Just a quick anxiety episode: I just posted some hw for a psychology class and I think I did a pretty good job. Its been 5 yrs of college and I know my brain is burned out at this time & my expression has been okay at most. I dont ever care about 'likes' or replies but i looked to see how many people commented on my assignment. None. I posted my hw earlier & we all have to reply to 2 others in the class. Then i look over at another student's work and its nicely formated & neat. 4 replies. Suddenly, this anxiety kicks in....her's is better than mine......im not enough....my work is not enough......im not enough.....I know for SURE how to become a better writer. I know how to better my abilities, I know how they've included examples and the text and I know im stressed with finals but this feeling under my rib cage is soft but there. I think, just deep down inside.....whwn faced with my best or 90%, somehow, someway, i dont ever feel adequate.

I'm in college and about an hour ago i had class. I like to sit alone bc I get a bunch of stupid intrusive harm thoughts. Anyway I couldn't focus AT ALL today. This girl decided to sit next to me and I wanted to ESCAPE. Like i desperately wanted to get up and leave to the bathroom and wait till class was over. I took a deep breath and stayed anyways and tried to focus on lecture but i kept getting so many thoughts and I kept hyperfocusing on my right hand (which was next to her) and my hand felt so weird! Like tingly?? I was like "omg why is my hand feel so weird?? Does that mean i want to do something?!" And it kept imagining me grabbing at her or grabbing my drink and throwing it on her while i was trying to take a sip. I tried eating my breakfast to distract myself but i was holding a fork and got another thought. I realized i was tensing my hands (as a compulsion... i try to keep them as still as possible and as close to me as possible bc the thoughts feel so distressing and the "what if i act out " is playing in my head) And I was internally panicking and now im at the library feeling sad and i feel like I need to solve this. I spent the past hour just mentally reviewing the whole class time rn. The whole class time I was at the edge of the table trying to stay as far as i could and i would get relieved whenever she would stand up to leave the class for something. I managed to make it through the whole class without leaving though but the question in my mind is bothering me so much, "how do I know that these thoughts aren't genuine or are thoughts I want to carry out and why was my hand feeling so weird?" I feel stressed at the library and i want to figure this out 😞

A little backstory I used to be in love with this girl for months, I would nit pick every text, seeing if she was online or waiting for a reply or text from her CONSTANTLY just to find out I was nothing, she treated me so horribly I kind of forgot how it felt to be loved, I work so hard on something that was a waste it was hard to just “nudge it off” we are complete strangers now. But not to long after I have met this girl a real girl with morals a life, respectful looks at me when I talk and listens to me. Real interest. But of course how I’m wired is to question is this real, we don’t talk 24:7 like the last girl so I thought is this love then if we don’t talk constantly? I didn’t know any better of course, until our first date where we clicked even more and more, and then the second then the third then the fourth, why am I typing this, well it’s because I still don’t feel enough even though I get letter after letter LOVE letters reassuring me yet nothing changes I love this girl but I’m scared to love her fully because what if she just leaves what if she’s lying, I love her so much and she is truly a good person, yet she has no idea how much I cry for her because I feel as if I’m failing her daily, I give her flowers, notes, good dates, really real conversations everything I need in a girl, and what I love the most is the little moments where I truly find myself loving her with all my heart for a few seconds, truly the best feeling ever where I know she loves me back and cares for me and appreciates the things I do for her but then poof there I go second guessing it, and sometimes I feel scared I wanna run away from everything because I’d rather run before I get hurt then get hurt again , but I don’t wanna feel this way I want her we can build a true connection if I allow it but how do I allow it after years of never truly loving someone for real for real, the only love I know is toxic yet I’m not toxic and neither is she, so I need a break from short form content or even music I’m willing to change if it makes my life as a whole more positive it’s just some night I think to myself am I truly enough what can I do to be better and then that sends me spiraling and then not doing anything, yet I believe I do enough for her MORE than enough I treat her super well like a queen, but the dreams I have, I dream she leaves and I’m left feeling empty more empty then ever to the point where I get up at TWO am checking my phone to make sure she didn’t ghost me or she didn’t die. It truly shows me if she does leave that’s the feeling I will feel in that moment and it is terrible the most gut wrenching thing ever and yet when I see her I forget what I was sad about her smile and everything yet when I’m alone it like I forget everything I become a whole different person, my parents and friends can tell I’m happier since I’ve met her, my energy is back but they are right but at the same time they are wrong I wish I can be with her all the time and I wish she would reassure me more but who am I to judge when she has no idea I just want to let go and love her like those little moments I get when I truly do and it’s not like I don’t like her I do constantly but it’s just that I don’t feel enough even though I am enough like we don’t text constantly throughout the day and with my past experiences I believe if you like someone you text them daily but that’s not true I text her morning, goodnight, and we check in on how our days are and of course randomly messages to is it truly just me who thinks like this I believe so hopefully she thinks that’s enough because it genuinely is enough for me but I worry about how she feels constantly should I tell her how I’m feeling or learn myself to become better?

