"(pocd) sexual fantasies" TW: pocd, false memories, sexual language Info: 23, F, diagnosed with OCD - - - - - - - - I used to create fictional people to randomly to satisfy sometimes my romantic fantasies but mostly my masturb- sessions. I don't know how to explain this without sounding disgusting... I am so afraid that these "thoughts" expressed predatory or even r-pe behavior. I really don't know how... "Intimacy" (I mean intercourse) works between girls... I have heard a few things but I really don't know so I kinda imagined it with some logic and the few information I had... Most of my first (masturb-) fantasies, I took a more passive role... If you know what I mean (I apologise for not being too explicit) - these involved mature men or women with strong leading personalities. But after a while, I started imagining myself in a more "active" role (giving, instead of receiving, if that makes sense), being more confident... Thinking back, I believe the point of this was because I was so scared to be the active one (if that ever happened in the future) so I started practicing to be more "active" in my mind, the one who "takes control of the situation" (being the "top", in lack of a better word) - which led me to have fantasies where I was the one to lure the other person, to make her feel confortable, to led her to engage in intimacy with me. This all feels manipulation to me now (or sexual pressure). I would never force anyone to have s-x with me. But these fantasies of me being confident and "smooth with the ladies" (not a cheater of course... Just being more the confident in the relationship) make me feel predatory and even led me to think about r-pe. And it's not all... But me being more "masculine" (I apologise for employing this awful term) in these fantasies, I often thought of the other woman being shorter than me, more feminine, more cute, sweeter, acute voice, round/soft physical features, more young looking (which are traits I associate with children). At the time, that triggered my POCD but I (tried to) dismiss those thoughts. I wish I hadn't, now I regret them entirely… In conclusion, whenever I was the "top" in those past fantasies (I'm so sorry if this is the wrong term), the other women were more "child-like". A visual example would be those sweet typical anime girls... Not the overly exaggerated ones but the sweetness and "nervousness" of one. If it makes sense. In the following paragraph, I will reveal a particular fantasy (the one that is bothering me a lot) I had which happened two years ago: In this one, I'm taking an active role in this one (the one "touching") - so I lure her and make her confortable enough to let me undress her and touch her intimately. My problem is because she is the "bottom" (again, apologies for the awful terminology), I imagined her to be a sweet, shy lady, shorter than me, with a cute/sweet voice... (I'm average-tall) so I'm afraid this was a child instead of a woman because I didn't imagine her body per se (I don't have a body type nor she had a detailed face - everything was fairly blurry/not defined) but since she had child like features (both personality, height - she almost seemed to be the stereotypical sweet anime girl), I'm so afraid that I actually fantasized with a child. I must add that I was already struggling with pocd in this episode (and many other) and the entire time I was like "this is fine. She's the same age as me. I'm not doing anything wrong." I wished I hadn't fight it - I wished I had simply avoid having these fantasies instead. This is the one I'm most afraid of because it involves taking the virginity of the other person and so it's more perverted. I don't remember the face I gave her or even the body type. Everything is hazy and I'm making the worse possible outcomes. Another thing I should had is that I fantasized this "story" a few times (maybe a lot)... And it's the one who's giving me the most disgust right now (today) because I'm so afraid it was a indeed a child. *I can't shake the feeling that I did something wrong!! That I fantasized with a child… I'm terrified…* I remember two versions of this fictional person. 1st she was 5"4 (kind of), long straight brown hair, dark eyes, serious expression, lean figure but still a sweet person. 2nd had the same height but short blonde curly hair, blue eyes, soft expression and round-face features, curvy body, sweet voice and still sweet. The second one is the one that is bothering me at all because she is the child-like fictional person that I've been obssessing about. I even tried to make a sketch of her face: https://www.instagram.com/p/CAHW1yyAjio/?igshid=t5hcl34za0f3 I'm so sorry for the horrible art so here's a picture of an actress that would resemble her the most (you just need to add the curly blonde hair). Her name is Molly Quinn and she appeared on Castle TV show: https://images.app.goo.gl/DVNyEQREVDi6CqAm8 (all links are safe. I promise.) I sometimes think (now) that, during the fantasy, she would appear younger… (as if she appeared 15 or younger) but At the time, I was afraid she was a late teens (16-17). At the time, I even tried to pay no attention to it. "it's my mind playing tricks. She's an adult." but… Now… I fear that she looked too young to be an adult… and more like a young teen with 13-14 (I don't know). I don't exactly know what she looked like… i don't remember everything and even back then, she didn't have much details too. She was fictional. Created in the moment. But… I feel terrible and frighten that she really was a teen or worse due to my "choices of facial characteristics that day". Doll-like… I feel such a pervert think back at this particular fantasy, not only because of the person but also the story. And I can't remember for the life of me how she looked like exactly. It was almost like, She had a different face every few moments... I didn't decide what I wanted. She was simply nothing in concrete. She sometimes appeared older, others younger... Hopefully because of my OCD. This whole thing seemed more like an anime… Where everything is weird and out of proportion. (big eyes and whatnot) The goal of the fantasy was: I just wanted a sweet lady with soft features for this fantasy… I don't know how