I ask God over and over about something, hoping to hear back from Him with a word or picture. I will ask and ask and ask again. For example, I will pray- 'Jesus what does it mean to rest in you?' Then I will wait a few seconds, and ask again up to 8-10 times, changing the words in hope that works better. I get more and more upset and distressed as the time goes on. I feel it is my fault that I can't hear anything back, that I must not be close enough to God and not spending enough time with Him. I don't have an answer to my own post or question.. I just hope perhaps someone might be able to see the wood from the trees in my post and help me? ? Thank you NOCD community?

Hi friends. I recently had a relapse with OCD and I haven’t felt that real intense pain/fear/panic since I was first diagnosed 3 years ago. It was awful. I’ve been on medication and going to therapy for some time, and I am happy to report I have grown a lot. Long story short, it’s just become a burden for me recently trying to understand why this had to happen to me (and all of you). When I first started following Jesus, it was such a spiritual high. I had so much peace and joy, and I think within that first year with Him I became obsessed with the Bible and learning as much as I could. I think it was a sweet time, but suddenly a switch flipped. I became concerned that all my head knowledge, though I took to heart, became all I cared about. Then all the intrusive thoughts started, and you know the rest. I was relieved when I got my diagnosis, to know that scrupulosity is even a thing. But today, I sit and realize my OCD has taken on other forms (existential/fear of going insane) and then of course I started asking God “why me?”. And then… of course.. I feel bad for asking that. And then it triggered that same old feeling that I’m not in right standing with God. It’s so meta I can’t take it. Does anyone wonder why this had to be? I know the typical answers “we live in a broken world” and “God will use this for His glory” but is anyone just able to sit in that frustration, and work it out? I want to keep fighting, try understanding, like there’s this itch in me that I need to “figure out” something. But I know God isn’t the voice that’s speaking that to me. But gosh, it’s so brutal and hard. I believe God is carrying me through this. 2 Corinthians 12 has been a blessing for this. I just feel so weak. I get upset this is happening, start doubting God, and then feel guilty. It’s a stupid cycle and I see it. I have a very intellectual mind, and I find that most people with this kind of OCD share this trait. But it’s like, the logic doesn’t help. I just want God to sit in my bedroom and tell me it’s real, my faith is intact, and to keep trusting. I don’t know why He won’t do that for me, and I feel guilty for even feeling that way. Anyways, I don’t know what I’m seeking here, but for anyone feeling this way, know you’re not alone. I deeply love you all, even though we are all strangers. 1 Peter 5:9… right?

I put a trigger warning because I will be discussing themes of end of times. I feel like I'm not following God's will. God knows ultimately that things were going to speed up end of times wise. A few months ago, I had a random thought to call someone I had affected with past sin and apologize to him although I did not know he was there, my sin affected him. I know he deserves an apology, but I chalked it up to ocd and treated it as such for months fast forward to now I feel like I'm completely against God. Horrifying. It's a complex situation I caused and therefore though I know he deserves an apology I'm really scared as I created a mess of things. I've been praying that God help certain things come to fruition so I could be exposed and help minister to others if that's what He's calling me to do but no answer. Instead horrible images and thoughts and feelings of doom. I see signs to apologize everywhere. I'm at my wits end. Because I tend to get ahead of myself I asked two family members and they said don't and then I see things that say Though people in your life mean well, don't go based on what they say only what God says. I tell God to do His will and I'll follow, do you think He'll listen. I even told Him I straight up don't want to do it, not because He doesn't deserve one, but because last time I apologized to someone else I didn't do it right and it was messy. I feel so evil, like a wolf in sheep's clothing. I also remember looking up morbid things for what???? Only to be disturbed pray about it and leave by why search it up again? I also fantasized alot about guys I've been single forever, late 20s now, I'm trying to go to church and my crush is there and I try to stop thinking about him because I know it's delusional but the thoughts don't leave. I'm so tired I want to stop but stop what? Living? I want to stick to God as close as possible. I'm going crazy.

I don't know what's happening me recently, I was lukewarm and this year I've tried to get closer to God I feel distant from God and like even if I pray there's something I'm missing I read the bible everyday and pray everyday but Recently like in the Span of 3 or 4 weeks I feel off. And it keeps changing what it is like before when I would pray I kept getting loads of thoughts every time distracting me and loads of disrespectful thoughts and it was hard to pray and OCD and intrusive thoughts all the time but it was getting worse only when I prayed. And I feel like different things are going on distracting me and I keep failing the past 2 or 4 days I've been even more distant from God im tryna change that today but I feel like something is missing also that I feel God has been telling me possibly unless I'm overthinking that my heart is hardened and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm still lukewarm and what to do to be Born again, And I don't know if I'm giving my whole heart to God I want to but if I'm not then Idk how? And also I think my heart is hard in another way too like this distance and me failing God I feel sad but I can't even cry and my dog aswell I feel so bad for him he had had fleas for 10 months and treatment and shampoos didn't work and I think it's kind of my fault for letting him on carpets and my bed since I feel so bad for him because hd doesn't like to be alone and one of my little sisters has so many bites from fleas on her and it's my fault. I can't do anything right, and he is not eating enough because I don't have enough food for him right now and he's not even eating full meals I have no dog food left and my parent said I can't buy any right now but I've been forgetting to feed him sometimes because I've been tryna focus on getting closer to God but I'm failing everything, I don't know what to I feel bad for my dog too he's been my best friend since 2018 but I can't even cry when I feel bad. I also keep worrying if I'm lying to myself that I care or faking everything idk something says that in my head sometimes, But my mum said to me in an arguement in 2024, "Are you really that heartless?" I don't know what to think anymore I think I am. It feels like I have no control over my heart. I'm sorry I keep rambling about random stuff, the way I explained this is probably like a 3 year old sorry. I'm 15 btw