hi everyone. really seeking just some compassion and understanding right now from people who understand what it’s like. I think yesterday I truly hit one of my lowest points struggling with OCD and anxiety, and I let myself sit in the moment which was anything but productive. my intrusive thoughts were getting worse and worse post break up with my now ex boyfriend who was open about his self harm in the end of our relationship which caused me intense stress and worry. constantly, for the past few weeks I’ve been concerned that I’d get the call that he killed himself. I hadn’t heard from him in a week or so, and last night I acted on my intrusive thoughts for the first time in a very very very long time. it hurt, not physically, but emotionally because the dark things I think were coming to life because everything I’d ever overthink about actually came true. this morning, I woke up and was thinking about how the world keeps going without me and I got overwhelmed thinking about the fact that I couldn’t get myself under control. I ditched the plan I had to not talk to my ex unless he reached out to me because of the point I was at, and it ended poorly. I expected at least some compassion because he knows me, but I was just met with anger towards me and he blocked me. I know I made a mistake, but my thoughts have gotten out of control and I am completely physically drained from my anxiety. I’m frustrated that I keep ruining things around me. I’ve already made an appointment with a therapist (the earliest I could get was in 2 weeks), but I’m not sure what to do in the meantime. I’m so exhausted from my thoughts alone and am out of ideas.

Hey! If you need to talk I’m here!

Doesn't sound like you ruining things, maybe just making a mistake in terms of your own mental health. Your ex openly self harmed, it put you under a lot of stress and you reached out against your better judgement to check on him. Sure, it may have been a compulsion which you should try to resist but you didn't damage anyone or do something unfair and unkind. If he responded badly, by piling blame on you or being rude and aggressive and having no compassion, those are his bad behaviours, his view isn't likely to be an accurate reflection of reality. I get where you're coming from with overthinking/doing compulsions so much that it ends up creating the conditions for the bad thing to happen. I've also been through a relationship where I was constantly worried about my partner because he was a drug addict, dealer, etc, and whilst he now thanks me for keeping him in and safe as much as I could, it's still a big regret and I can actually see in retrospect that my suffering and sacrifice wasn't appropriate. It's good that you have an appointment coming up, my main advice for the meantime would honestly be to try to keep your mind off it. It feels unstable and niggly and yes causes a lot of anxiety itself, but quitting rumination as much as possible by putting your focus on something which aligns with who you want to be and the kindness and safety you want to give and feel, really does help things to get better. I have OCD themes with a trauma link (sounds like there is a link for you too) which consist of unanswered questions and situations without closure, which are always there in the background. But my life and my thinking time don't revolve around them anymore, and I've started to come to the conclusion that I need to come to terms with the discomfort not scratching that itch, and prioritise living a life I'm proud of and being a WAY I'm proud of despite it.

I'm so sorry, the thoughts can be draining i know