everything feels so forced in my relationship with my boyfriend. our love. our sex. our kisses. just everything. i overthink everything. like i know i wouldn’t be having sex with him if i was lesbian. and until these thoughts emerged i was loving our sex i was addicted. now it feels like i’m forcing myself to do it but i don’t know. our kisses feel different now, the thoughts always say “you should be kissing a girl not him” and it messes up the mood. i question if i do even love him at this point. i had a good relationship the first 2 months and then it just went downhill from there, it’s just so difficult i don’t know what to do. i feel like breaking up with him every single day and it makes me so sad i can’t even get up. what if i’m so depressed because i should be with a woman instead?? but why would i hate these thoughts. i don’t even get aroused by them as much anymore. but i can’t masturbate unless and actually cum unless i’m thinking of lesbian sex. it’s awful. i’m lost.

Also, if that’s all you use to masturbate and if you’ve been doing that since you were a kid, it may be harder for you bc that’s the only way you know how. I’ve heard that happens for people who have used porn heavily in the past. I am no expert but I recommend talking to your SO about sex and how you feel. You don’t need to be specific, just say you’d like to try out other things

yes, i’ve had harm ocd before.

@holley Okay use the way you would think about your fears there to help guide you here. This might seem more real to you but it’s just as absurd as the harm ocd you fought

@wellwellwell it just doesn’t seem absurd. i thought i was lesbian last year. the thoughts don’t even gross me out. do you want to hear my story?

@holley Do you think it will help you? Or will you be asking me for reassurance by telling me? I don’t want to be mean, I just don’t want you seek temporary relief by confessing to me. Also - you thought you were lesbian, but you love sex with the man you’re with. So? Doesn’t that mean you are attracted to men.

@wellwellwell that is true. it’s like hocd disregards all facts and logic yk?

@holley I get it. When I first started masturbating it was to pics of boobs. Then I got older, got boy crazy, and thought about being touched and doing things with boys. I can’t just get wet looking at a six pack, but I know I love my husband. I like sex with him, but I have a hard time orgasming due to so many factors. I’ve actually been upset over having crushes on other boys. Literally, ocd is a wildfire in your brain. Sexuality isn’t just what porn you like. It’s who you want to actively have sex with, kiss, etc. you’re being way too hard on yourself

@wellwellwell a cant orgasm either! i used to overthink about that a lot but just realized that that’s stupid to overthink that. my relationship with my boyfriend started out with sex, we were fuck buddies lol! i never overthought my sexuality the first two months. i had an intrusive thought while i was masturbating one day about a girl and it all started from that. the thought about her doesn’t really bother me anymore but the thought that i’m lesbian doesn’t distress me it’s losing my boyfriend over this dumb shit. he keeps reminding me the only way the thoughts would be true would be if i make them true which helps.

@holley This is textbook ocd. Also, having anxiety makes it a lot harder to orgasm. When you said you thought you were a lesbian, it sounds to me like another HOCD episode. I’m glad you’re open with your bf, my husband has been with me since the beginning of HOCD and it’s so good to have someone in my corner. I can tell you love him and I promise you can make it through. I’m rooting for you!!