Today is such a bad day. I feel so disgusted with myself. I just want to disappear from this world. A disturbing memory about a real event that happend last summer resurfaced and I'm just so, so lost. I'm such a terrible person. Earlier I gave a kiss to my little brother, had a sexual sensation which felt like arousal (I know, I have no limits) and then somehow I got excited by the feeling and kept kissing him because of the excitment feeling. There's so much to handle. I just can't do this anymore. I'm seeing my therapist in an hour but it's pointless, there is no way out for me. I just want to die. But I'm too much of a coward to do that.

It’s ok to make mistakes! Ocd tends to blow our mistakes out of proportion and make them seem worse than they are. I know ocd can be exauhsting but keep pushing through. When do you see your therapist next?

@Nikki1809 Thank you! I'm only seeing her next Thursday.

@corablue Ok. Is there any way you can reach out to her before then? Most therapy offices have an on call psychologist you can talk to. I have several times left a message for my psychiatrist.

@Nikki1809 also your welcome. ?

@Nikki1809 I'm afraid I can't reach out to her before then.

Please don't isolate yourself, its only gonna be worse for you, speaking from experience. Id say just stop, resist the urge

I would talk to your therapist about your suicidal thoughts next week, and see what she suggests. It’s possible that more intensive treatment might be what you need. (Not at all saying you need to be locked up, just that there might be more that can be done to help you). Please take care and stay safe. And no need to apologize this is a space to come ask for help.

Once again, thank you so much for all your support, guys. I know that I'm annoying and repeating myself most of the time, so I'm really thankful that you still care even though it's becoming frustrating. I'm not well at all. I feel miserable. It's bad to say this, but I really can't cope with this anymore.

@Nikki1809 We have made a plan together with my therapist to call a few crisis lines if and when needed but I really don't have the energy and mental strength for that.

@corablue When you say you can’t cope with this anymore what do you mean? Are you safe?

@Nikki1809 I would recommend calling if you feel you can’t keep yourself safe.

@Nikki1809 Yes, I'm currently safe. When I say I can't cope anymore I mean that I don't know how long I'll be able to feel and live like this until I decide that it's time to put an end. I'm so sorry. I really don't want you to feel bad for me.

@corablue No it’s ok, you’re not doing anything wrong. Hang in there. ❤️

@corablue I totally understand where you're coming from. Sorry for interjecting in the convo. I feel the same way. But we have to try our best to keep pushing through

@Nikki1809 Thank you!

@luchalysol Yes, I agree, but, unfortunately, I really don't know how to do it anymore. I've lost all my hope. There's really no way out for me. I'm sorry for the negativity. But I do wish you the best of luck, and I hope you find the strength to get better and to take care of yourself any time, no matter how hard it is.

@corablue Trust me that Ive felt the same way but we must keep fighting. Find that little ounce of hope that is left and please keep pushing. It doesn't have to be a huge push, but push nonetheless. I totally understand, just a few days ago I just couldn't anymore, but here I am. Please don't give up. We are here cheering for you and your recovery. I know its hard and I know it can feel like there is no way out, but please, just keep swimming ?

Your therapist is a ocd specialist? Please dont feel this way. I know its easier said then done, but dont give up. We all make mistakes, our past doesnt define us. We arent our past. Please hold on

Yes please stay safe and take care of yourself. Practice self care, try and be gentle with yourself. If there’s a way to get in contact with your therapist and let her know how your feeling she might be able to help.