Tw: pocd, romantic fantasies (23, F) OK... So a few years ago I created a character. I used to enjoy to create original characters and just have fun and this was one of my favorites. (I was 20 when I created her) I don't remember the age I gave her, to be honest. I think it was 15-16. Im not sure... Unfortunately. I think she was 15 in her away to 16. She was a light spirit but very mature for her age, personality wise. Not long after I started imagining that she had a crush on another character that was based on me and vice versa. But this self-based character was in love on her older brother (who was 19). Moving on... Later on, I started having romantic fantasies with this character. Nothing sexual. Just flirting and one kiss. And despite at the time being 21,22, I imagined to be again in high school (17) and her ofc (15-16). I feel terrible... At the time I didn't notice how bad this could be. 15!! Seh was 15! I just... Ugh- I didn't have a crush on her because of her age but because I liked her personality.... Idk. It wasn't a huge crush. It was nothing sexual because I never imagined myself having anything with anyone under 18 (unless it was an intrusive thought which has happened).. I feel ashamed and embarrassed and I feel like the worse disgusting piece of shit out there... I don't know what to do. I'm so gross...

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

"I feel ashamed and embarassed..." I don't see anything wrong with labeling these emotions. " I'm so gross" This is where I'd like to stop you. This is shame talking. Btw I still like you ☺!

myocdstory

Date posted: 5y

Thank you... I just feel like a monster. I'm tired of feeling ashamed.

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

It seems like you're attaching a lot of meaning to something you imagined. Often people with OCD misinterpret thoughts in consistent ways. Here's a list of the most common thinking errors http://www.jabramowitz.com/uploads/1/0/4/8/10489300/cognitive_distortions_in_ocd.doc can you identify the ones you're using?

[Deleted]

Date posted: 5y

Comment deleted by user

myocdstory

Date posted: 5y

I'm on meds and I can't get therapy right now... Im slowly losing my mind because I can't cope with this anymore. I have to pretend I'm ok around my parents

myocdstory

Date posted: 5y

@tella4 It's hard. I'm not American. Therapy here sucks (no ocd specialists except one 300 miles away). I don't have a credit card so no online therapy. I'm limited for the things I read and the fighting. I have to fight alone. I vent here and reddit to gain some strength... I know it's a compulsion but I don't do it everytime I feel bad, just whenever I feel really bad. My meds are anti anxiety but they barely work.

myocdstory

Date posted: 5y

@tella4 Plus, online therapy is Hella expensive for my expenses and my dad controls my money.

myocdstory

Date posted: 5y

@tella4 I have tried it! But I'm probably doing something wrong because I feel the same

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond