Pocd- This condition is something I live with it, everyday. I have this crap for 3 years but I only was diagnosed with ocd last year, so for 2 years I thought I was a "p" until I discovered it could be a symptom of ocd. I did somethings in the past that I regret. And because I didn't know I suffered from ocd, I didn't know how to react or what to do, if it makes sense. My disease began in 2017. And it was fairly mild back then. It was a on/off thing. For 2 weeks, my symptoms were activated, I was depressed, sad, anxious, etc. During the off period which was normally months, I would say "I'm not a p. That's impossible" but the disease would stay numb. Unfortunately, my ocd exploded exactly 1 year ago. In to proportions that I never experienced. There's a few stories from my past that are so filled with doubt about what I felt and what I did because I am so afraid I might have been a "p" during these 2 years that my disease was numb. That's how the disease works... Doubt, doubt, doubt. Guilt guilt guilt. I wish my ocd had exploded from the beggining. If it had been this strong from the beginning, I'd have avoided certain things that now I wouldn't be feeling doubtful and guilty over. Fortunately, this past year is well writeen in my head and I know that I didn't do anything wrong in middle 2019- present. However, 2017 and 2018 are very erased in my head. And I'm afraid I did things I have no remembrance over or that I simply am lacking details of. I wish I could erase this 2 years completely. I wouldn't be planning my suicide. I even went to 2 therapists who were little help... Unfortunately....

*concerned

There's not ocd specialists in my country and I can't indulge in therapy right now because I have been pretending I'm ok.

@myocdstory Do you feel like you're in immediate danger?

@Ben84 No, no. Please don't worry. I'm simply... Concerned that some things might be true.

@myocdstory Okay. Planning your suicide is a concerning sign. Know that, even if you're not actively suicidal you can call the hotline. Having a human voice to talk things over could be beneficial. You don't have to tell them anything you don't want to. Just because they may not "understand" your OCD doesn't mean they can't empathize with your feelings about it.

@Ben84 I agree. It’s definitely something that you should reach out for help for. What country do you live in?

@Ben84 I just think I'm better off dead... I don't know what else to do. I don't want to continue living knowing I was a piece of shit.

@Nikki1809 Portugal. Please don't worry about me. I don't deserve kindness.

@myocdstory What I'm hearing is a lot of shame. I try not to worry about anything, but I am concerned. You deserve as much kindness as anyone else.

@Ben84 Thank you but... I feel like I don't deserve it...

@myocdstory For the sake of argument, let's say you don't deserve it. I'm giving it to you anyway. Some might call it grace ☺.

@Ben84 You are too kind...

@myocdstory I’m concerned for your wellbeing. I did a quick google search for ocd treatment in Portugal and found a place called NovaVida recovery centre in Algarve, Portugal that has an ocd treatment program. You might find better google results closer to your area. Or you can look up this place and ask for information about treatment in your area and see if they know anything.

@Nikki1809 https://novavidarecovery.com/programmes/obsessive_compulsive_disorders.php

@Nikki1809 I know that program but it's too far away from me, unfortunately

@myocdstory It’s possible if you talk to them they can link you to resources closer to where you live. Either way I encourage you to stay safe and take care of yourself, and if you need to call a hotline please do.

@Nikki1809 I've done that in the past. They don't help at all, unfortunately. And I will thank you!

@myocdstory That sucks. Do have any resources for self help? I found this. It links to all kinds of worksheets. I know a lot of people suggest watching Ali Graymond, I’ve never watched her but she might be helpful. https://www.get.gg/docs/OCDselfhelp.pdf This is from the iocdf https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/expert-opinion-self-directed-erp/ There’s always hope, even when your brain tells you there isn’t.

@Nikki1809 Thank you so much! ❤️

@myocdstory No problem ❤️