teens look like… Not even adults. I don't notice… I truly don't care about my surroundings. Sometimes I notice a beautiful person and I wished I looked like that.. Or I want to draw that person (yes I like to draw) I'm a very passive person (in terms of personality)... I would never flirt or be "smooth with the ladies" nor I want to! (I just want to flirt with my girlfriend) Honestly, I always felt uncomfortable when someone liked me or even when someone else was more "flirty" with me... Just… No. My fantasies never involved anything dangerous (they were simple and nothing too weird, just a little bit, I think). But I'm really scared they might mean something bad. There's a lot of things I need to mention. To make this post more organized. Things I know for certain that it happened: - both fictional existed. And sometimes they would trade during parts of the fantasy... Ask my brain, I don't know why it would exchange. - the fantasy story, I remember. The luring, the undress, the touching, etc. - the constant "she's an adult" compulsion. I even imagined her in college. - back then, I thought "p" was attraction to anyone under 18 so I feared they were teens not exactly children. Things I'm not certain of: - I do think this second person is sort of a false memory. She did pop up in the fantasies but I don't remember when during the fantasy she appeared on. - I'm not sure... But a few days ago, I had the vague idea that, when this happened, I erased her faces so they wouldnt have a age. Again, I'm not sure! - I don't remember their faces and I don't remember what they looked like but I fear to have had fantasies by mistake thinking she was an adult but looked too young to be young... This could also be a false memory when wondering what happened... I have no idea what teens and young adults look like... When I was 14, I looked like a kid... Now, 14 y.o. Look like 17,18.... People even think I'm underage for the way I look... They assume I'm 15-17, when I'm 23, almost 24! I'm not joking... - this is a memory of a thought... I don't remember anything at all despite a few details... I know that fantasies or thoughts don't represent what we want. But I feel so bad... And scared. I have been thinking that, I'm a odd person who developed sexuality in a weird way. Until I had 16-17, I was asexual with zero interest in s-x but by that age, my interest on the topic increased and I began to have sexual fantasies [I started masturb- when I turned 20 (which happened by accident)]. Even my therapist found this odd. I was also mentally sexually abused by a family member (not physically). So I'm afraid that my weird development somehow contributed for me to be a "p". At it baffles me that I used to fantasize with strong, confident women and then move over to shy, cute woman... What happened? Did my tastes changed? Or was I merely trying something new? Did I become a "p"? Like I previously mentioned, I already suffered from POCD when these fantasies occurred (but this was during a good phase where I was like "I'm not a p") and I vaguely remember that the spike of fear interfered with some of them, which ultimately made me go into the reassurence-compulsion spree. The “I’m not a p”. My problem is I don’t remember which ones made me go into anxious mode… and I’m afraid that the one I described with most detail was NOT one of them. I also want to add that, two years ago, I thought the term “p” involved anyone under 18… and I was afraid the women I was fantasying with were not adults but late teens… but of course there’s doubt… and I may in fact fantasized with children. Update! (June 27th, 2020) I had an intrusive thought about this fictional girl in particular today and she seemed much younger in that thought and I'm panicking if she was actually 14 or something... I'm such a monster... I don't want to like 14 y.o.! It pisses me off that now 14 yo look much older than in "my time", some look older than me! People still think I'm lying when I say I'm an adult! I'm 23! I have so much difficulty in seeing people's ages... Update! (July 26th, 2020) I thought I had overcomed this. Today, once again, I got scared that I may have had fantasized (on purpose) with a fictional person 13-15 yo. This blonde fictional person, I think it's a false memory. I do have memory of her. I remember her. But when I was trying to determine whether or not she appeared in my fantasies, well, false memories MAY have appeared. I say "may" because this is a strong false memory. So strong that I didn't realize it could be a false memory until 1.5 month and half ago. Here are some reasons why I think this fictional person has a few shaky memories or why I think she wasn't 13-15. - again, there was 2 fictional people I was fantasizing about. One was brunette, long straight hair, skinny, short but serious expression. The other was sort of a virus/intrusive thought... I have little remembrance of her and how she fits in the story. She was blonde, short curly hair, blue eyes, chubby, short, baby face, light expression (you can see the drawing I made of her). - at the time this happened, I was attempting to fantasizing with adults but my brain wasn't letting it. I even gave them a background story how both of them were in college (in my country, you can only attend college if you're 17 or up) - when this happened, I thought "p" was anyone under 18 so I was scared that I was fantasizing with people that were 16-17, not under 15! (I also think I should mention that they had full developed bodies) And I have proof of that. This is a small portion of a letter I sent to someone, explaining my disease. (this was wrote September/October last year before false memories became a symptom): http://imgur.com/a/YuAalFL - I don't remember what my memories were of the sexual fantasy before the rumination. Now, the blonde one appears everywhere. And I'm not sure if she used to appear at all. - I have the vague memory that I erased her faces in order to not think I was fantasizing with a teen. But I really am not sure about this one... I could be lying to myself. **What I'm scared of?** That I fantasized on purpose with a 13-15 year old when I was 21-22 when this happened... I don't deserve forgiveness and I should be dead.