I often get these urges to begin my life again by engaging in a long and complicated “just right” series of compulsions. I keep trying my best to not give in because this has cost me jobs in the past!! It is so difficult (nearly impossible) to resist.

There is no underlying fear that compels you to do the cleaning or touching rituals? What do you fear would happen if you did not do the compulsive routine?

@Fear Strikes Out I do not fear anything bad happening. I just feel this intense disgust with myself and it can drive me into a full depression and not wanting to live.

@ashco Do you think that the disgust experienced is commensurate with the uncleanliness of your apartment? I am guessing that you might say that it is probably not. Sounds like this behavior is used as a form of avoidance whenever you feel strongly anxious, disgusting, etc.

@Fear Strikes Out I think that I do the compulsions to wipe the slate clean, to feel brand new, and to feel “perfect.” There are a lot of emotions that lead up to this like disgust with myself and my life, anger at my making mistakes, everyday negative emotions from normalish triggers, and etcetera. I wish that I could accept the truth of the human experience and that there is no such thing as absolute perfection. The compulsions are truly an addiction. When I do not give in, I feel gross. I liken it to the feeling of when I used to eat when I was severely anorexic (no longer). When I do give in (like when I restricted), I feel euphoric. Yet, the cost could be my job!! :(

@ashco So the compulsions represent a metaphoric cleansing of the mind? Underneath all of the desire for perfection lies considerable shame and feelings of worthlessness. What are some of the triggers that result in this cleansing behavior?

@Fear Strikes Out Thank you for your questioning. I would agree with you and I even compiled a list of about 20 strong triggers. I have a column for the triggers and then a counter thought/coping strategy column. It only kind of helps. Some of my stronger triggers are taking any shortcuts (laziness), my being mean or angry with my boyfriend (even if he deserves it haha!), having stomach pains, what I consume, varying from a very strict routine, and several others. Writing them down helps a bit, but I wake up every morning and want to throw in the towel and begin again. I last did the ritual on July 12 and am on day 16 (which is long). I have not lasted past day 19 in over a year. The problem is also that this has evolved to where I give up AND start drinking excessively and sleeping the day away until I restart again. I do not drink at all otherwise. It is almost like I let go completely and even “self harm” because I am not really in my life if I will be starting over. I have to somehow have more self-compassion, realistic expectations, and acceptance of leave good enough alone. It is so damn hard!!!

I have been managing my OCD quite well the last four years. I participate occasionally in this group to try to support others learning to manage their OCD. My past themes have been mostly perfectionism, just right, and good/bad numbers.

Definitely a combination of ERP, ACT, and mindfulness. Whenever I find myself going into that rabbit hole of rumination, I force myself back into the present via mindfulness. ACT has helped me to focus on the opportunity costs associated with performing compulsions in lieu of doing something that is more meaningful to me. It also has taught me about the importance of self-compssion.