Real event OCD: I feel so much shame over the past and fear the past will come to haunt me. I’m afraid to date and be rejected. I’ve been taken advantage of in the past, my last relationship was with a narcissist who I found out later was married with 2 kids and older than he said he was. 3 years ago I was in debt and sick of being screwed over by guys and my cousin gave me the idea of trying a sugar daddy site to date more mature men who can be my mentor and help me pay off my debt and said lots of girls do it. I was just exploited and used for sex in motel rooms and a bar basement. I would just never mention it again but I’m afraid maybe I’ll date someone who is related to these people or knows them, or maybe they secretly recorded me and have video evidence of me in the act. I was raised to be a virgin before marriage and I just went on a rebellious spree for years. Now I’m stuck with shame and anxiety. My ex would bring my past up in fights and say “how could I marry you”. I feel like I don’t deserve love and I am worthless. I always feel the need to confess my past for reassurance and in case it comes back to haunt me. I feel like I’ll never find a good guy and I don’t deserve a good guy.

Thanks for your comment ❤️ it’s so hard to think this when I’ve been torn down in the past by men. My narcissist ex really did me in. Also I used to look for questions on reddit like “girlfriend was a sugar baby” or something along those lines and the guys commenting were so mean and judgmental. I was too naive and mentally unstable to realize that these sugar daddy sites are like prostitution. They advertised it like its regular dating and the men would be like mentors and help you succeed in life. I was gonna go to law school and drowning in debt so I figured while I’m single why not try this. I didn’t think I would get OCD over this years later. I realized how I was exploited by cons and they say an innocent good girl and took an opportunity. A lot of women hide their past but I have too much of an urge to confess.

@Anxiousgirl No judgement here ☺. I'm sorry that happened to you.

I’m just so mentally exhausted I can’t take anymore rejection or bad things happening. I can barely get through a day working from home. I do the bare minimum and lack motivation especially during this pandemic. I was raised so well and was “well bred” I guess you can say. I went to a prestigious university and was raised with morals. I just went on a self destructive path starting with partying in college. It’s hard for me to accept bad things have happened to me because I was so sheltered and things weren’t supposed to happen to me, if that makes sense. My mom has a perfectionist black and white type of thinking, which makes my OCD worse. I see myself as used goods or tainted. I don’t want to feel like I have to share my past because not every guy wants to know. It’s going to be challenging when I start dating again. I’m so nervous.