Self harm and suicide trigger warning - - - - So I did it again. I don't really feel anything. As I hurt myself I put myself down "I'm only doing this for attention" as I proceed to keep it to myself. I can't get over the shame and the guilt. I need serious help. I hate myself the most for having bodily responses to the intrusions. It if were just thoughts and images then maybe I would have reached out for help. But I'm in too deep. The moment I would mention "feelings of arousal" most people will take this as confirmation that I'm a pedophile despite me never having had these thoughts before. I am passively suicidal. I wish something would kill me. A heart attack, a car accident, cancer, anything. I am so tired.

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

Know that even if you're not actively suicidal you can still call the hotline or use their online chat feature. It might help you to hear a human voice right now. They may not "understand" your OCD but you don't have to tell them everything anyway.

Morpheus 75

Date posted: 5y

I've been through this when I was 17. I realised that fear was the trigger, the more I felt guilty, the more I felt bad and anxious, the more "feelings of arousal" were stuck deep into myself. It was really intensely awful, so I decided to fight it. Literally I mean each situation I was afraid about I face it. Easy to say once we're out of this but I suffered a lot from this and it was that that worked for me.

ihatemyocd

Date posted: 5y

Can you go into more detail about how you overcame this?

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

There is help for you. Are you seeing a therapist or have access to therapy? Therapists who work with ocd will have worked with people with pocd before and will understand. Also when you want to self harm you can call hotlines, even if you aren’t actively suicidal.

ihatemyocd

Date posted: 5y

I do not have access to therapy. I am on my own in this.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@ihatemyocd Sometimes hotlines have resources for mental health centers that are less expensive or covered by the government.

Morpheus 75

Date posted: 5y

Yes of course here are my tips. So, when I was younger I was afraid of being homosexual, then pedophilia (the higher step). I suffered intensely for like two years fighting against my thoughts, and the feeling of being attracted (the power of OCD, it's something!). Then I realise that, my fears did some tricks to me. I realised that the more I was afraid, the more I was certain to act badly toward someone in a sexual way (niece, little girl, little boy, nephew, cousins' daughters, etc, my mom or my aunt everybody it was unfair and horrible to think about, I thought about). Then I did realise I was always fighting for it and yet all my energy to get rid of it served nothing but increase the sensations. I decided then to upside-down my attacks. Each situation I was afraid about I face it. I was afraid to carry my cousin's daughter onto my lap ? "Let's do this! " Afraid of keeping my niece or nephew? "Got it!" Afraid of laying my hands onto the thighs of a child who wanted to sit upon me, by fear of feeling something ? "Done!" Each time I did it, it was a way to say to my fears to GO to HELL, and it worked really well and I knew it would work because my FEAR was the trigger. It was logical. The worst enemie is your fear, not your "arouses". If you were really aroused, you wouldn't be into this website.

Anonymous

Date posted: 24w

Intentional intrusive thoughts during pleasure and masterbation

Hey guys today I just wanted to come here and share an experience I have and I generally don't know what to do I feel like a terrible person for having these thoughts and for thinking them I genuinely don't know what to do I don't know the signs behind it and why I think the way I do but it's honestly driving me crazy I don't know what to do I have a pornography addiction for a long time it's where it's like anytime I'm an intimate moment or am masturbating my head just thinks these weird things always the same repetitive thoughts to of family members your younger sibling or a young child I myself am a 17 year old and I feel so disgusted I feel like I can't live my life anymore I feel like I'm a criminal cuz like it feels like I chose this these thoughts like I actively think them I don't know the signs behind it and I just really need professional help if there's any like therapist here that could fill me in that would be nice I would also like to know if you guys had any similar experiences because for me I feel like I have to rewatch pornography and do it right without the thoughts cuz I feel like the thoughts are just like to prevalent anytime I do anything related to masturbation why do I think this way I'm also just trying to be as honest as I can with this I'm not trying to make myself I guess a victim I'm trying to hold myself accountable if I actually am like this because I also have doubts in my head that tells me that I enjoy these things I feel like I'm going crazy someone help because it feels so real like I acted on them or that I was pleasuring myself to the thoughts and not towards the video it's just how can I live with myself you know also during it it felt like I was thinking the thought for a long period of time like it was dominating my head so I couldn't focus it felt l

Anonymous

Date posted: 23w

My brain hates me (18+)

It’s like my brain is doing everything in its power to convince myself and also justify an attraction to teenagers. I hate myself. I don’t want to be this person, but what if I don’t have a choice. How do I get these thoughts out of my head permanently. I feel like my life will never be the same if they don’t leave forever. I can’t tell what is a real desire and what OCD is trying to convince me is a real desire. I can’t do this every day for the rest of my life. I don’t want to hurt anyone, or I don’t think I do but how do I even tell anymore. This might not even be OCD at this point, I can’t separate my thoughts from OCD thoughts I think because I’ve had OCD for so long so it all just feels like me. Maybe it is me. TMI but I haven’t pleasured myself in like a week because my libido is so low now, I don’t want to do it with these thoughts.

andrea_sam730

Date posted: 22w

I’m so tired I just wanna be free

I know I keep talking about This but I’m too tired :( I’m really struggling and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I might be the only person who experiences this in the way I do. It’s gotten so bad that during intimacy or self-pleasure, I feel like I’m acting on a thought — like my body is moving because of it. It’s terrifying and deeply hurtful. The moment it happens, I immediately panic, try to rewind everything in my head, and ruminate to figure out what I was thinking at that exact second… but I can never remember. That makes it even worse. feel so lost and hopeless, like I’ll never be able to heal or move on from this. People tell me “it’s just OCD,” but it doesn’t feel like OCD to me. It feels like I’m the exception — like no one else truly experiences it like this, especially the part where it feels like I physically responded to a thought. I know people say “others go through this too,” but my mind keeps saying, “not like this, not this specific thing.”Sometimes I just wish I could go back and relive those moments so I could be sure what happened, but I know that’s not possible. I feel so stuck in guilt and doubt that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m scared I’m a bad person and that I’ll always feel this way. I’ll never be free or be the same again everyday I live with deep depression

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