my HOCD don’t let me see it that way. When I’ve had sex there was time when I didn’t want to do it, like my partner intiated it, but afterwards I wanted to do it and I was exited. I just felt like I wasn’t good enough, wet enough, feeling enough. Like I was questioning everything, if you know what I mean.

@Klau I do. I think you are definitely getting in the way of your own attraction. I have an issue where I equate not orgasming to bad sex even if I liked it in the moment and suddenly I panic like I never experienced good sex even though I’ve had good experiences

@wellwellwell Exactly! I have had a relationship with a guy whom I really liked, and I was so into the sex I had with him. Like I really wanted the intimacy with him, but now my HOCD tells me I was lying to myself even in that case...

I'm 15... young

@stars You are very young. Although my first HOCD experience was when I was 13. At that time was not that severe, but now 15 years later is worse. I would recomend to tackle it now, so you don’t feel the way I do later. In my case I didn’t know I had it and I thought I was just confused about my sexuality and lesbian. I recomend you do ERP and also acept the fact that you may experience many feelings even towards the same sex and that doesn’t mean you are gay. It just means you are human. We should be mote opened towards ourselves and our feelings.

@Klau I'm so sorry about what you're going through, I'm glad you are still strong. And yes, I'm still pretty young and had multiple HOCD episodes before but they immediately went away. Now, it's back and full force. I honestly don't know who I am anymore and my past is just evidence at this point. I really appreciate your advice though and I hope you'll get better soon!!!