False memories What do I do?? I keep asking for advice, for help, for a miracle.... I don't know what to do. Ocd destroyed my life. It took my joy. It took me everything. I have false memories regarding having sex with my dog and abusing a child. It is destroying me. I just want to kill myself... I am in too much pain. Sexual themed ocd started because I started masturb- (which happened by accident). It made me a monster. I feel like such a sexual deviant. I want to die....... But I don't want anyone to mourn my death....

MentallyDrained

Date posted: 5y

Take a deep breath and consider this: pedophiles believe that abusing children is okay. Animal abusers believe that abusing animals is okay. You do not believe that either of these things are okay. I know how you feel, trust me. I have HOCD. I worry that I’m bisexual even though it’s against my nature (I’m not homophobic, it just doesn’t sit right with me. I want to be in a relationship with a man. That’s what makes me happy. Being in a relationship with a woman makes me feel uncomfortable. Regardless, I still suffer from it). OCD is a monster. If you don’t feed the monster, the monster will die. You must digest these thoughts and let them be. Don’t investigate them. Don’t try to prove anything. I know that it’s difficult and draining. I understand...but you’re here for a reasons. There are people that love you. Don’t leave them. Please don’t.

myocdstory

Date posted: 5y

Thank you... I'm really sorry if I worried you... I'm just really afraid I did something wrong you know? I don't think I did. I don't actually remember it. These are just images masked as memories - atleast, that is what I want to believe. I'm just afraid... The child thing, I have some proof that I didn't do anything wrong. (the child herself liked me so it's very unlikely I did anything wrong). My dog... I don't know what to believe. She can't tell me if I did something or not. It's hell... About sexual orientation OCD, I have been there and believe me things get better. I've suffered from it too, I still do but it's much less. Human sexual orientation is a big question mark. No one is 100% straight nor gay. Everyone is at least a bit bisexual. Does it make sense? It's not to trigger you but it's to tell you that if you are 0,1 percent bi, your ocd is making it a huge deal!! It's awful I know but you'll get better. I did

MentallyDrained

Date posted: 5y

@myocdstory Thank you. I appreciate your response. I also get false memories about people I used to be in contact with/people I’ve seen e.g. did I fancy them when I was younger and that’s why I used to watch that movie a lot? The thing about false memories is that they are reliant on our own brains. As you know, with OCD, your brain is the cause. Therefore, you are fighting your brain with your brain. It’s an endless battle.

myocdstory

Date posted: 5y

@cmt9329 It's just too tiring, you know? I'm really afraid it's the truth

MentallyDrained

Date posted: 5y

@myocdstory Yeah, I get you 100%. It’s tiring because you’re constantly fighting with your own mind and the fight you’re having won’t stop until you sleep or distract yourself. Both of them things seem almost impossible when you’ve got OCD; you’re worrying yourself so much that you can’t sleep or distract yourself. I guarantee you that it’s not the truth and when we both come to terms with that, we’ll be happy, healthy and safe in our own minds and bodies. It’s just hard to recognize that we’ve been straight all along because we still have “what if’s.”

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

Do you feel like you're in immediate danger?

myocdstory

Date posted: 5y

No, please don't worry... I do have suicidal tendencies but I'm nowhere near of attempting something. I'm really sorry for this.... I'm just overwhelmed right now. Worried. I'm tired of dealing with this false memories not knowing if they are actually false or not.

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

@myocdstory No need to apologize. I've probably felt how you feel. I even spent 4 days in a psych ward over my thoughts and feelings. Just know that I'm thinking of you and pulling for you ☺.

myocdstory

Date posted: 5y

@Ben84 Thank you so much.... ❤️❤️❤️

morty

Date posted: 5y

I can relate that. I like to slap my friend's ass to say hello. But when there were girls around, I will doubt my memory, "if I slaped the ass of a girl instead of my friends?" I know it's impossible but the fear make it so real. And I will ask my friends for reassurance, "did I slap your ass when I met you yesterday?", And this kind of reassurance makes me shameful! So you are not alone.

myocdstory

Date posted: 5y

I completely know what you mean... I'm really sorry you are going through that...

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