Hi. I'm just sort of feeling kind of shitty and in moments like these I tend to swing to one extreme or the other, like methodicially and intensely trying to pull apart every piece of what I am feeling and why, determine what is a "real" problem and what is just a bad mood, and take action to "fix" myself, the problem, or ensure that future me will fix it by setting reminders, planning, or just generally freaking out lol. That can all be a bit compulsive, but I don't want to do my other thing, which is just aggressively ignore or try to deny my feelings because they are "not real" or I just need to "let them go". But I'm feeling a little frozen in my fears so I am hoping de-tangling it a bit in words here will be a good middle ground. I'm about to be a senior in college, and I live in the city where my school is. I haven't seen my family for a bit and I am currently spending a weekend with them at the beach. Today was just kind of rough and has made the past, present, and future collide in my head, fanning fears of both external problems and the fear of fear itself, the fear of OCD spirals. I want to more specically describe the problems I have been having since starting college, but I guess for getting through today that isn't really the point. I guess just....I've been trying to create a life for myself and become someone who is strong enough to live it. I have ADHD and OCD and sometimes it just feels like half my energy goes to functioning through that, and the other half goes to resisting the OCD-urge to spiral about the future, to fear I'll let my life fall apart or won't be able to fix the normal, big and small problems life brings. Today has just felt.....hard. I ate something that made me really sick last night, and I didn't take my normal dose of Adderall today or yesterday which can just make me sort of sleepy. On both phsyical counts, I think I'm fine and don't really feel bad anymore, it just sort of triggered some overthinking. I feel scared that feeling kind of tired has/will effect my ability to enjoy what is supposed to be a relaxing time, or that I won't' have as much energy as I should to do things with my family and will disspoint them. I'm scared that the journey back to the city tomorrow will be chaotic and awful, and that when I return I will continue to make mistakes that put me in negative cycles. Strangely, I'm kind of aware that all of these concerns are either possibly not going to happen, or are just things I definetely cannot do anything about right now. I'm just sort of...frustrated that I can't easily shove away worries I know to be "illogical" and deeply afraid of spiraling deeper. All of these different things overlapping right now just sort of make me feel like I've failed. Failed to.....I don't know, resist compulsions and get over them faster, accomplish things in life and school faster/more, be less socially anxious. Failed to get on the right track, to make any kind of progress. Strangely, a lot of the discomfort I'm feeling in this moment indirectly sort of comes from things I am doing "right", to break cycles. I didn't bring my meds because I want to work on the discomfort I feel with spending time without the goal of productivity, I don't have an exact plan for everything I need to do and I have not psyched myself up to tackled my most urgent goals when I get home because I've also been working on finding ways of doing uncomfortable things that don't involve motivating myself through terror when I can't do anything about it. I'm letting myself take time to cry about all these feelings and write this out here because I don't want to deny myself what I need to get better because I feel like I shouldn't need it. I'm hoping, in a way, even the shitty day I've had today is a sign of progress, my OCD desperately seeking a host in fear of fear because I am beating other compulsions. I think there's also something to be said for the unserious but still powerful issue of just fucking being on vacation with your extended family. Like....its hard to take a moment to cry it out or calm yourself down when you're sharing a bedroom with your mom and sister. I'm feeling glad I'm going home tomorrow, scared of how I might feel when I do, and I guess....fearful of what it means that I wasn't "able" to enjoy myself for the whole time I was here. But those feelings do feel much more distant, after writing this. The time will pass and I will go home regardless. When I get home, maybe I will make "better" choices or be "stronger", maybe I will dig a deep hole for myself. Either way, that's not my burden right now or today. I've tried that method and it didn't get me what I want.